May 11th, 2021 0242 hrs
kemarin ulang tahun ke 32, a big number as i was imagining the deaths of member in certain circle in the past few weeks.
- kak diar, the person in charge in my sending with AFS programme
- kak ricky, kakak AFS yang home visit rumah gw back in 2005 or 06 right before my placement while mama still fighting cancer
- a colleague in internal medicine, somehow related karena istrinya way back was teman SMP, PPDS anak..
- icha, adik AFS yang once i remember her very well because she gave the the last candy of "your favorite person in AFS" due to cancer
the lifepath i took in recognizing God was mistaken in the last 4 years. i gave up my ngaji, my shalat sunnah, barely make my 5 time salat on time, missed a handful of them, always put other thing first than my salat, seeing ramadhan as an excuse of my procrastination. Look what i am now, exactly the person i didnt wanna be when i was in my 20s.
the feeling was faded and vanished, my husband said the habit was just been buried somewhere by my current routine. what routine? my routine was supposed to support my iman, not to neglect it. and now to force it, to feel it, to love it again could take a lifetime. God forbid, if its only a phrase not an action.
i am now more associated with brands not the function, more associated with looks even its uncomfy, more associated with gossips than deep comforting inspiring talks.
there are times that one eyeshadow palatte is not enough, pairs of good shoes is not stylish enough, functional glasses is boring, brand new phone but needs newer, bunch of unused bags, unused clothes, more jilbab, but not fixing myself from the inside. i started to feel crave on clothes, cakes, fancy restaurants, which i basically dont need. judging people from pictures of hampers they shared in instagram. how shallow immature dinda.
but fortunately i feel complete today, thanking God and his universe giving me some more time with
- a very supporting husband, who drove me back and forth to hospital, waking me up for salat and homework, ready anytime to take care of my kid other than brushing sakhas teeth before bed (unless im in my might shift)
- a healthy energetic thoughtful romantic talkative 5 years old boy. who often tease me like an adult
- my healthy parents, who are emotionally supportive and very considered
- a big messy house with cars i can use
- food i want to eat at anytime
- a covid survivor, now on symbicort but still better than asthma attack
- a surgeon, i always love to be a surgeon, i love operating theatre, it feels like a real theatre and God is there watching
- small circle of real friends, benevolent relationships.
Humble is always the key, kata teh mooi. one must survive modesty, since luxury is not forever.
dont worry, katanya Tuhan Maha Memaafkan..
