Look inside operating theatre

 Oct 15 2024, 1839 hrs

Let me describe the most solemn place in hospital, just in case i run thru my writing again someday, i will remember this place all.over again. 

Operating theatre, i guess this is the place where the wall witness more prayers than any other section in the hospital. Whether it is a 20 minutes surgery or 10 hours, surgery always mixes the same feeling of hope and fear. 

So, before entering operating theatre we changed our outside clothes with operating scrub. They differ scrub for surgeons, residents, nurses. I think because we are obliged to use mask. Maybe the shape of my eyes resembles someone elses. But the scrub emerge a sense of pride to me. I used to be in that color of residents, and now im in different color. The color of the surgeons who appears to be snob and narcisstic, for some.

But operating theatre is also a sacred places for us. Surgeons adjust their operating room to match their level of tranquility. Some wants their room extremely quite, the anesthesiologist needs to turn off their machine alarm as requested. Some will listen to al quran murattal. Some, like me, would go with air supply (its an old band, in case you are a youngster who never heard of air supply), i like mumbling the song, IF the surgery is not a complicated one. If its complicated, i would go with hasbunallah wa nikmal wakiil, or laa illaha illallah wahdahu laa syarikalak.

Today, my 1st period of surgery started at 08.30. i assissted an oncologist to take out tumor which highly suspicious to be a cancer. Its a 4-hour surgery of standing, no water, high workload on concentrating. Because the tinniest bleeding could came from an artery of less than 0.5 mm in diameter, let alone if its a big artery lets say the biggest is the aorta of diameter 3 cm. Or maybe the worst, when so much bleeding, a patient could loss 8600 liter of blood, she actually living from someone elses blood donor. We took out 30 cm ish mass from ovary. 

I love blood. But i dont like a bloody surgery. But my excitement and fear and anxiety increases with the amount of blood i saw in my operating field. Despite of anything i like a successful surgery. How do i define sucessful, when the patient feel like they are getting better after the surgery. Do u think its an obvious indicator?

Some didnt get better with surgery, because the disease was way too advance or the patient is too cranky with post operative pain, as if the surgery only cause more pain to time. Like what?? For real? What i really love is patients who embrace their surgery as a part of their fighting and they are also supporting me with prayers as if i am their ally to the same combat. 

And not only the surgeon, in my op theatre, we have DJ. The superhero who push buttons: phonecall button (most of us are trained to take phonecall even in the middle of shower or pooping and ofcourse we answer call during surgery), and most importantly next button in song playlist. S/he runs around between op room making sure all needle, equipments, knife, scissors allll the things. I really appreciate their presence. 

And instrumentator, a nurse who helps us handling instrument. We would go like,"gunting" terus nyodorin tangan doang. Dia yg ngasi. "Jarum" terus dia ngasih. Kadang kita ga pake ngomong cuma nyodorin tangan spt meminta2, tapi dia udah tau apa yg kita mau. Ah. Best feeling. Althought its harder done than said.

On my 2nd period of surgery, another 2.5 half hour, taking out bilateral messy 20cm ish lengket cyst, this instrumentator said that i pretty much helped his day, because he didnt get yelled so much like he used to when i didnt join the first period surgery. I liked it. Who doesnt like pujian2 dunia yang menyiksa? Thank for him and her too. 

The best part after surgery are: go to the toilet and long rukuk (stretched alllll the muscles from waist down and spine too) and sujud (relaxed the shoulder and cool down the head too). 

But for me to be here as a surgeon is because unlimited support by my husband. Mama papa juga, but mas irsyad was like also helping me ngerjain PR when i was a resident. Droppped me off at hospital at 02.30 am everyday when i was the most junior resident. I left him so many days alone taking care of my kid. He had a way to cool my head while i was having tantrum, yelling, slamming the door when im pressured or depressed or had this passice suicidql thought back then. Scary phase. But he said, we cannot be only like a diamond. We need to be diamond yg loncat2 (thus we can survive in the society). Happy birthday ayah for always being the shoulder i can lean on. 

Should i make this another project?

 Oct 13, 2024. 1622 hrs

The following is the conversation i had a couple days ago with my girlfriend of tens of years.

"My din," she texted me (i like when my closests call me 'my din', it seemed i belonged. Although actually my past boyfriend, now husband, called me 'my din' first).

"Do u know this obgyn?" She mentioned a name of my senior. My perfectionist senior, i had a fond feeling toward her back then. She had (well the obgyn we discussed today is a she) this idealism, a good almost impossibly perfect to implement. But i somewhat found her spirit was inspiring (back then in residency), its hard to match my spirit and hers.

I said, "yeah, she was my senior." 

I expected this would be a shallow over the weekend convo. And it twisted into something more interesting. But this girlfriend i had, what i adore from her is, we dont do gossip everytime we do meet up. If we may proclaimed ourselves, we are the  altruists among other type of med students. In organization, back then ofcourse, now we're mothers (And we believed we are NOT going to be just a mediocre mother), we were the executor, the ones who made idea into reality. 

"Is she have some psychological issues? She's everyone enemy in the OR. She's angry and moody all the time. To nurses, to everyone."

I replied, "loneliness." Judging by number of surgery she had in a day, oh boy. I felt a big hollow in her. Or maybe she did it for money? Idk. I just prayed i dont end up like her. 

My senior then doesnt change much. She did yell from time to time back then. But my friend thou, with the job she got, she has to witness my senior acted out everyday. If you read this and you are a doc, and you almost certainly can guess what my friends job. And if u are not, just text me im gonna explained. 

"I want to neutralize the situation and put some human aspect in her case. So instead blaming we can actually help her (?) Entah kenapa I don't hate her, somehow malah kasian.. Maybe this is her outlet aja for something deep inside her gitu."

And turns out, my senior was kinda irritates a lot of people, and these people kinda in a plan to initiate movement to eliminate my senior. And my friend, with her mortherly instinct wanna plunge herself in. 

She is so my kind of people. We go extra miles. And i like the thrill. I replied, "We vibe the same, i would do the same. Do you want me to get in touch with her?"

I guess its up to me. 

Ps. Im still reconsidering should i published my no longer human pt 3. Because its a lot at stake for both parties. Im afraid of the consequences and my own emotional well being. 

No longer human pt. 2

 Oct 12, 2024. 0554 hrs

Shall we continue? These are some context before we got into my sense of emergency.

The main character in the book, Yozo, was a part of a big wealthy family. The youngest of 10. And he had zero interest in anything. One day his dad had to do a faraway business trip and asked each of his kids what kind of present they wanted for after trip.

Yozo, stood in silence, he didnt want anything. But that made his dad furious for taking too long to think of which present yozo wanted. His dad said, "How about a lion mask?" 

And Yozo write it down in and included it in the list of presents written by the 10 of his sibling, 'lion mask.' Something that he didnt want, he didnt feel any desire toward. Yet he complied. He didnt want to piss anyone. And he grew just like that.

He had this emptiness of not wanting anything. He acknowledged himself as a person who never got hungry, yet people force him to eat. And he ate the food out of respect. But inside he felt and all the courtesy in society made him anxious. 

Yozo was the class clown in schools, he made joke out of himself, people would laugh, but deep inside its not a joke, its a cry for help by telling others what he underwent in such a manner people think it is a joke. That was not a joke. Yozo was a charm, but he admitted, he fooled anyone. 

Never had any plan for his future. In the story, when he survived a suicidal attempt, he lived with his uncle who asked,"what is it do you want in life?," let alone clarify how to make money. He wanted to be an manga artist. A painter. And he did well, out of his negativity he did well, at least he could provide alcohol and cigarettes for himself.

He was attractive to women. A lof of girls fell for him. But that only buzzing mosquitos for him. He wanted them to go away, but he always treated them with respect. 

He found warmth in older women most of the time. he tried to couple suicide with Women he fell into. Leaving him all alone. 2 girlfriends had been successfully died in their attempts. He survived only expand the emptiness.

How he viewed women? He didnt like company. He didnt like being responsible for other human being. He would go for one night stand instead when he didnt have to caress anyone. All the women he went for one night stand he described as idiot. A very hatred way to choose the word idiot, i would say. 

But in the end, he decided to marry young lady, who put all her belief in him, took him for what he is. Altough most of time he covered himself so the wife didnt see the real him. But then the convo between them got cold, she didnt enjoy much of his company n vice versa. One word i can remember right now, he described his role as a husband as, an errand-runner. Duh kesian bgt. I felt pity on him. He missed so much. 

And he decided to leave his wife and daughter for their sake. He didnt want to interfere their happiness. Padahal maybe he is a part of their happiness, but he is too clouded ya ga sih? Im trying to be positive of his presence. Idk how the wife really feels, osamu didnt describe. but yozo was gone, the book didnt mention whether he killed himself, or just gone. The wife handed yozo's diary to the writer (ceritanya) and the writer made this book out of yozos notebook.

Segini dulu..

No longer human pt 1

 Oct 11, 2024. 1639 hrs

At RS Tebet parking lot. I have time until 5, im gonna put aside my laziness and write instead (i sometime sleep in the car waiting for my policlinic turn if im super tired). But now, i think this is an emergency.

As i mentioned in my yesterday post, i bought Osamu Dazai's "No Longer Human." Im not gonna sum up the book for making a book review. Im gonna corellate how this story affect or somewhat related to my recent stumble upon a friend. An imitation of sahabat pena, maybe. 

I read books since i was 4th grader in elementary school. Say it, enid blyton, malory towers, goosebumps, comic books ofcourse, conan, kungfu boy, etc. Its so addictive, thus one time i made my dad drove up the wallbecause he told me to put away my book from dining table (we were eating together) and i didnt listen. He tore the book apart and locked me inside my room. Is it an overshare? Mmm i dont think so, its just a story that came up. I dont resent that day, kids are always acting out. 

Wait, am i gonna rewind that much further?

Yeah, i think its okay.

And detective conan got pimped into agatha christie. At this point, i learned the way she wrote how observant poirot was. She would say something like, a pen ink in his left hand implies that he is a lefty writing from left to right. For example dirts in her shoes might suggest she passed by certain road where a construction site is going on, how she pays attention to callus, wound, teeth, smell, outfit, gesture.

So i paid so much attention to details. That doesnt mean im a perfectionist with my homework, its just observing a stranger who sit across the table can be so fascinating to me. Wild guesses and i like it when it turns out correct. 

Okay enough about myself. Its time for the emergency. 

But im gonna continue after policlinic. Wait, after policlinic, im gonna drive home, pack my suitcase for weekend in Bandung. We'll see how urgent is my emergency in blogspot setting. 

Like in that song

 Oct 10, 2024. 1944 hrs

I need to write down something. 

But i dont wanna talk about surgeries. The time i spent in operating theatre disappeared into thin air. Sometimes i felt like, why today seemed so short? Ah, thats because that baby, or that curettage, or that bloody procedure. 

Back when i underwent residency i loved OT to the bone. A peaceful place. Now i realized, OT was my escape from phonecalls and jittery seniors/consultant out there, and OT means limited chance of people yapping. 

Now, things has changed, long OT hours means big shot of skipping meals, shalat, human interaction, sight seeing, ontime hospital leave. Its not that my excitement to blood had decreased, but i realized i missed so much to understand there are also other unexplored sections of the world. 

Like today, i met this bapak2 in his late 40ish in periplus, i bought "no longer human" and he told me, u need to read this!

1. Kite runner, i cant its too sad, i read it once and i cant repeat. But i would.

2. Maktub, i did read it

3. Haruki murakami. Norwegian wood. Hmm. Heard about him a lot, maybe one day im gonna read it

4. Atomic habits. Naaah sounds boring

I listened to his expertise on this atomic habit that life is about repetition and consistency. He was very menggebu2, and i liked his energy to overcounter me as a potential buyer. He is from jogjakarta, we probably wont meet again, but he made my day. 

He said,"oh dinda, kaya di lagu?" 

Iya pak, like in that song.

To be honest, i had some other interesting convo with rani about well being, with dicky about experimental friend, with yafidy about last prayer, with dr. Purnawan about reality vs expectation. But its too complicated i feel like easier to keep it for myself. 

And this no longer human book, reminds me of my abandoned chapter i used to write about 'the greatest showman.' Which i feel like easier to keep it myself.

Maybe oneday in my lifetime i will share the chapter. A sad chapter. Like 'the night we met' song, which i played on repeat. The more i rewind, its easier for me finally feel sick of the song and explore new songs. Skrg, masih belum bosen. 

The One we are supposed to hang on to

 Oct 7, 2024 

Dinda said, "I bought this mitch albom book like 4 days ago. Believing it will be as good as his other books. Pas dibuka, patah hati."

The day i got the book, i scrolled thru the first 10 pages. He was portraying God in a human form. I said, hmm, okay, i dont think i can get used to it. Better leave the alboms book for a while and switch to pettersons book.

But still after a week, i havent finish maps of meaning. The small font size, abundant new vocabs, i need to sit and learn while reading this petterson's, its not a book i can read in between schedule, nor while driving, while waiting for the meeting to start, while stuck in traffic jam.

Probably i need to be more open up to this new alboms book i havent touched since i bought it.

Then i realized, I was wrong. Gw ga patah hati jadinya skrg. The beginning was deceiving. The plot of the story, the way albom picturing God as a common human-like entity. but as i try to accept the fate that i already bought the book and i dont wanna waste the opportunity. Luckily, short after i clear my intention and put aside my past feeling, i started to understand the flow and the plot twist. i cant put the book down, because it is actually intriguing and provoking.

This Mitch albom has been my favorite author. My kind of book i would bring to travel. All his book is travel size and the font size is just right. And profound. Always makes me cry wkwkw. So cringe.

Reading a book is like reading people. Sometime we got confused at first and then as we try to empty our cup, only then we can absorp the lesson she/he tries to bring. I like when the pages turn yellow, its like reading a guru full of wisdom. And the smell of old book, simply cannot be replaced by kindle. 

Now, back to the story. Its a story about survival. When there is no one else to hang on to. You and the black dark sea under the ceiling full of stars or thunder, it depends how you please your God. A survivor of a shipwreck. Its always been the same drama when it comes into survival. Life of Pi, Noah's Arc, Jonah and the Whale. Its just the same old myth, for a person like petterson, but its an eye-opener magic for albom. 

When it comes to survival mode, i think even a preacher would be capable of killing. Its been in every human fight response. In helwas book, she referred those animal instinct as ego, in petterson he referred it as the hostile brother, in albom he referred it as hunger and thirst.

But all three of them admit that there are something beyond which capable to limit the inflammation of the ego, hostile brother, and hunger. It is fitra in helwas, son of God's voice in petterson, its the angel sent down to the boat for albom. But they are all referring to God's scenario. Something that "has been there" some of the time its too cloudy to be seen, or the voice is too low in volume you cant hear. The primordial goodness, but in survival mode, its called faith.

Basically it is the story of: "with hardship there is ease." Faa inna ma'al usri yusroo. But i never hope to face such hardship. To be alone and need to survive. PPDS was a story of survival. Survival of the rich and spoiled, for some people i believe they would think so. If PPDS was a test on how I be grateful to Allah's decree then i probably failed most of the time. I cursed too much and shredded. Crawl my way up i think because i abandon my primordial goodness most of the time, dont believe in faith. Maybe just maybe in the future i am in that kinda survival phase, pls remember, dear future dinda, to not let go the rope He created to hang on to.

But He said its okay to repent. Both albom and helwa mentioned about repenteance. But this Petterson, he is just a very scientific, logical person. Reading his book is like pulling me in a sad negative atmosphere. I need to finish the book, i want to understand.

Uncontaminated peace

 Oct 2, 2024. 1241 hrs

Finished writing oct 6, 2024.

Before i got my head clouded by this "maps of meaning" by jordan petterson which is very logical, i need to write down my lesson after reading A. Helwa book "secrets of divine love." On the contrary, this book was very, i would say emotional, but i dont think its the best way to put it. When u read petterson's book it seemed like try to find meaning with your head, but in helwa's book i found meaning with heart. 

I bought helwas book around maybe 2 years ago. Wait, im gonna check my tokopedia transaction history. Nope. Its august 2023, a year ago then. Bought it bcs i heard that this was a good book by review.

First pages of the book, omg so hyperbolic. The language was too cringe (back then). I set the book aside and put in under the TV and never opened the book again.

Then september 2023 hits. Palestine and israel bombardment. I believed to the very bottom of my mind that this was the end of the world. This is it, palestine will win, then Hereafter will come as close as middle and index fingers. 

I was scared i might end up in hell. And i started and tried to make a good relationship with the Creator, the one i used to take His mercy for granted. The fear of Hereafter is more dominant at that time. So i pray, i do other ibadah by the intention so Allah wont pusnish me.

Fast forward to may-july 2024.

Out of nowhere, i got invitation to do pilgrimage just a month before i actually depart from Mecca. 

the ustad said earlier in manasik:

Dont think that if you have money you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have time, you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have intention, you will be able to go to Hajj. You need to be invited by Allah Himself to perform Hajj. 

In the process of making passport, hospital management lobbying (apparently i just signed my ASN contract and theres no way i can have hospital leave in a year), other bereaucracy, i learned put all my energy out to whatever i can make but also to surrender and everything is up to fate. 

I did not consider being away from my routines as daughter, as wife, as mother, as obgyn, as friend would be compromised while i left the country. I believe Allah would take care every single being. He will treat my folks like a hungry bird in the morning and fed up by night. Ga tau caranya gimana, Allah pasti ngatur. 

And during the ibadah, i felt an uncontaminated peace. 

I got back home with a new point of view. I did not belong to this earth, i would leave pretty soon. A life of only setetes air yg tertinggal di jari when you drown your index finger in the sea, and the infinite sea is the Hereafter. And what im trying to do is just mengais good deed from scattered opportunity. And i start to do worship because i feel like i need to, not because of fear. And actually with excitement, because im kinda looking forward of what surprise He might gave me today.

August 2024:

turned out the scattered opportunity is both tempting and drift myself away from my ideal relationship with Him. 

If i refer to yasmin mogahed lecture back in 2023, i took a wrong turn and He redirects me again just like google maps. I started to feel weak, clingy, confused, put too much energy on worldly material such as hospital grand opening, human interactions, good music. Started to have a crumble lowest load bearing structure in my head and heart. But i think this circumstance is needed. To make me feel long to that uncontaminated peace again. 

I finished helwas book about a week ago with a feeling of me being anchored with certainty again. And then this whole week penuh dg ujian. Gathered myself to have tranquility today and finished this writing.

Although, the word she used actually is hyperbolic, is a bit too dramatic, but if i compared myself when the first time i read some of the first pages, i realized that when she is trying to describe the beautiful mercy that He provides us, it IS hyperbolic, it IS dramatic. Becuase it is even beyond my own comprehension of "beautiful."  

It takes certain level of belief to understand the book. I dont think i would have the capability to comprehend the book back then a year ago.

And the book gave me a lot of answer such as,

"Do not judge the ones you are asked to give to. Your Lord would never ask something of you without purpose. Perhaps the thief was inspired by your kindheartedness to stop stealing; maybe your kindness gave hope to a prostitute that there was another way to make ends meet; and perhaps your generosity toward the rich man opened his heart to becoming more generous."

Allah's timing is always right. Its just us human who cant comprehend the reasoning yet.

Marathon

Oct 4, 2024. 2315 hrs

Finally home 

After away on duty

Finally eat

After skipping all mealtime

Finally rest 

After long haul

There will be an end to a marathon

So embrace boredom

Embrace a hectic day

Embrace a slow day

Embrace excitement

Mungkin ga datang dua kali

A momentary thought after leading a grand round, taking care 2 policlinics, engaging an abdominal packing removal, never ending challanges in this gedung baru in hospital, driving home-rsp-tebet-rsp-tebet-home, finishing a cervical cerclage and saving myself from those that oscillates in my head during prayers. 

Dinda-Cyntia Agreement

 Oct 1, 2024. 2116 hrs

Cerita sedikit dari praktik swasta malam ini.

Background story: id been in a bad postpartum depression back then. So im aware that some of my patients might caught the same aura. So i tried to educate them a bit about baby blues and post partum depression. Basically cuma bilang, "selama menyusui jangan ngerasa sedih/cape/marah2 yaa.. kalo ada rasa ingin nangis mulu/kesepian, coba kasih tau saya.."

So, this patient came for changing the bandage after delivery by cesarean section. I was in policlinic with my favorite mba bidan, kak cyn. 

And by the end of our conversation, the patient started to sesenggukan and started another cycle of convo by saying, "dokter kan pernah bilang, kalo ada rasa sedih berlebihan sy hrs kasih tau.." Dan kak cyn mengambilkan sekotak tissue.. very symphathetic..

And she explained what shes been through:

1. A feeling of her body is no longer beautiful

2. A feeling of she has no more me-time

3. Tired of people coming to her house and do all the basa basi

4. Husband has been very supportive but she said, he wouldnt understand

5. She cried everytime she breastfed, bilang ke suaminya karena breastfeeding hurts, padahal karena sedih and bingung that theres a baby now in the house

6. Feeling guilty of she needs to leave the baby alone like just now that she had to go to hospital.

I listened to her more than gave suggestion of what to do. Yaaa adalah some suggestions, but its just a mediocre suggestion like improve communication and bla bla bla.

When the patient left the room:

Gw nanya ke kak cyntia, "Kak, lu gmn ngedengerin pasiennya cerita?"

"Cape bgt dok, gw kaya energi kesedot dengerin doi cerita."

"Hah, seriusan lu kak, gw malah hepi ngeliat dia bisa nangis sambil cerita."

"Ga bisa dok, jgn lama2."

"Yaudah deh besok lu cut gw ajalah kl kelamaan, kl ga dicut gw bs ngeladenin doi sejam."

Begitulah. Emg org dianugerahi preference yg beda2 to complete each other. Tapi seneng ga sih bisa come into the same understanding?

Buat kak cyntia ini tu melelahkan, buat gw tuh ini menyenangkan. But we do work it out gt. We communicate and come into a practical agreement. Jauh lebih berarti drpd diem2an, tebak2an. Hah i cannot.

Matching capacity

Sept 30, 2024. 2022 hrs. 

Bumped into putra, my afs mate back in 2006 and still goin, in facebook messenger. As usual i dont do "how u doin?", instead i do, "are you happy?"

Dinda n putra's bandwidth connects in such a way, thankfully, we dont have to struggle to align frequency.  I started to tell my issue to putra. 

I think i encounter a friend with NPD. Its been very hard to have a healthy conversation and its been very tricky in term of measuring the word, in such a way that it doesnt offend the opposite party. 

First lesson from putra: "Tapi din klo emg dia kayanya gamau dibantu or lo lg ga ada capacity ga perlu dipaksain"

What capacity that i cant provide? Its actually an urge for my to help and reach out. Its my own satisfaction to know if im able to match the frequency. Does this sound too egoistical or selfish?

Ga perlu dipaksain.. if this is about fight or flight respons, i definitely go with fight. I sometime force myself to be helpful. Because at some point, they know that they need us in a way. They know that theyve been unpleasant, have this unmatched wiring in communication, need this connection. And people who walks toward them eventually felt pushed away and leave. But they dont want us to leave. At least thats what they told to me early on. 

"Berjiwa hippo oath sekali ya anda harus membantuuu" kata putra. 

I dont know. That helps me too, in a way i feel like i find a sense of purpose. Nabi Muhammad always met an old woman in daily basis, she harassed and threw trash to him. One day, she wasnt there where she used to at in the neighborhood. Nabi Muhammad found out that the old woman is sick. And he decided to take care of her. The old woman then humbled and inspired by him. Shouldnt we be like Nabi Muhammad?

I replied to putra, "Im surprised that you understand.."

Then putra came to tell me the dark stories of detachment, of letting go, of 'enjoy your life.' 

"At first I was devastated diiin tapi ya gw balikin ke doa jugaaa." Yeah. This is where the ultimate endeavor we can provide from the first place. By keeping them in my prayer, at least i know they are in a good hand since Allah has the best calculation that human cant comprehend.

I asked, "did u reach him out, put?"

"Did u reach him out again?"

"Did you try everything Put?"

He did. He did. And he did. His friend was just vanished. 

Kata putra at last in just-now convo, "As I said sometimes we dont have the capacity."

Thanks put for this matching capacity. This meant a lot. 

I quote one paragraph of story from the book ive been reading recently:

"as a raindrop fell from a pregnant cloud, it looked at the ocean and said, 'who am i compared to this infinite sea?' The raindrop's humility inspired the heart of an oyster to open its shell and let the raindrop inside, transforming in into a beautiful pearl"

You are the raindrop to someone.

I am the raindrop to someone.

She is the raindrop to someone.

He is the raindrop to someone. 

A donkey carrying books

 Sept 28, 1615 hrs

"A donkey carrying books," a new idiom i got from the book i decide to engage right after my second round of Susan Cain's first book (if im not mistaken) Quiet. The idiom means you read a book but didnt understand the meaning or didnt implement the lesson u got from the book.

Ive been procrastinating. I started to lose sense of writing again. But im gonna write it bored, write it numb. Argh i dont want it it numbb.

I established phases in high school, university, residency in a world of extroverts at least i thought they were. After i read the book, i questioned everything. Ah, i see, they might act like an extroverts to meet the expectation: meeting peers.

This Susan Cain book elaborates that, it is a struggle to one cope into a new level of life. Toddler, teenager, high school, college/univ, workplace, and ultimately marriage. Its been actually widely believed that one might not be a pure introvert or extrovert. 

Some might be, what she refers as gregarious could be also a contemplative person. So this concept actually falls into spectrum instead of an exact black and white. Some might be a quiet but do a lot of action and jump into an outgoing activities. 

She literally mentioned about many theories based on many research and Many background stories which actually some of it pushed me away from the book for being too scientific. Its like reading journal paper. I took it super slowly. 

But what really struck me is that, even thou i feel like easily engaged to other people. I never really thing about whats going on in their head. They might be look interested, but in some of my speaking opponent has to spend extra energy to focus of what im saying, push their brain too much to think of the reply.

And everyone has to respect and embrace their own selves first. If u think you dont wanna chitchat, its always okay to do a U turn, turn around away from people you dont want to do gibberish talk. 

But if meeting people is your need, like myself, always consider that the person we see in front of us is never been a reality. Its must be something going on in their head. Whether they like the convo, or they strive to finish the discussion, or they struggle to elaborate their thinking process to match their sparring partner. A lot to consider. And this is book actually, i think, i good source of leadership.

Jump into my daily civilization:

1. Mas irsyad is somewhat introvert, i try my best to pay attention when he become weary of my socialization hour. And i deeply appreciate that in fact he also make effort for me to meet my socialization's need.

2. I met 4 foreigners in my hospital.  Walk toward one of them. 2 girls in some distant range, 1 busy cameraman moving away from the circle, and 1 cameraman just about to walk away. I could see one agigated person when he saw i walked toward them. I pick the agitated one, and i say, "hi, are you recording for the new building in the hospital?" And he said in a fluent english american accent, "im sorry i dont speak english." Bull shit man bull shit. I laughed myself silently, ofcourse with my judgemental pride, i was so right. But actually, i might wrong too. Thats the funny thing about human interaction, we produce splitting images of theories toward each other. 

3. I learned that my son might be more dominant in introversion type. He would came home and bragged about his drawing that he finished during lunchtime. Quite with details, it took some time to draw it. When at home, he would switch to a talkative mode, but i realized i rarely know him at school. I would pick him up at his drawing extracuricullar class, he made convo too with friends. Not like an extra quiet kid. So im gonna observe longer.

4. My preference of circle: 2-3 people, its a ideal number to build a strong bond. The connection is established easier and more open. We reciprocate an equal amount of talking, listening, and usually ended up with me had this spiking level of romance to write and extracting lesson from their learning curve. When i attended a 8-9 extroverted group of buddies, i found drown into listening and observing and contemplating instead of trying to match and jump into their energetic convo. 

Glimpse of these 3 days of my civilization

 26 Sept 2024. 1850 hrs

I really want to write down all the excitement, downbad, respect, reconnection, and some fear of being drift away. Sometimes i just want let people goes inside my head so i dont have to explain things in words. Just dive into my brain.

The past 3 days ive been tumbang physically. These are moments im gonna capture in words, thus i wont forget. I extremely believe that anyone who crossed into our lives, bring their lesson to us, sometime i dig deeper. Why is it God bring me to you vice versa. 

1. I helped baby khalief born at 2 am, helped baby girl at 7 am, had this unusual hysterectomy at 12 pm and the next day i delivered another baby khalief. So many khalief for one day. For the first time, i slept over in RS Tebet kamar 326. I felt tired, contented, and peaceful. Thanks for wonderful mas irsyad for letting me stay at hospital in drowsy hour.

2. I helped ican to make his work proposal. Cant believe its been 9 years of ebbs and flows, total stranger into friend who appreciate each other's successes. I would say pulling each other's hands thru hell in residency, but i realized most of the time he pulled me sih. And now that hes going away to study, i hope things dont drift away.

3. And i made this 1 long page about mother. On how they treated their kid will shape the kid's becoming. I stumbled into giri's mom instagram and she has this contagious smile and sincere. I want to know what is it that she taught him so he has such grit? 

4. Dropped dr. Mades at her house and we were having 20ish minutes conversation about firstborn kid and how fragile they are. I always like having a company while driving. Most of the time, i just rolled my window half open, pasang musik keras2, wishing somebody would have the same vibes pas lg di lampu merah. No luck

5. In operating theatre, i hyped when bang lampos joined my surgery. I would do the cut n stitch, he would do anything relating to horsepower, either improve my visualization, or pulling something i am too weak to pull. When he stepped in my operating theatre, it seemed like half of the weight have been lifted. 

6. In policlinic, i hyped when kak vivi joined me in the room. She would do all the welcoming basa basi and she would do all the talking and im gonna be cruising without worrying to make extra energy to chitchat. Dont get me wrong, i like to have conversation with patients. But i prefer to have deep convo instead of "ibu rumahnya dimana, anaknya berapa," i would love to have "how does it feel ibu nurturing 3 different people?" Or "what is it in your life make you feel like people dont deserve to have a wife like you?" I feel like i wanna grow old with kak vivi, she completed me.

7. Took my son to the department store. He felt happy and strolled back and forth with the shopping cart. He talked so much and excited. I came to see in another 4 years does he gonna be this happy do grocery with me? Is he gonna tell me all his secrets like we do every night? Hes getting taller, for the first time, his teacher told me he punched one of his friend. What other surprises by then? What should i do to keep the romance? I want him to feel secure to ask me for advice, i want him to feel supported by me. No barrier. When come to this matter, Thanks dr mades for fruitful conversation about firstborn kid, thanks to ican who shares stories about his mother's reaction makes me understand how to react to my son, thanks to short convo with giri who gave me advice on do n donts to the only son. 

Thats all. Be back soon.

Forgive my mom, ya Allah for cursing too much

 Sept 23, 2024 1722 hrs

I parked my car and pulled my handbreak.

"YA ALLAAH AMPUNI IBU SAYA YA ALLAHH " sakha prayed out loud from the backseat.

I burst into laugh, "what did i do wrongg?"

Rewind from the beginning.

Sakha was sick, diarrhea and vomiting 4-5 times this morning. I called a day off at the hospital. Still on call in ER.

By 10 i need to go to hospital, but no one at home at the moment and i cant leave him alone. I call with desperation to my husband by phone from the other room. Apparently sakha heard and when i enter his room he said, "im sorry ibu, i make u worry too much." 

Felt guilty i said, "u do good thing, u do bad thing, i love you, thats the bottomline. And no im not mad at u"

So, we left the house, i took sakha to hospital in a jittery mood. Long story short, i cursed a lot along the way. Like i usually do, the difference was, my son was there observing. Apalagi kl ibu2 pake jilbab naik motor ga pake helm bawa anak SD, argh i cant handle it. 

Got angry because theres no parking spot left at the moment. So i was just moved the no.parking sign away so i can park in that same spot. Luckily i routinely wave to this pak satpam every morning and he sensed my urgency so he helped me to park. I left sakha at the car for less than 15 min, i drove back home. 

Raymond called, i put him on speaker. I said,"oom remon, ada sakha ya di mobil, so dont say kata kasar." Oia baikk, he said. But still, sesekali slipped of the tounge. Sakha would say, "ibu.. language."

I parked my car at home and pulled my handbreak.

"YA ALLAAH AMPUNI IBU SAYA YA ALLAHH" sakha yelled from the backseat.

I burst into laugh, "what did i do wrongg?"

"Ibu ini, ngomongnya @#$%&$( lah, +×=/<,$^ lah. You told me not to say those words, but u also use the words. "

Sometimes it doesnt mean what it meant kakak, its just an enhancer. But i was just say, "im sorry"

At least he didnt puke at all in the car. And he got better this evening.

Oh another learning point for today:

1. The energy i spend on talking and the energy i spend to keep silent when i want to blurt things out is just the same. But keep silent is flush the energy to the drain.

2. The quiet book by susan cain turns out pretty good. 

3. I need allocate energy on something. Sakha has been sleeping all day, i dont wanna scroll thru instagram. I dont wanna netflix. Been writing pages for nothing. 

write it sad, write it tired. write it happy, write it joyful.

Sept 22, 2024. 0135 hrs.

write, woman, write.

write it sad, write it tired, write it hopeless

write it happy, write it joyful, write it blunt

things i appreciate i did :

- brushed my patient's hair, semua ibu abis lahiran harus cantik

- turun dari mobil, tapping my e money for my front car who runs out e money

- give prayer for the living. when theres nothing else i can do, Allah will do best

- give prayer to the dead everytime i pass the cemetery, there are souls who doesnt receive prayer from anyone maybe. im just gonna be there praying for those who doesnt have anyone

- deep talk to people in person apparently gives me energy. thx fidung, fulki, dr. ika. i am drowned into  an abundant sense of purpose when i can listen to them and they can cry it out. its like im filling their void. 

- teach koas and they really mentioned, u r the cool stuff in obgyn doc 

- give a lecture at 3 am to resident because doctor take care of people, dont try to not giving a fuck. (residen kalo cape tend to sail their boat by not giving a fuck, pokoknya bayi udah lahir nangis, then theyre just gonna stop caring), suami gw walaupun kebangun, he approved my lecture. thanks ayah.

things i regret and i wish i could turn back time and fix things :

- decide to detach from people who doesnt appreciate me (im supposed to be able to do things sincerely. apparently im not a saint). detachments makes me wanna throw up. 

- come to realization that im a highly sensitive extrovert who most of the time have thin boundary to people's emotion. i wish i set self-boundaries. i wish i can be less observant. tapi sebenernya i just wanna sticking around, following up, be at the corner of their eyes for the next 8-10 years

- dont gulp. take a sip at a time. to nurture, we only need small rain with regular frequency, they dont need flood of affection.

"Remembrance is a form of meeting. Forgetfullness is a form of freedom."

(Sand and Foam. Khalil Gibran) i am somewhere in between and i am reluctant to be in between those options. 

happy birthday to giri marhara, who really deserve a post, for last couple of months' ebb and flow. live long and prosper. 

Dont put some one on hold

Sept 21, 2024. 0803 hrs

Mas irsyad and sakha went to bandung this morning. I planned to go with them, had already cancel saturday practice. Yet, PPDS called and reminded me that i actually have ER night shift on saturday and sunday nights. I cancelled the trip, after discussion with husband, yang penting sakha yg di bandung, theyre gonna have kids get together. Effective and efficient.

Ended up in my parents' terrace. My mom n i were discussing this particular blog. She is so irritated on how i didnt put apostrophe as it should. Thinking one day this blog will be a book, i would have 14 (is it? Since 2011 so, 13 years) years of language needs to be corrected

Ive been writing since then 2006. Wow. And finally got the sense to write again, i think i need to thank the paddle guy whos been teaching me to focus on developing. I will have a chapter for him, ive been working on it but it stuck.

The discussion with parents and i was deep and broad. realizing the traits which shaped me, i spend the last 35 years copycatting, absorbing their gestures, i would say i inherit some of papa's grit, less empathy when it come to right or wrong. Theres nothing stands in between, no gray area. And to spread the idealism, he tends to be loud and outspoken. Kadang suka ngajakin org berantem. I saw myself at some similar standing, but not all the time. I like to keep my voice low and observant rather than loud and talkative. It depends on the situation ofcourse.

Mama is more considerate, try to find a right time to explain what i do wrong, prefer to write and measure the word. She is one hella leader, at some moment she runs the house like an office. Very punctual. 

I do a lot of implicite writings, to keep the circle only to those who understands. Apparently thats not how communication works. If u wanna keep the sense of 'dicothomy of a poem' sing it in a song. To write a book, or talk in TED, apparently we need be blunt and clear.

Back to terrace discussion. The whole conversation was about 'dont put some one on hold.'

Started with a lesson of appreciating people. At one moment, my brother,i believe he is at work, as pediatrician resident, which i believe crazy as hell, rejected my call and i throw it up to my mom on how he is being unappreciative. 

The lesson was simple. Try not to be negative on people whos struggling. You simply dont know what theyve been through. Residency was rough and so thus everybody else's life. I would call this moment when they cannot pick up phones and cannot reply urgent messages because they are taking care of a code-blue patient. Perhaps he himself was the patient. Drown in projects, visits, patients, gasping for a little peace. 

This gonna be the last and best closing paragraph. 

But i learned a lot from dr. Ali Sungkar, the wisest, most supportive teacher seantero obgin fkui rscm. He NEVER put the phone on hold. He never let the ring rang for more than 5 sec. Even in a surgery. He always always picked up the phone. He eased somebodys worry by picking up the phone. Dan itu pahala. And if u can be nice, why do u have to postpone for being nice. Again, whos gonna know u have the time to call back? In a split second people can be in highway to heaven.

"oh, im going to mess this up"

Sept 19, 2024 1754 hrs

This song got my attention (i dont think i've heard the song before, it was just yesterday this song came up to my youtube music once). And today, i listened, instead of only enjoy, I tried to look further on what he’s been trying to imply. this song was prominent among my 'quick pick' driving songs. As usual, I rewind the song for the last 15 minutes until I reached my momma’s house.

Please tell me that im not the only one who feels a profound misery in the song. whoever made the song must be exhausted of seeing himself disappoint people in his own head and in his own scenario. may God ease you. berapa banyak orang yg having this kind of desperation coba sampe bisa dibuat lagu? how sad. how empty. 

meanwhile, im here believing life is colorful and believing other also embrace the same rainbow colors. turns out, they dont see life as colorful.  maybe color is not really matter for them.  

im just gonna put some the lyrics here.

I'm sorry for everything
Oh, everything I've done
From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved
Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved

Am I out of luck?
Am I waiting to break?
When I keep saying that I'm looking for a way to escape
Oh, I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted
I can't help you when I'm only gonna do you wrong

Oh, I'm going to mess this up
Oh, this is just my luck
Over and over and over again

The book I can read in repeat.

 Sept 19, 2024. 1906 hrs

"Tapi beda-beda ya tiap orang.. jatuh cinta sama tulisan tuh menurut gw hampir sama kaya jatuh cinta ama orang, wkwkw.."

i quoted this from rani. i couldnt agree more. i love her writing at the first sight. 

this book "bittersweet" by susan cain has been taking over my breath in the last 3 days. bought it on saturday night, sleepless nights, finished it on monday night. when i couldnt sleep i would open the book. this book helps me to deviate  attention and withdraw myself from social media. the more i dived into the book, the more i realized she stereos ideas that i thought no one would understand. i can related most of the chapters. its about losing, accepting, and rebuilding with the left over scratch. most of the time i would say, "been there." "been there." "been there."

in between patients, while waiting for the anesthesiologist prior surgery, when i got stuck in traffic jam, i would just read the book. very helpful. its fascinating.

i think most people can related on how she experienced. 

what i learned this from the book:

various types of people will come and go. they were once a stranger. then you will see something in common between us, that connects and clicks, and you usually experienced certain positive vibes that eventually made you feel long for them. they in some way or the other, shaped you.

every living things die, the same way people you love will leave. like leaf, sometime they are there for one chapter of your life. they fell in autumn. sometime, they stays in your happy times, strong enough to hold on to, like a branch. but it collapse in heavy wind/storm. but root people thou, the persist. they came as a stranger but they are there standing in many battles you have been through. some cultivates your energy, transferring it into your self development. some makes you feel weary, drain the energy, at some point you just need to step away for your own equilibrium.

at the first time i bought the book, i aimed for understanding other people's sorrow and how to deal with it. turns out i learned about myself. the writing was not much of advance semantics, but that doesnt degrade the message. she even reminded me of my writing in times of corona, when people dont take their significant other for granted. because we just couldnt promise tomorrow.

literally speaking, this is the book i can read in repeat. just like a good song i would rewind until i got tired. i would just gulp it, i do not resist myself only take a sip at a time. i would be okay when the cup is finished, unlike the dissatisfaction of a cup being half emptied. 

i enjoy the book so much to the point i dont want people to know the book, because i wanna own the romance myself. 

Unconditional Love and Respect

Sept 16, 0619 hrs

 

Im gonna make this real quick.

1.    Make up your relationship with Allah. Because he will arrange steps to favour you. If the steps don’t go the way you want, He is either delaying it, or protecting you from things that are bad for you

2.      There are only 2 sources of unconditional love : Allah and parents.

3.     Manusia2 di sekitar kita itu cuma titipan Tuhan. This has to be anchored deeply.  Their love is conditional, has certain term and condition. Lets say, friends, spouse, and son/daughter. To ease me to let my son go everyday to school, knowing he is only titipan Allah, so I let Allah arrange his day, to protect, and to bring him back home. Spouse, some people learned it the hard way, I took lesson from their learning curve. To respect spouse unconditionally.

4.    We are always replaceable at work, at any social function. But at home, that’s the real thing, no one can replace somebody of being a mom, or a father, or a son / daughter, or a husband/wife.  That’s where the effort go all in, and that’s where we find rest.

 

Mastering Pain

Sept 15, 2024. 0455 hrs 

A right amount of sadness, joy, long, and hope will be a good mixture to turn something into art : drama play, poem, paintings, and ofcourse to me, the romance to start writing. I believed most of drama play are written and played basically from sorrow. 

Back in 2006, I registered myself to be in drama class and joined drama club. That’s the place a learn the word “solemn silent” and “don’t do anything stupid” from Mr. O’Malley, an Irish teacher, so proud of his origin. 

 We would have this face muscle exercise. He said, Smile! Mourn! Excited! Sad! Cry! And many kinds of emotion and we made grimace of the according emotion. 

The other day we would have an improv exercise. We would read a cue card, and imitates movement, and the student has to guess correctly exactly by reading our movement and gesture. I recall I think his name is , aduh lupa, tall guy, good in any sports, he did this viral NSYNC movement of bye bye bye , some other students with their own cue card, and I got cue card of “make out” and what I did : going out from the class. And mr. o’malley said, that’s not it. I didn’t know what it means at the time, I learned later on wkwk. 

 They have this theatrical mask as the symbol of all drama class, the comedy and tragedy.

Characterize the ability to transform into an whole new identity. And the process to change to an entirely different person was a painful process because its hard. It’s a long and slow process for me at first, to memorize words I didn’t recognize and I need to make a certain gesture to mimic that particular scenario, to understand meaning that implies in certain line. 

 I was playing as Kaa, the snake in jungle book I think it was a fall season play. I need to make my face wanting to eat Mowgli, the human cub, but I need to show some resistance to respect the jungle’s law. What the hell? Its so absurd. Let me see if I have a picture about my play in my old facebook.

And after we rehearsed over and over again, We remember each other’s line by heart. I would remember Baloo’s (the wise bear) line, Hyena’s (the most irritative one) line, Baghira’s (the nice tiger), shere khan's (the bad tiger) and we would spent the entire 2 months after school practicing the play. 

After certain amount of exercise, you will encounter pain and hardship professionally. It is still hard but you receive the pain as a part of your regular exercise. 

In our everyday life, this drama exercise of grimace and gesture continues. Then we face wide variety of pain. (based on the random adam grants podcast, is it gabor mate with adam grant or simon sinek? Not sure) we will receive two kinds of pain; the pain of of press our ego in order to fit the society or the pain of becoming a solitary. one of my common combat in pain is: hospital meeting. I entered the room knowing some faces I respect some faces i dont recall, and I didn’t have the energy to ad lib. So I decided to read a hardcopy book, being a solitary. I felt heavy and painful feeling, the feeling of I don’t belong to this area. When I pulled my phone out like other people do, copying the society, and read Sand and Foam in my pdf I felt more at ease. i compromised 2 sides for my own peace. 

Imagine if you decide to only master one kind of pain. You end up as a people pleaser (which to me, it sucks) and a solo fighter (which to me, frightening).

"Bu bayinya cuma sebesar 3 gelas aqua"

 

“Bu bayinya cuma sebesar 3 gelas aqua. Karena belum ada otot nafasnya, jadi nafasnya dibantu mesin ya bu,” kata bapak yassien si dokter anak andalan. A very practical way to describe 750 g. 

Fast rewind to the beginning of a day in my life:

Sakha left home to school. I blogged and posted a new writing, turned out people are actually opened the link! U rock guys. Really appreciate it.

Early policlinic. Finish late. Didn’t have lunch yet. Called my husband to grab lunch outside. He said yes, I bailed. Because of this tiny human being (walaupun terkesan i blamed the universe, sebenernya i felt honored, biasalah perempuan, suka gengsi) :

 

Meet Bayi Ny. A.

She is quite a fighter, and her mom also a fighter. mukanya cuma half of your palm..

Look how long her diagnosis is:

Absent end diastolic pada G4P2A1 hamil 27+6 minggu (USG TM 1), JTHIU, janin IUGR (p<2.5), air ketuban berkurang tanpa ketuban pecah (ICA 6), ibu dengan:

- superimposed preeclampsia with severe feature

- AKI dd acute on CKD (Ur/Cr/eGFR 51/1.5/43)

- asites

- hiperuricemia (9)

- hipoalbuminemia (2.2)

- obesitas grade I (IMT 28 kg/m2 )

- BSC 2x

Basically, she got underlying hypertension way before she got pregnant. Then, because of the presence of the fetus and placenta inside her womb, her vascular started to fail. The vascular in a proper function should be able keep the water and protein inside the vein. But, in this mother unfortunately, water and protein start to leak because of weak vascular wall. This is when the basic become complicated, the kidney, the liver start to fail, the eyes, hand, feet, all swollen like a bee sting but this is not localized swells. we decide to deliver the baby in order to save the mother avoiding further damage.

On the other hand, the baby is not fully mature. We needed her to be taken care of outside her mother womb because her surroundings cannot provide her enough. The baby was oxygen-deprived, she was not able to produce urine (she was thirsty inside). She wasn’t getting bigger her growth retarded. She supposed to be 10 more weeks longer in her moms belly.

The surgery was a some way more difficult, but compared to my own overthinking prediction, Allah gave a lot of ease. The mom was on obat anti pembekuan darah yang seharusnya dihentikan 2 minggu sebelum operasi. Because this was an emergency, who the heck would know to stop the drugs 2 weeks prior? So I expect its gonna a bloody c section. And because the water and protein leak had been so massive, we could see a fluid collection in her abdomen from ultrasound (which is no free flowing water should be in between abdominal organs). So this surgery was like a flood and bloody.

When we cut open the belly, we aspirate 1500-2000 cc free flow ascites. The womb so small, we need to resist the guts from going in our way. She got 2 previous caesarean section before, this means a bit more challenging compared to mothers with no previous history of belly surgery.

The placenta was in the anterior wall of the womb. This means I need to damage the placenta to reach the baby. Placenta is a thing you need to avoid in order to save blood. But in this case I need to parkour, jump n go straight to the baby, I cannot walk in the proper street. I need to jump right into the placenta which covered the entire anterior uterus. Kalo mau ke posterior/dinding belakang rahim itu lebih nyari kerjaan. Karena simply ototnya lebih tebel, susah ditembus.

We took the feet out first, then hips, torso, the hands, and yang paling susah kepalanya. The head was so fragile. Enyoy like pushing a plastic of gelas aqua. I felt like am I gonna break this fragile neck. The temporal bone is so like tulang muda yang direbus kelamaan.

Once the cut the umbilical cord, I handed the baby to the pediatrician, praying, nangis pls nangis. And she did. A very weak cry. But still. Huff. I didn’t kill the baby nor break the neck ehehe. Sebenernya the bone of a newborn still very mobile and flexible. It is hard to break a baby neck even thou we twist the wrong way, as long as you didn’t put power/pivoting the neck.

And mas yassien, the pediatrician, who deserves a post in my blog actually, said that the baby was small like 3 gelas aqua. I hope she will survive, although its very thin for 750 g baby. The baby was taken care in the baby intensive care with all sophisticated machines. And mom also went to intensive care but she is stable and no need sophisticated breathing support. I hope all is well.

I went from hospital to my rumah sakit pengkolan. And called my husband, can we have super late lunch to our favorite sate maranggi place. then we called it a day.

A Prayer to Die with Dignity

Sept 13, 2024 0645 hrs

Have you thought, wish, and pray on how you wanna die?

We do heart-pulmonary rescucitation in our daily basis to near-death patients. our hand plays like we are the god who can bring people back to life. In fact, I cannot resist the feeling for not knowing thing I did is just useless or gonna change something.

Obviously, I cannot see the line when a soul has leaved the body. I was just gonna stay there, be there pumping, focused on to bring the soul back. Being the one who hold on to this person, believing at some point she might come back. when i got tired, we switched to other doctor/nurse with the same belief that she will live again.

Her breath was shallow because she was intubated, the machine helps her breath. We pumped the heart, the heart was still at tone, but it was our rhytmical pumping on her chest doing compression. We faked a dead into a living. But we couldn’t resist the fact that she passed away. We called the time of death.

While she is there naked under green drapes. Leaving the world undignified. She might not wish to die like that.

Sadly, no one whisper laa ilaaha illallah to her. No one celebrates with her for the fact she was preparing to live in the permanent hereafter. No one plays role as a talkin, the one who lead her to say kalimat syahadat. We need ustad in our code blue team, definitely.

Recalling steve Irwin who died while doing things he loves to do. I think I was in summer school in the states when people was like whattt he died? By stingray? I thought hes gonna die by snakebite or crocodile chopped something off. I used to watched him with his great showmanship a lot of dangerous surprise movement to certain poisonous animals. That was an epic way to die.

my grandpa died in a plane crash. my grandma died in her sleep. my other grandpa died sick in hospital. my other grandma died in hospital. why? why Allah give such and such scenario what did they do back then to receive such way to die?

I recall I always pray shalat mayit in after every shalat fardu. So many people died in mekkah n Madinah. At the time, I think it was the ultimate way to die. To have people around the world actually prostrate to ask Allah to give the dead’s forgiveness.

Then I thought I wanna die in my prayer. They say, in order to die in certain way that you like, you need to do it often, most of your time, that ofcourse in fact increasing the chance to leave the world the way you wanted to leave.

That is what I have been praying for.

Although, every unhumanly midnight I need to drive myself in a hurry to hospital might be, you know, the foolish way to die. Masih ngantuk and adrenaline rush itu funny combination. But im just gonna add my preference to die in every prayer I made. 

an aircraft can stall anytime. do you think you have much time?

 

Sept 11, 2024. 1316 hrs

 

"those who gave you serpent when you asked for a fish. may have nothing but serpent to give." Sand and Foam. Kahlil Gibran

 

i dont know how to put it in sentence. but reading that phrase made me frustrated on how human connection can be wrongly accused just because we dont declare our intention or circumstance. Cant they just give and receive out of respect? So much niche for misunderstanding, so many steep ladder we could fall for being misperceived.

 

let me try to verbalize my urge to be someone who helps.

when i was in the car, pulling out from toll road and paid my etoll, i saw a women, got her ponytail, modest clothes neat not too much. decent bag and all matched. middle age, brown skin tone, with 5 cm wedges walking up the road. it seemed like she just got out of a bus/tebengan, and made her way to certain point.

"that seemed like a harmless women, and theres only one way from this jalan keluar tol to the nearest junction and its quite a walk. how about if i rolled down the window and let her come in to my car?"

and my moral compass might have been overly used compared to my logic agitatedly said, "gila emg ente din. in those bags, she might have a knife"

 

and i have that constant silent battle within me telling me to should or should not do this or do that. padahal kenapa sih mesti takut, i thought. for every sunrise and dawn God protects me, a'udzu bikalimatillahittammaati min syarrimaa khalaq. dear Allah please protect me with your perfect decree from corrupt form of Your creation. I have this invisible armor. So most of the time i just dive in.

I am mesmerized on how the universe works in a comprehensive way. Since then I never resent any wound, I enjoy every silver lining, I like the feeling of putting one feet on the edge of a cliff, and believe that we will not know what tomorrow will hold, but I bet God will make a better story than my head can comprehend.

Contented and grateful with what I have now, I came to realize that even in the assurance of the safest transportation mode, an aircraft can stall anytime. From various phase of life I have been experienced, this exact moment resembles the relieve of successfully putting my own emergency oxygen mask on. The vacancy in every worry has been patched and I am so ready to leave with the craft . I now have the power and urge put oxygen mask to other people.

But why some are so resisting?

the most inferior conduct an eye can do is judge

 

Sept 10, 0727 hrs

I once read a phrase questioning why human has two ears and one mouth. Being surrounded by arrogants, sometime self centred, and little altruist in hospital and how easily I got entertained by watching Simon Sinek, Trevor Noah, Hasan Minaj, Mufti Menk, Yasmin Mogahed, i easily judge people by the way they deliver their thought in sentences.

But why they only have one mouth thou? They speak beautiful language. I think because when you say something, congregate the chosen diction into sentence, and finally decide to vibrate your vocal cords, then the thought is ready to be spoken out and you are responsible for it. its a complete conciouss process

the ears on the other hand, they only receive and perceive and interpret of other peoples’s delivery. The ears are not crawling inside the opponent’s wiring brain and be a part of the thinking process. We need two ears to accept the stimuli and to understand and to patch each other with data they might miss.

This morning I got stuck in a long queue to get out from my housing complex. I left the book I currently read, Maktub by Paulo Coelho. A book was rather boring because he stops doing 'imply', now he 'tells'. I don’t need so much synapse to digest the book. But theres a story about a beggar and a bag of gold that I really like I wanted to post it, but I left the book.

Another book that stays in my car was the jungle books by  kipling, and the opposite of spoiled. I decided to open the book where I left it, where the bookmark divides.  And that was the end of a chapter saying :

 

“ These are the Four that are never content, that have never been filled since the Dews began—Jacala’s mouth, and the glut of the Kite, and hands of Ape, and the Eyes of Man.”

 

Jacala is the crocodile, kite was the bird. I don’t really care about those two. But hands of Ape implies something that struck me (this means kemaruk people is just an analogy of an ape). And of course the eyes of Man.

Why do we have 2 eyes? Beside of the physiological function that I understood back when I was in pre clinical class. We need two eyes to adjust the dimension to wire and give hint to the brain how much distance we need to get to certain object. BUT! Eyes also can be so deceiving. Try to close one eye. The light gets darker, your fingers are closer. I once hit the sidewalk when driving sambil ngucek2 mata. Because my brain processed my surroundings only by one eye.

But so many things we can obtained by using our two eyes. For me, I can see if the patient is in pain by seeing their walking gait. And I can directly assume that she is in labor, lets say. In the contrary, if I believe my eyes too much, I will stop confirming and stop asking further question to the patient, I wont ask "were u in pain?" "When was the pain start?" "Is it pain or pegel or what?" But to communicate is the most fundamental element in resonating ur worry. We need to reach with all senses we have. Not only by our own two eyes. 

I need to sense the contraction by my hand if she is in labor. I need to hear the gritted teeth if she was really in pain. I need her to squeeze my hand so I would understand what shes been through.

Put it in my daily virtual conversation such as whatsapp, text message, email, blog, whatnot. I judge too much. I cannot feel, I cannot smell, I cannot hear, I cannot palpate, i cannot see grimace. So limited source of information to understand a complex human being. How can we communicate effectively, build connections profoundly, having a long lasting relationship or friendship,how can we becoming the real entity for those whos never seen us? How can you believe the beauty of a nature in Instagram? How? Your eyes has cheated on you.

That is why I concluded the most inferior conduct an eye can do is judge. The worse consequences are judge incorrectly.

 

Touch is ecstasy

 Sept 4, 2024. 1736 hrs.

Its a tremendous feeling of excitement after reading this book. 

I have read 3 of Gretchen's books. "The happiness project" was my first exposure to Gretchen. She was very eloquent in describing feeling. Not too vulgar, but just right amount of naked expressions. And i have been falling for her since. 

My family, my mom especially is a hugger a kisser. I inherit the same character more than my 2 siblings. I kiss my mom and dad and son in lips and its very casual, my husband finds it awkward and strange. I kiss my girlfriend in cheeks. And i I always use touch to elevate connection with patients. All of my patients are female thankfully. 

As an obgyn, its hard to make people feel comfortable. Litothomy position is always awkward. I sensed that touch helps my patients to relax. I would touch the knees to assure them that everything is gonna be okay. And i never think that touch is also a strategy to make people relax and free from anxiety. I thought it was just my instinct until Gretchen said it out loud. 

Living in the states was like living my ownself. Im responsible for my own name, my religion, and my country. And finding that hug was a common way to build connection, i felt more like myself. I love german hugger, so sincere. 

Reading the book brings all good memories. Being a muslim from indonesia, we dont much hug at the beginning. But away from sexual intention, a sincere hug helps people. A lot. So unfortunate that it is not our culture and i stop practicing hug. 

Funny story thou how i like hug people, in certain circle i still kiss and hug. But now to hug a fellow male afser, i need to ask my husband for permission. Even thou my husband was exposed also to this hugging culture. I guess to him it exceeds his personal limit maybe. Lol and sad. 

And reading this, oh so much i long for zero barrier in expressing how some people meant to me. Sincere hug is so relieving i cannot portray. 

the struggle to believe in something bigger

 Sept 2, 2024 0734

the last one week has been unpleasant. but i fake it till i feel it. like i usually do. 

back when i was in residency i bumped into Kendl, an AFSer never met him in highschool, found out that we had something in common when i was in Jatinangor. Kendl took dermatology, i thought it was an easy minor. it wasnt. theres nothing easy when it came to residency. but he, gracefully said, "find little sparkle that keeps you going."

and here i am trying so hard i wanna puke to see little sparkles. we're gonna go retrospect. 

sometime in 2005

teguh and i was competing for representing school for newscaster competition. i had been working my ass off  for weeks improving my pronunciations and intonation. and i failed and broken hearted. my logic tried to comfort me, 'yaelah din, he spent such and such year living abroad ohio if im not mistaken,. u r just out of league.' and life goes on, still meeting each other every week, learned a lot from him as sparring partner in debate team. strived for many other competition as one team. 

sometime in 2006

teguh and i again enrolled for  exchange student program. its a 2 year long selection, started with 8000 students around indonesia. i passed, he failed. we went our own ebbs and flows. i told my mom, that a year ago i was having my low, and 2006 was my year, a lot of ups. snd this teguh has been my story, i always referred to that particular phase of my life. and i learned in a competition, no one really compete to each other. they compete with their ownselves. karena sebenernya ceritanya udah ada, how it ends is already written. 

July 2024, in Madinah.

i found one interesting particular person. but i believe in Holy Land, Allah makes a precise step to each individual. 

my cousin went to madinah also but with different travel agency, stayed in the different hotel. small chance i believe we would bump into each other in such big masses, unless we planned it prior. but turned out, we crossed each other on the way back to hotel one day after ashar. we took a picture, send it to our moms. the pict would be delightful for them. mas joko bilang, "lihat dari segini banyak orang, kita ga janjian, kita ketemu, siapa yg nuntun langkah kita kalo bukan Allah?"

i had been praying i could have 1-2 minutes to say hi (and bye) to this interesting particular person. i did not get the chance. until i went back to jeddah to madinah. i finally learned, everytime i prayed for Allah protects me, then Allah will protect me. for not reaching my wish was also because Allah planned so, He has been protecting me all the time. 

August 2024, in hospital

president was coming to our hospital. a lot of extra work a week prior his arrival. we do as we told, i tried to finish the obligation one by one. wishing i didnt have to take my work home. turned out the feeling was like extra exhausted, dull anticipation, not an excitement nor numbness, ga tau apa, rasanya asing, mungkin rasanya seperti mau ujian SOOCA (a kind of exam where i need to stand in front of the class explaining about one case and how it starts, from risk factor to therapy. 4-5 examiners would watch and stare di jaman gw belum tau rasanya berserah diri). in the end, full of failure sih according to my point of view. but then referred back to my highschool and my madinah story. the failure was merely Allah is protecting me from bigger shame/embarrassment or whatnot. 

i usually dont have this struggle. it seemed like letting God preparing my day is enough, He helps me chose the way. i dont have overthink anything. but august has been a roller coaster. cape bgt sampe seorang dinda nulis blog lg itu artinya melelahkan. but they said, thats the point when people grow stronger. maybe my relationship with Allah has been compromised lately. 

Sad puzzle and joyful puzzle

 Aug 28, 2023. 2258 hrs

I ended up my yesterday by arranging food for my son's birthday in his class. He had never celebrated his bday in class. I didnt think that celebrating bday in class would be so necessary. But my husband believed otherwise. 

I decided to drive my son to school and we discussed about things. I realized that there has been so much time i spent not to be with him. Either school, hospital, and most of the time, cellphone. But i sucessfully treasured the moment. God has answered my prayer, i can drive my son to school has been my objective since residency. 

That was a fun drive until i noticed sakha didnt wear the pramuka tie. I almost snapped, but i controlled myself by asking, "dont you get punished if u dont use the tie?"

And he said, no. Well, how much changes in the system nowadays. Back then i would be standing in forn of the class if i missed one of my property. 

I dropped him off and he made sure he had not forgotten our goodbye kiss. Indeed i raised him right with this level of affection he showed to me. And i prayed him ayat kursi. And i left.

Hospital has been crazy. Meetings, emergency room, policlinics, late afternoon meeting, and wrapped up by emergency cesarean. I planned to go home fast. I didnt expect the surgery has to be today. Why the patient come today. Why not yesterday or tomorrow? Why does she have to be there in my son bday exactly. 

Weary by all the sad puzzles, i came home only to accompany him to brush his teeth. My husband was already asleep. I have missed so much in a day. 

But then i believed that the day i had today, just a little piece of bigger puzzle. Today i had a dark color puzzle with a little white and pink and other nice color i might forget to be thankful of. And everyday, i just followed my heart to out one step after another to embrace whatever mystery. 

I am afraid if i resist what my heart say, i might not have such a long time, and i may not live my fullest. 

And my big joyful puzzle is i am a mom of a handsome 9 yesr old boy who still eager to kiss me goodbye. I am so blessed.

Next patient, please!

Aug 27, 2024. 07.40

"Why are you so nice to me, doc?"

"its not that im being nice to you. im being nice because u have depression."

sometimes people just dont understand that doctors go extra miles because we function that way. our surrounding raised us being completely aware of warning signs. its our nature to suspect the worst of a scenario until it is proven otherwise. 

i realized people are now loosing their time in screen trying to be loud of what they are doing. they seek much attention to an illusion. their instagram, whatever account they might have release the dopamine so much they got aroused by likes and hearts or comments. 

see now as a doctor i have treated so many patients that in fact i lost to count how many, thousands? i cant remember their names to be honest. i have encountered people lying, i can sense people hiding behind their happy mask only to find out they are in a greater burden. these people worth my time. i even asked my patients, " did u poop today?", i wiped their poop, some other time i took a shower bcs people cant control their pee.. so dont get me wrong when i even try to put people in the kitchen to share wisdom.

some people are just raised in a different games. some parents crystalize the value of being a straight A student. some parents let their kid go explore and learn from the nature instead. this is where the depression intercept. they are putting so much expectation in life trying to play the same game, while naturally they are not born to be the player yet people expect them to play the same game. 

people try to fit in to society so bad they loose themselves. i lost myself to when thriving to finish school. some people dont get it, they would say, i want to live my life to the fullest. and then, we will back to square one, how do u define living life to the fullest?

your way to live to your fullest might be completely insane and unthinkable and i would say that doesnt fit me. 

i met this guy who are extremely proud of his paddling activity, i just cant comprehend. especially to myself whos eyesight only effective within 20 cm. its the same way my husband cannot comprehend situation in operating theatre. its the same way with the only child who never learn to please anyone has lost so much due to the incapability to serve other people. thats where we dont have to meet people's expectation.  yet some people struggles to let go. some people doesnt have the need for having other people. and that is permissible. that is the dynamic of a society. you dont have to fit in, let yourself be just another color. 

Just stop trying to be a right-handed if you are a lefty.

Intercept

 No date. Because i wish this imply the summary of my lifetime lesson.

Every being i intercept, they will give lesson to learn, whether its the good or heartbreaking. 

And Allah The Most Merciful will let us for our own either to get up and restart or to surrender. 

Everyday i will look around to look for little sparkling the universe provides. Surprisingly enchanting. 

Bener2 Allah Maha Baik. He undestand and provides me. Among all darkness and finally put the sunrise. Sunrise is not gonna be there for long. So I obliged to enjoy it, absorb the meaning of beautiful amount of ray. And then it passes.

Too much ray blinds you.

But no ray makes you gloomy

Highway to heaven

 

Aug 12, 1730 hrs. 

Kematian itu selalu berat. Tapi seandainya mereka tahu dengan siapa mereka akan bertemu di surga, maka mereka akan mempersiapkannya.

We did everything, she came to our ER just too late. Lost of conciousness, no more bleeding, because theres no blood left in her system, no pulse, barely a heartbeat. Dari mana berdarahnyaaa. I need to search. Paling engga, pas kantong darah transfusi datang, itu sumber darahnya udah ga bolong. She might live.

Dr. Apang (my fellow anesthesiologist)  which happened to deserve a post in my blog, did the resuscitation. She died and she came back! Good Lord and to operating theatre we went. With so much hope and idealism. And we pray. 

The obgyns finished the job in the OR while anesthesiologists fighting over RJP. Countless cycle of RJP, no one kept tracks. We just believe she would come back like she just did. 

But she didnt. I guess the angel provides a highway to heaven. Tanpa hisab. Langsung surga. 

Al Fatihah.

 

Dear Madina,

Madina, 29 DzulHijjah 1445 H

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection.
I choose to love you in loneliness, for in loneliness no one owns you but me.
I choose to adore you from a distance, for distance will shield me from pain.
I chose to kiss you in the wind, for the wind is gentler than my lips.
I choose to hold you in my dreams, for in my dreams you have no end.

- Jalaladdin muhammad rumi has the closest resemblence. The exact representation of the most beautiful slice of memory.