Bentar lagi 1B

June 30 2018 ( on the way home after submitting my 1st self reflection) 11.51 am

Setelah ujian CBD sama dr. Kemal di tempat futsal yg hanya menyisakan satu rasa : 

Lupa rasanya berprestasi

If the world know how its like trying to climb a big tree just to see a glimpse of light in a darkest valley. It feels like far from possible. No self esteem. No love to self no love to others no humaniora. Just you and how make things look good from the outside.

Mungkin harus belajar rebuilding my ruined self esteem. Mungkin dg bersyukur. Udah lama jauh dari Allah. Lupa bahwa dulu we were used to be decent. 

In days like these with this kinda rude routine, it seems like me losing senses. Sense of seeing sparkles. Instead easily hurt and irritated, more over let the negavity ruins senses of being grateful. 

Well.. I need to look around searching for strenght to hang on.

Bentar lagi F

December 19, 2017

Dear Bekisar,

1. Yg suka pura2 mati, sadar diri, org males bantuin lo kalo lo ga pernah berarti buat org lain
2. Yg suka bunuh diri, sadar diri, save yourself first, baru org lain
3. Yg suka ngebeban, inget2 bentar lagi sendirian, belajar
4. Yg suka dibebanin, inget2 bentar lagi sendirian, sabar
5. Kita cuma bertujuh (tanpa supir tanpa kurir)

Do you want to be common?

September 13, 2017

Last night, I finally felt the urge to write. About anything, but I just cannot. I have topics to discussed, if not with others, then with myself. Roles as mother, when I realized that I didn’t know how to mother. As a daughter, when I had argument with my mom and dad considering my future and family. As a wife, when little article slapped me, telling me how to be a good serving wife, instead of what I have done now.

I used to have freedom to write, because I stood up my own opinion based on my own background. I used to believe that I cannot be common. I need to be different.

Once I marry my husband, I have deep responsibility to protect his dignity and security. I am too afraid to break the comfort. Once I have a baby, I profusely spend my resource trying to be a good mother without knowing how. Even worse, once I am inside the institution, I am frightened by people’s judgement. 

At first, I thought I was living in the world of ‘no questions asked.’ I cannot be me, I cannot be nice, silent is much better than ideas. Suppressing the idea and no bravery to say opinion has been around within the culture. For some period, I believe that staying calm, down to earth, and keep silent are the key to strive and survive, just go with the flow. But then, what is the purpose of spending 4 years pretending?

But here, today, I saw many role models of being different and disruptive. If I start usual, I will be usual. If we start different, we will end outstanding. Living a life of a doctor, as one said, like putting one leg on the edge of a cliff. At anytime, we can fall and fail. Patients may die, one may be fail, but its how we react toward nature.

Kata mas irsyad, we are in the world of diamond mining. We are surrounded with brilliant and intelligent people. We cannot be just a diamond, kita harus jadi berlian yang loncat-loncat.

Thanks to teh nada and keken to respond my vague thought. Thanks to mas danny and mas adly for telling us that we are not living in ‘that’ dark dark world and mankind are kind.  

just

july 3, 2011. 0706am

in times like these

to live as just, is the hardest.
act just to see which to see, which deserve observation, which need only glance

to decide as just, what to be heard, what to be listened, what needs to be listened both with your ears and eyes.

dalam ketidakmampuan untuk memilih
rasanya mau benar2 hidup tanpa rasa
mau benar2 hidup dalam buta dan hening

supaya tidak ada tanggung jawab untuk peduli


-----------------------------
*bener2 harus belajar memilah. terkadang situasi itu menipu. yang bodohnya,
get intrigued is not always ended in pain.
thank you Allah i can and sometimes cant distinguish pain and pleasure.
both start with p.

limited freedom.

may 29, 2011. 6.56

what to prepare:
1. tahu lebih banyak dari orang lain
2. berusaha lebih keras dari orang lain
3. berharap lebih sedikit dari orang lain
- william shakespeare

dulu, titis lintang andari.live long, and prosper. fasenya sama: look in an awe, kenal, look more in awes, in the end, berterima kasih for changing this life. sekarang almira aliyannisa, belum sampai fase akhir.

#masih memikirkan Indonesia Mengajar, walaupun bertambah orang yang ngasih tanda keberatan.
sedikit mati di profile application halaman pertama: Apakah Anda bersedia meninggalkan pekerjaan/kegiatan anda jika diterima sebagai Pengajar Muda? jawabannya:
Tidak. 

karena ada pilihan: menyenangkan hati banyak orang terdekat, atau menyenangkan hati lebih banyak hati orang-orang yang belum dikenal? ini mengenai bagaimana berkomitmen untuk mengabdi, jauh sebelum tahu lebih dalam kepada siapa pengabdian ini akan disalurkan. kewajiban yang lama ada di bahu ini sudah tahu jalan mana yang harus diambil.

kemudian pilihan selanjutnya adalah: menyenangkan hati lebih banyak orang, dengan sedikit mengecewakan hati sedikit orang terdekat sama sekali bukan pilihan ketika dihadapkan dengan gimana mereka bisa kecewa, kenal aja engga. mau ikut syukur, engga pun, masih banyak pemuda lain yang sama besar keinginannya dengan peluang lebih besar dalam hidupnya.

semoga ini bukan excuse. semakin dewasa, semakin banyak tahu: tanggung jawab (sebagai diri sendiri, sebagai orang yang mengidamkan kebebasan, sebagai orang mengerti kepada siapa harus berbalas, sebagai orang yang seharusnya sudah mengerti arti prioritas), dari siapa, untuk siapa, oleh siapa. dari sini pumn, lingkungan sudah memutuskan,



dan sekarang, argumentasi bukan lagi tentang pihak ketiga.
tapi perang pikiran untuk si subyek pelaku: egois dengan dalih, atau lurus2 aja try to fit in with what people's desire? apapun jawabannya berdampak pada kekecewaan: diri sendiri/orang lain.

by feet, by minutes

by feet, by minutes
march 27, 2011. 7.01 am

how earth can be so small when :
dinda: ” i heard them speaking indonesian language”
anna: ” go say hi to them”
dinda: “excuse me, indonesian?”
i forget her name, i remember her email -______- tazmannita: “iya, orang indonesia juga?”
dinda: ” wahhh, bla bla bla”
this was from the above conversation
tazmannita: “aku tinggal di jatibening”
dinda: “(what??) jauh2 ke us, ketemu orang yang 15 menit naik sepeda nyampe. haha”
and we emailed each other for a couple of times.
perbincangan di atas ferry dari sea ke puget isl, wa.
——————————————-
how earth can be so big when:
dinda:”jumat gw di jakartaaaaa. ngopi di torryyyy”
nia: “yaaahh. aku ada uts.. minggu yuk!”
dinda: “udah pulang lagi ke nangor itu sih. sabtu sore?”
nia: “udah janjian ama mama. pagi?”
dinda: “janji ke kondangan ama mama.”
ga jodoh pisan.
——————————————-
time seems run so fast when:
dinda: “i really gotta go, i have class on 7 tomorrow. here, its like another 3 hours. dammit, i need sleep.”
hye yoon: “skip school. dont act like you never do it, dont you?
dinda: “LOL. you evil. too much angels whisper no in my ears.
hye yoon: guess i will see you later.
and the conversation ended. its 3.30 am in jkt, sometime in the early evening in ny.
——————————————–
time seems crawl so slow when
you are hoping that something may happen the way you write on your mind-scenario or in your day-dreaming plan,
but God has different script.
somebody in the same spot, but they missed each other by minutes, or they missed each other by feet in a crowded area.