write it sad, write it tired. write it happy, write it joyful.

Sept 22, 2024. 0135 hrs.

write, woman, write.

write it sad, write it tired, write it hopeless

write it happy, write it joyful, write it blunt

things i appreciate i did :

- brushed my patient's hair, semua ibu abis lahiran harus cantik

- turun dari mobil, tapping my e money for my front car who runs out e money

- give prayer for the living. when theres nothing else i can do, Allah will do best

- give prayer to the dead everytime i pass the cemetery, there are souls who doesnt receive prayer from anyone maybe. im just gonna be there praying for those who doesnt have anyone

- deep talk to people in person apparently gives me energy. thx fidung, fulki, dr. ika. i am drowned into  an abundant sense of purpose when i can listen to them and they can cry it out. its like im filling their void. 

- teach koas and they really mentioned, u r the cool stuff in obgyn doc 

- give a lecture at 3 am to resident because doctor take care of people, dont try to not giving a fuck. (residen kalo cape tend to sail their boat by not giving a fuck, pokoknya bayi udah lahir nangis, then theyre just gonna stop caring), suami gw walaupun kebangun, he approved my lecture. thanks ayah.

things i regret and i wish i could turn back time and fix things :

- decide to detach from people who doesnt appreciate me (im supposed to be able to do things sincerely. apparently im not a saint). detachments makes me wanna throw up. 

- come to realization that im a highly sensitive extrovert who most of the time have thin boundary to people's emotion. i wish i set self-boundaries. i wish i can be less observant. tapi sebenernya i just wanna sticking around, following up, be at the corner of their eyes for the next 8-10 years

- dont gulp. take a sip at a time. to nurture, we only need small rain with regular frequency, they dont need flood of affection.

"Remembrance is a form of meeting. Forgetfullness is a form of freedom."

(Sand and Foam. Khalil Gibran) i am somewhere in between and i am reluctant to be in between those options. 

happy birthday to giri marhara, who really deserve a post, for last couple of months' ebb and flow. live long and prosper.