Stiff Hands

 Sept 28, 2022.

I finally get my first 2 surgeries after 9 months paused from operating theatre. i have finished all the paper work and all i can do is to sit and make myself useful other than in operating theatre. 

my hands become numbs, i cannot sense my positioning, where i feel most secure to stand. it was only cesarean section. theres no such thing as only that case, only this case. every case is scary, its a bloody work. 

i was just jump into the swimming pool, in my brothers neighborhood, i have promised my son that i would accompany him to swim that day. but one of my colleague called and he couldnt attend the surgery of his patient. he asked whether i could replace. it was my second surgery after so many months i feel numb, missing the OT. without thinking twice, i asked permission to my husband, then to my boy. i was sorry that i 3 hours away from them when i actually promised them swimming.  but, i need that surgery, for my own peace.

done with donning up, i stood on the right hand side of the patient. i didnt feel awkward, because all the situation is awkward. something felt not right but i couldnt address what. the baby was okay, the surgery was okay. and i recalled :

1. i stood in the wrong handside. its not haraam, its just i wasnt used to it

2. i didnt exteriorate the uterus. its not haraam, its even better, but i used to avoid stitching the uterus inside the abdomen, i prefered to take it out first.

3. tanganku ya kaku aja. gimana dong. i need to learn morrreee. 

but by the rule, i cannot supervised a patient yet. due to permission to practice has not been issued yet. 

in the meantime i have been completely desperate to go to surgery, i read this book by Yasmin Mogahed, she described Sabar in a very implementable way:

1. when Allah has commanded something, sabar means persevering in carrying out that action

2. when Allah has forbidden something, sabar means restraining youself against it

3. when Allah has decreed something and we cannot change it, sabar means acceptance without resentment. 

May Allah blessed us and avoid us from wrongdoing. May Allah suffice us. May we can avoid resentment.. 

Impassive

 April 11 2022. 

First post in 2022 i guess. Blogging now i think are more like youngsters instead of for a 33 years old working mother. But i always like the romance of writing..

This is my first written point of view as an obstetrician and gynecologist (uh finally). Do i feel extremely happy passing all of those classess? No. Not extremely happy, but happy and grateful in the modest way realizing i am leaving the most convenient and advance place, the most ultimate hospital. 

Now, i will treat patient with what i got, probably no MRI, probably no color doppler, probably no cystoscopy  probably no hysteroscopy nor laparoscopy. The beautiful theory of ideal treatment will be now limited and only rely on how sharp my knowledge amd intuition.. no more asking dr kemal or dr seno. No more asking for a hand from dr herbert. 

Am i scared? Actually never. Knowing that Allah has all the plan and me only His puppets ofcourse with the brain and the hand. They said it will be time when i lose patient, there will be time i lose my patience, there will be time realizing that i need improvement.

There will be open doors and there will be closed door. There will be maze and uncertainty, ups and downs, high and lows. 

In time of anticipation, i am glad that i have my husband and parents, the place where i belong. I have my kid to kid me all the time. I am not alone in the jungle i have never been into. All of my friends will be in the same phase with different story. I have so much unspoken interconnection with one another. It seemed like i dont have to tell a word, they will understamd anyway.

Many surgeons will be missed. Many moments will be worth to tell. Such an unforgettable 4.5 years experience.