Mafia Kamar Operasi

 Jakarta, 1 Mei 2026


“Assalamualaykum Dokk, kok ga ikut PIT?” ketik saya di Whatsapp ditujukan pada guru favorit saya ketika saya mengikuti seminar tahunan yang biasanya diikuti oleh beliau juga. Waktu saya sekolah, beliau mengajar di RS yang saat ini saya mengabdi. Salah satu alasan mengapa saya mau melamar ke RS pemerintah ini. Beliau saat ini sudah pindah ke rumah sakit sebelah atas titah Menkes, semua kecewa namun semua tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa. Dalam hati sangat menyayangkan perpisahan dengan beliau, huh, padahal karenanyalah saya masuk ke hutan belantara ini. “Sibuk di RS baru. Saya ikut bicara pas workshop Birth Defect-nya. Apa kabar (sebut saja saya) Bunga?”, balas beliau. 



Bingung sebetulnya mau jawab apa karena politik di RS jelas tidak baik-baik saja. Apalagi role model di rumah sakit ini sudah tidak ada. Beliau bisa diajak blak-blakan bicara tentang bobroknya rumah sakit, tapi tidak mengesampingkan pelajaran untuk tetap menjaga perasaan dan mawas diri: sabar saja, kalau masih muda memang lebih mengikuti aturan yang biasa ada, aturan yang sudah tua. Walaupun gerah. Jangan keliatan 'warna'-nya. Maksud beliau, biasa-biasa aja, jangan terlalu berbeda.


Tapi kalau ditanya apa kabar, apalagi jawabannya kalau bukan: “Baik Dok, alhamdulillah. Lagi mencari inspirasi di seminar sini.”


Saya berangkat di pagi itu dengan tujuan mencari siapa yang mampu menginspirasi. Allah baru pertemukan saya pertama kali dengan Prof. Dr. dr. Erry Gumilar Dachlan, Sp.OG, Subsp. KFM. Di salah satu sesi kuliahnya beliau buka dengan, “di masa-masa sekarang ini, Sp.OG bangun di pagi hari dan berpikir, ‘siapa yang bisa saya seksio ya?’”


Miris. 

Tapi benar adanya. 


Sesekali mendengar percakapan dokter di kamar sebelah seperti, ”buat apa poli kalau tidak ada operasi?” atau "pokoknya operasi saya minggu ini ada 3, 2 besar dan 1 kecil." Supaya apa? Mungkin masalah uang, remun kita sebutnya. Mungkin masalah skill, jumlah operasi mungkin menggambarkan jenjang keahlian tangan. Namun keahlian tangan tidak selalu berbanding lurus dengan keahlian analisa. Mungkin masalah target rumah sakit.


Kedokteran ini sudah lama teriritasi dengan monetisasi. Judgement Dokter untuk melakukan operasi operasi dikangkangi oleh perut sendiri, pikir saya, si anak kemarin sore. 

Ternyata saya salah.

Saya, si newbie di hutan belantara ini ternyata seorang naif yang tidak tahu bahwa untuk mendapatkan 1 operasi, ada banyak mulut yang harus disuapi, ada perut yang harus diisi, dab ada tangan yg harus disalam tempeli. Perut si pegawai administrasi, perut di kakak perawat di meja tensi, perut anak si dokter yang lagi skripsi, perut si ibu yang mengatur jadwal operasi, dan akhirnya perut keluarga bapak-bapak perawat bedah yang mengasisteni operator bisa sampai 6-8 jam per sesi. 



Di tangan merekalah yang menentukan para dokter bedah ini apakah berjodoh dengan pasiennya atau ditikung sama dokter yang lain. Disinilah proses transaksi terjadi, supply demand. ‘Dokter butuh pasien? Saya bawakan dokter pasien.'


Praktik ini entah mulia entah hina, yang jelas sudah ada sejak purbakala dan dimana-mana ada. Bukan di hutan belantara saya saja, saya yakin di hutan belantara lainnya mungkin lebih gelap dan mungkin tidak bertahta. Mungkin bawah tangan, mungkin terang-terangan.


Sudah biasa satu rumah sakit memasang tarif dengan emblem: bidan merujuk pasien kesini, kita (rumah sakit) bagi jasa 1 juta perpasien. Ditambah lagi dengan percakapan transaksional, “di rumah sakit ini, kalo saya (bidan) merujuk dapat 1 juta, di rumah sakitmu 700 ribu saja ga nyampe.” Percakapan biasa, seperti jual beli batu di Pasar Rawa Bening. 



Sudah biasa di pegawai pendaftaran bekerja sebagai penyalur pasien. Masih dalam rambu definisi kerja. Namun, kadang bergantung sesajen. “kalau sakitnya ini baiknya ke dokter itu.” Satu waktu saya dapati 2 pasien saya langsung mengetuk pintu kamar poli, “Dokter udah ga terima pasien ya? Saya mau ke Dokter, tapi kata pendaftaran Dokter lagi operasi. Jadi saya diminta langsung tanya aja ke Dokter masih mau periksa saya ga?”



Belum lagi cerita demand Kemenkes terhadap para dokter pegawainya untuk menghasilkan revenue untuk rumah sakit vertikal. Jumlah pasien naik, angka revenue kita untuk RS naik maka kuadran 1. Jumlah pasien turun, angka revenue kita untuk RS turun maka kuadran 4. Fenomena aneh ini menjadikan dokter dengan kemampuannya beralih menjadi sales marketing. 



Allah menciptakan dunia ini untuk menjadi tempat ujian. Akan dikirim ujian berupa ketakutan, kelaparan, dan kehilangan dan kabar baik pada orang-orang yang bersabar. Every being who intercepts in our path is either to test you in syukur or sabar. Ada satu ayat yang artinya, “dan janganlah engkau (Muhammad) memberi (dengan maksud) memperoleh (balasan) yang lebih banyak.” Al Mudassir ayat 6.



Mulai saja dari diri sendiri karena nanti akan menghadap Yang Maha Kuasa pun sendiri. Semoga Allah menjaga kita.

This doesnt mean a lot to you

 Dec 29, 2024


"Well, if you know how to read, why are you just a sheperd?"

The boy mumbled an answer that allowed him to avoid responding to her question.

I was her. Wondering why people choose their path even if they have much more other potential they can exploit out of themselves. 

I didnt understand at the time that it is their true calling. Their role in this world as the warrior. 



CSgasm

 Dec 24, 2024. 1734.

XDR tuberculosis. Not your every day cesarean section.

Plus

Wrecked right lung lobus. 

And pulmonary hypertension.

Started the surgery with 60ish/40ish mmHg. 

CSgasm.

Full protection, N95, covid-style apparels. 

Shower after the ops. 

It felt like an injection of happy hormone.

I hope the mother survive the ICU.  

Behavioural changes

 Nov 29, 2024. 0822 hrs

Posted dec 6. 

10 weeks pregnant and i cannot stand people. 

Never occur to me the word apa kabar could be obnoxious.

And i ignored phonecalls. 

Since uh when?

I skipped hospital like i skipped school. It seemed im a sophomore all over. 

And i sleep too much. Before work, in between patient, while waiting for anesthesiologist to sedate patients. In the parking lot. 


10th wedding anniv and..!

 Nov 10, 2024

Somewhere above the sky of java island.

Im just gonna give my life updates. So if u read this, you are somewhat the first to know. 

Nov 1 i celebrated my 10th years wedding anniversary. Which i am very proud of it. Imagine when i was in preliminary exam for entering OBGYN residency. One of the examiner who was my kepala departemen gave me this question:

Liat contoh perempuan2 obgin disini. Kamu ga takut cerai/selingkuh? Gimana suami anak kamu ditinggal lama selama kamu di RS?

I answered, affair happened pretty much everywhere. Bukan obgin aja. That happened when the integrity bw husband and wife is lost (And that integrity is being tested when you are alone between you and God eyes only). That integrity, diajarin di rumah. Dont make obgyn as an excuse. 

So, my 10th years together with mas irsyad was my achievement. Our achievement. 

Nov 2, my pregnancy test was positive. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 after 5 years waiting and we conceive spontaneously. The prayers that i thought was only there sitting in the corner has been answered <3

I really like Allahs timing. July i finished hajj been praying for pregnancy and i believed Allah will just as easy to grant it. Just like my:

1. GMC story 

2. Mercedes benz story

3. Madinah Jeddah superfast train story

4. Bakso and bala-bala story.

August ive been taking care of people who i squeezed forcefully into my plate yet full-heartedly but finally drifted away. And come the time wishing i could take care someone who really belongs to me. And ta da! Someone inside my belly! 

I am in my profound gratitude to the Most Merciful.. 

The baby maybe come too soon

 Oct 30, 2024. 1950 hrs

Both gabor mate, susan cain, and a. Helwa told a story about Nasruddin, the foolish character Rumi made in his sufi stories, in their books. Who happened to lose his keys. All his friends help him to find the key and asked where did the last time he saw/hold the key. He said,"in my house." But he himself and his friend was there outside the house (instead of in the inside). "Then why we are here? Not inside?"

"Because there is light out here, i can see clearly."

He looked for something in the wrong place because the wrong place seemed easier for him to see.

What a story. 

A colleague of mine had a miscarriage. Well, when i say a colleague means i dont really talk to her unless its about patients stuff. She seemed shock but also strong. She is a doctor, she knows whats going on. The night she got to the emergency room (ER), she was well understood that she experienced a hypovolemic shock, a state when she bled too much thus heart and lung were compromised. The heart rate spiked.

We rescucitated and she was sent to operating theatre (OT) directly. 

Parts of conception was expelled when we were in the ER. She needed to undergo curretage in order to stop the bleeding. It went well alhamdulillah.

The next day, i came to see her. She was cheerful, alhamdulillah, i dont have to feel like breaking bad news, i thought. And i did the usual patient education such as what i did in the OT, the specimens (the baby and the placenta i took out), some precautions, warning signs, etc. Include : future pregnancy. 

She already knew what causes the miscarriage for her first pregnancy: unexplained. We could not know unless we spent thousands of unnecesarry expensive tests only to find out why and most of cases are just cannot be explained. We dont know why. 

I mentioned, 

we can do screening for the next pregnancy, we better off plan the pregnancy well, etc etc.

But above all, sometimes even if we screen all the possibilities of underlying disease of you or any chromosomal defect on the baby, sometimes we dont look for the cause in your mind. 

So, its important that you made your peace first and be true to yourself and we can meet to do screening and planning to conceive after that. Sometimes, for newlywed, some stressed are triggered because the baby came too soon, you dont have time for honeymoon or the feeling you cant be a mother yet. 

Then i closed with, itu tabungan pahala, dont feel guilty and theres nothing to be blamed. 

She looked down and try to avoid eye contact while i said the baby came too soon. 

I believed that whatever stress we carry, it affects the body. What happened to us, maybe its the way God answers our prayers. 

Smile to it or frown to it

 Oct 26, 2024

Just got off a 1.5 hour phone call from a friend. Basically we discussed about "culture" shock, to him as in environment changes, to me as in human behaviour. 

His culture shock was obvious, pure living adaptation to understand a new way of living. Mine was something in disguise and delicate, because i want to understand a new way to understand. 

As we grow and do a lot of exercise to encounter people, we will have "hunches" to see malfunctioned person, especially emotionally malfunction. Why do i say "hunch"? Because you cant see it objectively. Physical disabilities may be very prominent and obviously shown. But emotional disabled people, they will be surprisingly functional to do chores but they are toxic in certain level. Unfortunately though, you cant see how toxic they are until you encounter them (maybe) daily/routinely. 

For these past few months, i read books related to sophisticated way to understand people. 

1. Bittersweet by susan cain - basically told me how longing and having sorrow somehow one of two sides of coins. Its bitter and sweet. 

2. Quiet by susan cain - made me understand people sometimes are introverts who doesnt talk much but they are forced to meet certain expectations. And most of them hide their true selves behind a book/pods/journal/whatever they gear to face the outer world who cant stop talking

3. No longer human by osamu dazai - a sad story from a suicidal author who wrote a story about himself living of a shameless life of not fitting the society. How he doesnt desire, he doesnt feel, he doesnt need anything. He cannot say his emotion.

4. Maps of meaning by jordan petterson - a logical way to hide/avoid (if i can use my own preference of diction, while he would say "control over your capacity to control") things that might drag you to domain of chaos. Basically say, from my understanding, that just drop things that make your life in chaos, focus on yourself. (And at some point i sensed that this petterson way to describe it as "focus on yourself, and just ignore other people, they dont matter to you"

5. When the body says no by gabor mate - a finishing book of my own journey to understand people (hopefully). He dissects to a very basic human relatiosnhip to their own past experience, trauma, and who makes them who they are now especially the disease developed inside their bodies due to their unfinished repressed emotion, fear, anxiety, loneliness. Including on how i relate to myself of the consequences of being too nice, too understanding actually not really a good thing if being too nice/understanding means losing your own interest/free will.

I came to conclusion in a positive way is that every persona has their own definition in this world, and they play their part. I dont have to intervene even though i see that might be a bomb-ticking explosion in some way or another in people who repressed their emotions. Since i dont have the capacity to put everyone in my plate. I need to invest in my core people whose energy oscillates in my real life. Whose kiss and hug elevates my mood, whose convo deepen my meaning somehow in my/their lives. Who stays.

I also came to conclusion in a negative way, as i quoted from my conversation with my friend just this evening that these toxic people (even thou they are part of the world, part of your life, a person who you once had a good time with, a person who meant a lot to you in some phase of your life, or you cant imagine that you would be in this era without them, you still keep them in your prayers as you promised, will be a two pages in your life, or a chapter, or a book of your writing as if they are really meant to you, i sound so emo wkwk) either you give them a smile, or you give them a frown, they will stay toxic. No matter how you respected them, treated them well as you wanted yourself to be treated, some just has failed not because they wanted to fail you, (i am being still positive) because they doesnt have the capability, doesnt have the heart, doesnt have the willingness. Their intention at first might be not "to fail you" but they just didnt passed the test. 

As khalil gibran said, and i quoted this to in my previous writing, its impossible for a turtle to swift like a deer. But damn i also believe a constant waterdrop soften the rock. Its not the strength of the water, but the continuity to soften the rock. The same way as the hardened heart. 

They wouldnt and couldnt understand you as much as you would not and could not understand them, its a vice versa. If they are not in your plate, its always okay to let them go, for in long term consequences, they reduce your strength and even worse can counter attack your immunity if you start to give up your autonomy. 

Rush hour rage

 Oct 23, 2024 1727 hrs

Ish. Road traffic in Jakarta definitely suppressing immunity. Cant imagine how people can live in peace while driving and spend 2-4 hours on the road trapped in traffic jam. Thankfully i decide to work only for certain radius from home. Less than 30-45 mins, 1 hr top, to get to each hospital in rush hour, and 15 min in the middle of the night.

If no car/motorcycle/bus got into my nerve, i really enjoy the road. Good music, sing a long with my sember voice. 

But. Big but. Road can ruin my mood like an immature on puberty if ada orang songong yg cutting my road improperly. Ugh, i can hunt that vehicle like a dog, honking for 2-3 minute straight right behind their tail. Kaya sore ini. Ada wuling airev bermental motor nyelap nyelip seenak jidat. Gw ikutin ampe rumahnya kalo bisa. 

One time, i got out from the car, i smashed in gentle way at this driver window in front of me  (stupidly leaving all the guard behind, getting out from the car is very childish way to confront). Only to say, "ga punya sim lo ya? Tolol bgt nyetir lo." Untung ga direkam. Aduh i could be that uneducated. 

Lately a lot of videos of this outrage drivers. I need to repress the annoyance of car driver bermental geng motor yang songong. Kaya jalan punya bapak lu. 

I learned that from my dad btw lol. He is very loud in driving, short tempered. I thought he was a macho by the way he drove and chased other car. 

And my language copied my mom. She yelled all the time when she drives. Dont get me wrong, i totally loved the both. Theyre like my superheroes in driving, i took them as role model. The bad one. But i liked it. I like the adrenaline of chasing obnoxious car/bus.

Tidak patut dicontoh.

Once my husband told me (the waaaayyyy more polite driver who brakes even for flat bumps), if i dont stop this habit, i could put my life on danger. Because whatever car/motorcycle/bus i chase, i might stimulate their anger. The anger of people out of their minds. Because the street is where people let their steam from office/work/house off. A lot of nasty thing.

I need to repent. and when i told the story tonight, he said itd be better off to set a dashcam. So i can control language and behaviour.

I made a mistake

 Oct 20, 2024. 2220 hrs

I shouldve stay to listen to their problems, instead of trying to change them. 

"Pity that the stags cannot teach swiftness to the turtles."

-the prophet. Kahlil Gibran. 

When one were born from darkness, grew in complete  blackout then the eyes reluctant to adjust light. One might hate light and long for complete unlitted life. 

Bummer: Nothing really special worth writing

 Oct 19, 2024. 0934 hrs

"yesterday went well?"

"Yep all is good. How bout u?"

"Just like usual. Nothing really special worth writing," i said.

Beneran ga ada yg worth writing? Mungkin ada. But i am too cloudy to see the little sparkles, i guess.

I think i forced myself to write. Btw, i used the diction "forced," i have a thought about it:

Once i got this message from a long lost friend, "yeah honestly, now that I think about it, in true love, true friendshipa lot of effort, shouldn't feel like a lot of effort."

The more i think about it, the more see myself disagree to that statement. At the time, the according sentence sounds beautifully arranged.

At some point in our lives, we do have to make a lot of effort at first to do something, even if we feel reluctant. For example is praying. 

Isnt it too abstract to worship something unseen? Or having faith over something we cant touch? Any human with logic once in his/her lifetime would question the greater power inside and outside our action called God. But then as Allah promised we make one effort one step and Allah will come closer one hasta. Itu aja sama Tuhan the most generous. Gimana sama manusia? Ofcourse we even have to go extra miles to understand true love or true friendship, we need to put a lot of effort. Theres no such things as going with flow. Friendship and love always takes 2 heads to tango, its about meeting people halfway, two parties had to make the effort. 

Thats what i thought about effort. Ya emg hrs effort, sorry to say. 

Then im gonna write about things actually worth writing:

I had finished all my patients for my policlinic day.  The nurse said im free to leave. Then a mom of small stature 17 yo girl came into my room. I thought i have finished. 

"Saya ga daftar poli dok. Cuma mau ngasih ini. Anak saya bulan lalu akhirnya mens.. saya udah janji kalo anak sy mens, saya mau ngasih hadiah ke dokter."

This girl stopped having menstruation since 6 years ago. They had been confused and they didnt have answer to it. Sebegitunya ternyata.. to me, this was just another case aja. Banyak yg kaya begini. Tp to be the one who experienced mungkin sebegitunya frustrated. Frustration for the mother and the young lady.

Si ibunya nangis, anaknya juga nangis. I used to this awkward moment, i knew what to do. I liked the moment. But short after that i plunge into routines that clouds my head, and forgetting that this moment i should be grateful. 

Ini cerita begini actually putting myself to be vulnerable (to appear snob/brag, thats not what i intend, but its up to you how you perceive). For posting like this i didnt put the link up to my IG story. I never repost my patients tag over instagram because it felt wrong. This also a bit awkward. But i feel like i wanna remember the moment, one day i scroll thru my pages, and i can recall this day. 

Satu lagi cerita ttg si ibu istri dubes di amerika. Came to me with uterine prolaps. She was an independent old lady. Very majestic, speaks fluent english. I did all my consultation in english. Oh how i loved it. She got 4 kids, noone accompany her to the hospital. Theyre all busy, she said, and she felt reluctant to mention her probs to her kids. 

Long story short, i sent her to operating theatre, she was wheeled by her daughter. Other obgyn doing the surgery that i am not competent to do for her case. She gave me jilbab and after her surgery we still talked over WA. I am afraid she felt lonely. I dont want my mom felt lonely. Nor any other peoples mom. 

So, "nothing worth writing" sounded wrong. Just force myself to write and be grateful.