april 16, 2020
its been a month this pandemic set our new normal. to me, i wonder why God care enough to spread this exam, frigthening most of human being on earth who has the capability to understand how massively contagious this virus, especially for us, the health workers.
then finally come the time i can actually embrace the presence of this shortcoming.
1) this is the test for us, doctors, nurses, paramedics to actually be in our patients shoe. then from now on, we will not treat our patients like ass anymore, wont we? hows the feeling of being positive covid, without having symptoms and people will judge you right away. how about people with cancer? the only symptom they had was cough. and we said it was lung cancer. they feel their life was terminated. and for once, God remind us by this
2) i have plenty of day off. it is out of imagination that i will have more the 2 days 24 hours stay at home, watching TV and put my boy to bed acting like a mother (ofcourse i maintain distance) but hey, who would have the blessed to stay at home like this as resident? but then i remember that even though i have my quality time, i did not use it to rebuild my broken prayers to God. i did not read my Quran, i did not my time for my Dhuha, i postpone prayers til i feel guilty myself. this is the time God give me a test to see whether i seek Him in this crisis. Astagfirullah.
3) we wouldnt take teacher for granted. we parents, sometime give all those effort in teaching to teachers. forgetting us also the real teacher. Sakha would have a good handwriting due to practicing WITH me. i shouldve spend more time teaching him. especially when i sometimes imagining that life would be abruptly ended just like that.
4) marriage would be tough when both doesnt have time alone. but realizing that we are both at home, but we couldnt meet just because i was finishing shift in hospital was like pain in the ass. imagining that all these time i have spent in hospital could be the time my husband to rest, but now, he has two babies to take care of, could be tiring and annoying at the same time. still, i cannot live like this anymore. i shouldve done something else other than realizing that my husband is not for me all the time, he has to work, he has kid to feed, he has baby boy wanting to play ball and bicycling. after all these years, i thought my husband was all for me, in fact, my husband was there late at night after i arrived home, and before i leave for hospital. now that i have plenty of time alone, i become more egoistical selfish monster, imagining this might be the only time i can spend with my husband. will there be any second chance? will there be any future?
shut up.
