Uncontaminated peace

 Oct 2, 2024. 1241 hrs

Finished writing oct 6, 2024.

Before i got my head clouded by this "maps of meaning" by jordan petterson which is very logical, i need to write down my lesson after reading A. Helwa book "secrets of divine love." On the contrary, this book was very, i would say emotional, but i dont think its the best way to put it. When u read petterson's book it seemed like try to find meaning with your head, but in helwa's book i found meaning with heart. 

I bought helwas book around maybe 2 years ago. Wait, im gonna check my tokopedia transaction history. Nope. Its august 2023, a year ago then. Bought it bcs i heard that this was a good book by review.

First pages of the book, omg so hyperbolic. The language was too cringe (back then). I set the book aside and put in under the TV and never opened the book again.

Then september 2023 hits. Palestine and israel bombardment. I believed to the very bottom of my mind that this was the end of the world. This is it, palestine will win, then Hereafter will come as close as middle and index fingers. 

I was scared i might end up in hell. And i started and tried to make a good relationship with the Creator, the one i used to take His mercy for granted. The fear of Hereafter is more dominant at that time. So i pray, i do other ibadah by the intention so Allah wont pusnish me.

Fast forward to may-july 2024.

Out of nowhere, i got invitation to do pilgrimage just a month before i actually depart from Mecca. 

the ustad said earlier in manasik:

Dont think that if you have money you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have time, you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have intention, you will be able to go to Hajj. You need to be invited by Allah Himself to perform Hajj. 

In the process of making passport, hospital management lobbying (apparently i just signed my ASN contract and theres no way i can have hospital leave in a year), other bereaucracy, i learned put all my energy out to whatever i can make but also to surrender and everything is up to fate. 

I did not consider being away from my routines as daughter, as wife, as mother, as obgyn, as friend would be compromised while i left the country. I believe Allah would take care every single being. He will treat my folks like a hungry bird in the morning and fed up by night. Ga tau caranya gimana, Allah pasti ngatur. 

And during the ibadah, i felt an uncontaminated peace. 

I got back home with a new point of view. I did not belong to this earth, i would leave pretty soon. A life of only setetes air yg tertinggal di jari when you drown your index finger in the sea, and the infinite sea is the Hereafter. And what im trying to do is just mengais good deed from scattered opportunity. And i start to do worship because i feel like i need to, not because of fear. And actually with excitement, because im kinda looking forward of what surprise He might gave me today.

August 2024:

turned out the scattered opportunity is both tempting and drift myself away from my ideal relationship with Him. 

If i refer to yasmin mogahed lecture back in 2023, i took a wrong turn and He redirects me again just like google maps. I started to feel weak, clingy, confused, put too much energy on worldly material such as hospital grand opening, human interactions, good music. Started to have a crumble lowest load bearing structure in my head and heart. But i think this circumstance is needed. To make me feel long to that uncontaminated peace again. 

I finished helwas book about a week ago with a feeling of me being anchored with certainty again. And then this whole week penuh dg ujian. Gathered myself to have tranquility today and finished this writing.

Although, the word she used actually is hyperbolic, is a bit too dramatic, but if i compared myself when the first time i read some of the first pages, i realized that when she is trying to describe the beautiful mercy that He provides us, it IS hyperbolic, it IS dramatic. Becuase it is even beyond my own comprehension of "beautiful."  

It takes certain level of belief to understand the book. I dont think i would have the capability to comprehend the book back then a year ago.

And the book gave me a lot of answer such as,

"Do not judge the ones you are asked to give to. Your Lord would never ask something of you without purpose. Perhaps the thief was inspired by your kindheartedness to stop stealing; maybe your kindness gave hope to a prostitute that there was another way to make ends meet; and perhaps your generosity toward the rich man opened his heart to becoming more generous."

Allah's timing is always right. Its just us human who cant comprehend the reasoning yet.