Matching capacity

Sept 30, 2024. 2022 hrs. 

Bumped into putra, my afs mate back in 2006 and still goin, in facebook messenger. As usual i dont do "how u doin?", instead i do, "are you happy?"

Dinda n putra's bandwidth connects in such a way, thankfully, we dont have to struggle to align frequency.  I started to tell my issue to putra. 

I think i encounter a friend with NPD. Its been very hard to have a healthy conversation and its been very tricky in term of measuring the word, in such a way that it doesnt offend the opposite party. 

First lesson from putra: "Tapi din klo emg dia kayanya gamau dibantu or lo lg ga ada capacity ga perlu dipaksain"

What capacity that i cant provide? Its actually an urge for my to help and reach out. Its my own satisfaction to know if im able to match the frequency. Does this sound too egoistical or selfish?

Ga perlu dipaksain.. if this is about fight or flight respons, i definitely go with fight. I sometime force myself to be helpful. Because at some point, they know that they need us in a way. They know that theyve been unpleasant, have this unmatched wiring in communication, need this connection. And people who walks toward them eventually felt pushed away and leave. But they dont want us to leave. At least thats what they told to me early on. 

"Berjiwa hippo oath sekali ya anda harus membantuuu" kata putra. 

I dont know. That helps me too, in a way i feel like i find a sense of purpose. Nabi Muhammad always met an old woman in daily basis, she harassed and threw trash to him. One day, she wasnt there where she used to at in the neighborhood. Nabi Muhammad found out that the old woman is sick. And he decided to take care of her. The old woman then humbled and inspired by him. Shouldnt we be like Nabi Muhammad?

I replied to putra, "Im surprised that you understand.."

Then putra came to tell me the dark stories of detachment, of letting go, of 'enjoy your life.' 

"At first I was devastated diiin tapi ya gw balikin ke doa jugaaa." Yeah. This is where the ultimate endeavor we can provide from the first place. By keeping them in my prayer, at least i know they are in a good hand since Allah has the best calculation that human cant comprehend.

I asked, "did u reach him out, put?"

"Did u reach him out again?"

"Did you try everything Put?"

He did. He did. And he did. His friend was just vanished. 

Kata putra at last in just-now convo, "As I said sometimes we dont have the capacity."

Thanks put for this matching capacity. This meant a lot. 

I quote one paragraph of story from the book ive been reading recently:

"as a raindrop fell from a pregnant cloud, it looked at the ocean and said, 'who am i compared to this infinite sea?' The raindrop's humility inspired the heart of an oyster to open its shell and let the raindrop inside, transforming in into a beautiful pearl"

You are the raindrop to someone.

I am the raindrop to someone.

She is the raindrop to someone.

He is the raindrop to someone. 

A donkey carrying books

 Sept 28, 1615 hrs

"A donkey carrying books," a new idiom i got from the book i decide to engage right after my second round of Susan Cain's first book (if im not mistaken) Quiet. The idiom means you read a book but didnt understand the meaning or didnt implement the lesson u got from the book.

Ive been procrastinating. I started to lose sense of writing again. But im gonna write it bored, write it numb. Argh i dont want it it numbb.

I established phases in high school, university, residency in a world of extroverts at least i thought they were. After i read the book, i questioned everything. Ah, i see, they might act like an extroverts to meet the expectation: meeting peers.

This Susan Cain book elaborates that, it is a struggle to one cope into a new level of life. Toddler, teenager, high school, college/univ, workplace, and ultimately marriage. Its been actually widely believed that one might not be a pure introvert or extrovert. 

Some might be, what she refers as gregarious could be also a contemplative person. So this concept actually falls into spectrum instead of an exact black and white. Some might be a quiet but do a lot of action and jump into an outgoing activities. 

She literally mentioned about many theories based on many research and Many background stories which actually some of it pushed me away from the book for being too scientific. Its like reading journal paper. I took it super slowly. 

But what really struck me is that, even thou i feel like easily engaged to other people. I never really thing about whats going on in their head. They might be look interested, but in some of my speaking opponent has to spend extra energy to focus of what im saying, push their brain too much to think of the reply.

And everyone has to respect and embrace their own selves first. If u think you dont wanna chitchat, its always okay to do a U turn, turn around away from people you dont want to do gibberish talk. 

But if meeting people is your need, like myself, always consider that the person we see in front of us is never been a reality. Its must be something going on in their head. Whether they like the convo, or they strive to finish the discussion, or they struggle to elaborate their thinking process to match their sparring partner. A lot to consider. And this is book actually, i think, i good source of leadership.

Jump into my daily civilization:

1. Mas irsyad is somewhat introvert, i try my best to pay attention when he become weary of my socialization hour. And i deeply appreciate that in fact he also make effort for me to meet my socialization's need.

2. I met 4 foreigners in my hospital.  Walk toward one of them. 2 girls in some distant range, 1 busy cameraman moving away from the circle, and 1 cameraman just about to walk away. I could see one agigated person when he saw i walked toward them. I pick the agitated one, and i say, "hi, are you recording for the new building in the hospital?" And he said in a fluent english american accent, "im sorry i dont speak english." Bull shit man bull shit. I laughed myself silently, ofcourse with my judgemental pride, i was so right. But actually, i might wrong too. Thats the funny thing about human interaction, we produce splitting images of theories toward each other. 

3. I learned that my son might be more dominant in introversion type. He would came home and bragged about his drawing that he finished during lunchtime. Quite with details, it took some time to draw it. When at home, he would switch to a talkative mode, but i realized i rarely know him at school. I would pick him up at his drawing extracuricullar class, he made convo too with friends. Not like an extra quiet kid. So im gonna observe longer.

4. My preference of circle: 2-3 people, its a ideal number to build a strong bond. The connection is established easier and more open. We reciprocate an equal amount of talking, listening, and usually ended up with me had this spiking level of romance to write and extracting lesson from their learning curve. When i attended a 8-9 extroverted group of buddies, i found drown into listening and observing and contemplating instead of trying to match and jump into their energetic convo. 

Glimpse of these 3 days of my civilization

 26 Sept 2024. 1850 hrs

I really want to write down all the excitement, downbad, respect, reconnection, and some fear of being drift away. Sometimes i just want let people goes inside my head so i dont have to explain things in words. Just dive into my brain.

The past 3 days ive been tumbang physically. These are moments im gonna capture in words, thus i wont forget. I extremely believe that anyone who crossed into our lives, bring their lesson to us, sometime i dig deeper. Why is it God bring me to you vice versa. 

1. I helped baby khalief born at 2 am, helped baby girl at 7 am, had this unusual hysterectomy at 12 pm and the next day i delivered another baby khalief. So many khalief for one day. For the first time, i slept over in RS Tebet kamar 326. I felt tired, contented, and peaceful. Thanks for wonderful mas irsyad for letting me stay at hospital in drowsy hour.

2. I helped ican to make his work proposal. Cant believe its been 9 years of ebbs and flows, total stranger into friend who appreciate each other's successes. I would say pulling each other's hands thru hell in residency, but i realized most of the time he pulled me sih. And now that hes going away to study, i hope things dont drift away.

3. And i made this 1 long page about mother. On how they treated their kid will shape the kid's becoming. I stumbled into giri's mom instagram and she has this contagious smile and sincere. I want to know what is it that she taught him so he has such grit? 

4. Dropped dr. Mades at her house and we were having 20ish minutes conversation about firstborn kid and how fragile they are. I always like having a company while driving. Most of the time, i just rolled my window half open, pasang musik keras2, wishing somebody would have the same vibes pas lg di lampu merah. No luck

5. In operating theatre, i hyped when bang lampos joined my surgery. I would do the cut n stitch, he would do anything relating to horsepower, either improve my visualization, or pulling something i am too weak to pull. When he stepped in my operating theatre, it seemed like half of the weight have been lifted. 

6. In policlinic, i hyped when kak vivi joined me in the room. She would do all the welcoming basa basi and she would do all the talking and im gonna be cruising without worrying to make extra energy to chitchat. Dont get me wrong, i like to have conversation with patients. But i prefer to have deep convo instead of "ibu rumahnya dimana, anaknya berapa," i would love to have "how does it feel ibu nurturing 3 different people?" Or "what is it in your life make you feel like people dont deserve to have a wife like you?" I feel like i wanna grow old with kak vivi, she completed me.

7. Took my son to the department store. He felt happy and strolled back and forth with the shopping cart. He talked so much and excited. I came to see in another 4 years does he gonna be this happy do grocery with me? Is he gonna tell me all his secrets like we do every night? Hes getting taller, for the first time, his teacher told me he punched one of his friend. What other surprises by then? What should i do to keep the romance? I want him to feel secure to ask me for advice, i want him to feel supported by me. No barrier. When come to this matter, Thanks dr mades for fruitful conversation about firstborn kid, thanks to ican who shares stories about his mother's reaction makes me understand how to react to my son, thanks to short convo with giri who gave me advice on do n donts to the only son. 

Thats all. Be back soon.

Forgive my mom, ya Allah for cursing too much

 Sept 23, 2024 1722 hrs

I parked my car and pulled my handbreak.

"YA ALLAAH AMPUNI IBU SAYA YA ALLAHH " sakha prayed out loud from the backseat.

I burst into laugh, "what did i do wrongg?"

Rewind from the beginning.

Sakha was sick, diarrhea and vomiting 4-5 times this morning. I called a day off at the hospital. Still on call in ER.

By 10 i need to go to hospital, but no one at home at the moment and i cant leave him alone. I call with desperation to my husband by phone from the other room. Apparently sakha heard and when i enter his room he said, "im sorry ibu, i make u worry too much." 

Felt guilty i said, "u do good thing, u do bad thing, i love you, thats the bottomline. And no im not mad at u"

So, we left the house, i took sakha to hospital in a jittery mood. Long story short, i cursed a lot along the way. Like i usually do, the difference was, my son was there observing. Apalagi kl ibu2 pake jilbab naik motor ga pake helm bawa anak SD, argh i cant handle it. 

Got angry because theres no parking spot left at the moment. So i was just moved the no.parking sign away so i can park in that same spot. Luckily i routinely wave to this pak satpam every morning and he sensed my urgency so he helped me to park. I left sakha at the car for less than 15 min, i drove back home. 

Raymond called, i put him on speaker. I said,"oom remon, ada sakha ya di mobil, so dont say kata kasar." Oia baikk, he said. But still, sesekali slipped of the tounge. Sakha would say, "ibu.. language."

I parked my car at home and pulled my handbreak.

"YA ALLAAH AMPUNI IBU SAYA YA ALLAHH" sakha yelled from the backseat.

I burst into laugh, "what did i do wrongg?"

"Ibu ini, ngomongnya @#$%&$( lah, +×=/<,$^ lah. You told me not to say those words, but u also use the words. "

Sometimes it doesnt mean what it meant kakak, its just an enhancer. But i was just say, "im sorry"

At least he didnt puke at all in the car. And he got better this evening.

Oh another learning point for today:

1. The energy i spend on talking and the energy i spend to keep silent when i want to blurt things out is just the same. But keep silent is flush the energy to the drain.

2. The quiet book by susan cain turns out pretty good. 

3. I need allocate energy on something. Sakha has been sleeping all day, i dont wanna scroll thru instagram. I dont wanna netflix. Been writing pages for nothing. 

write it sad, write it tired. write it happy, write it joyful.

Sept 22, 2024. 0135 hrs.

write, woman, write.

write it sad, write it tired, write it hopeless

write it happy, write it joyful, write it blunt

things i appreciate i did :

- brushed my patient's hair, semua ibu abis lahiran harus cantik

- turun dari mobil, tapping my e money for my front car who runs out e money

- give prayer for the living. when theres nothing else i can do, Allah will do best

- give prayer to the dead everytime i pass the cemetery, there are souls who doesnt receive prayer from anyone maybe. im just gonna be there praying for those who doesnt have anyone

- deep talk to people in person apparently gives me energy. thx fidung, fulki, dr. ika. i am drowned into  an abundant sense of purpose when i can listen to them and they can cry it out. its like im filling their void. 

- teach koas and they really mentioned, u r the cool stuff in obgyn doc 

- give a lecture at 3 am to resident because doctor take care of people, dont try to not giving a fuck. (residen kalo cape tend to sail their boat by not giving a fuck, pokoknya bayi udah lahir nangis, then theyre just gonna stop caring), suami gw walaupun kebangun, he approved my lecture. thanks ayah.

things i regret and i wish i could turn back time and fix things :

- decide to detach from people who doesnt appreciate me (im supposed to be able to do things sincerely. apparently im not a saint). detachments makes me wanna throw up. 

- come to realization that im a highly sensitive extrovert who most of the time have thin boundary to people's emotion. i wish i set self-boundaries. i wish i can be less observant. tapi sebenernya i just wanna sticking around, following up, be at the corner of their eyes for the next 8-10 years

- dont gulp. take a sip at a time. to nurture, we only need small rain with regular frequency, they dont need flood of affection.

"Remembrance is a form of meeting. Forgetfullness is a form of freedom."

(Sand and Foam. Khalil Gibran) i am somewhere in between and i am reluctant to be in between those options. 

happy birthday to giri marhara, who really deserve a post, for last couple of months' ebb and flow. live long and prosper. 

Dont put some one on hold

Sept 21, 2024. 0803 hrs

Mas irsyad and sakha went to bandung this morning. I planned to go with them, had already cancel saturday practice. Yet, PPDS called and reminded me that i actually have ER night shift on saturday and sunday nights. I cancelled the trip, after discussion with husband, yang penting sakha yg di bandung, theyre gonna have kids get together. Effective and efficient.

Ended up in my parents' terrace. My mom n i were discussing this particular blog. She is so irritated on how i didnt put apostrophe as it should. Thinking one day this blog will be a book, i would have 14 (is it? Since 2011 so, 13 years) years of language needs to be corrected

Ive been writing since then 2006. Wow. And finally got the sense to write again, i think i need to thank the paddle guy whos been teaching me to focus on developing. I will have a chapter for him, ive been working on it but it stuck.

The discussion with parents and i was deep and broad. realizing the traits which shaped me, i spend the last 35 years copycatting, absorbing their gestures, i would say i inherit some of papa's grit, less empathy when it come to right or wrong. Theres nothing stands in between, no gray area. And to spread the idealism, he tends to be loud and outspoken. Kadang suka ngajakin org berantem. I saw myself at some similar standing, but not all the time. I like to keep my voice low and observant rather than loud and talkative. It depends on the situation ofcourse.

Mama is more considerate, try to find a right time to explain what i do wrong, prefer to write and measure the word. She is one hella leader, at some moment she runs the house like an office. Very punctual. 

I do a lot of implicite writings, to keep the circle only to those who understands. Apparently thats not how communication works. If u wanna keep the sense of 'dicothomy of a poem' sing it in a song. To write a book, or talk in TED, apparently we need be blunt and clear.

Back to terrace discussion. The whole conversation was about 'dont put some one on hold.'

Started with a lesson of appreciating people. At one moment, my brother,i believe he is at work, as pediatrician resident, which i believe crazy as hell, rejected my call and i throw it up to my mom on how he is being unappreciative. 

The lesson was simple. Try not to be negative on people whos struggling. You simply dont know what theyve been through. Residency was rough and so thus everybody else's life. I would call this moment when they cannot pick up phones and cannot reply urgent messages because they are taking care of a code-blue patient. Perhaps he himself was the patient. Drown in projects, visits, patients, gasping for a little peace. 

This gonna be the last and best closing paragraph. 

But i learned a lot from dr. Ali Sungkar, the wisest, most supportive teacher seantero obgin fkui rscm. He NEVER put the phone on hold. He never let the ring rang for more than 5 sec. Even in a surgery. He always always picked up the phone. He eased somebodys worry by picking up the phone. Dan itu pahala. And if u can be nice, why do u have to postpone for being nice. Again, whos gonna know u have the time to call back? In a split second people can be in highway to heaven.

"oh, im going to mess this up"

Sept 19, 2024 1754 hrs

This song got my attention (i dont think i've heard the song before, it was just yesterday this song came up to my youtube music once). And today, i listened, instead of only enjoy, I tried to look further on what he’s been trying to imply. this song was prominent among my 'quick pick' driving songs. As usual, I rewind the song for the last 15 minutes until I reached my momma’s house.

Please tell me that im not the only one who feels a profound misery in the song. whoever made the song must be exhausted of seeing himself disappoint people in his own head and in his own scenario. may God ease you. berapa banyak orang yg having this kind of desperation coba sampe bisa dibuat lagu? how sad. how empty. 

meanwhile, im here believing life is colorful and believing other also embrace the same rainbow colors. turns out, they dont see life as colorful.  maybe color is not really matter for them.  

im just gonna put some the lyrics here.

I'm sorry for everything
Oh, everything I've done
From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved
Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved

Am I out of luck?
Am I waiting to break?
When I keep saying that I'm looking for a way to escape
Oh, I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted
I can't help you when I'm only gonna do you wrong

Oh, I'm going to mess this up
Oh, this is just my luck
Over and over and over again

The book I can read in repeat.

 Sept 19, 2024. 1906 hrs

"Tapi beda-beda ya tiap orang.. jatuh cinta sama tulisan tuh menurut gw hampir sama kaya jatuh cinta ama orang, wkwkw.."

i quoted this from rani. i couldnt agree more. i love her writing at the first sight. 

this book "bittersweet" by susan cain has been taking over my breath in the last 3 days. bought it on saturday night, sleepless nights, finished it on monday night. when i couldnt sleep i would open the book. this book helps me to deviate  attention and withdraw myself from social media. the more i dived into the book, the more i realized she stereos ideas that i thought no one would understand. i can related most of the chapters. its about losing, accepting, and rebuilding with the left over scratch. most of the time i would say, "been there." "been there." "been there."

in between patients, while waiting for the anesthesiologist prior surgery, when i got stuck in traffic jam, i would just read the book. very helpful. its fascinating.

i think most people can related on how she experienced. 

what i learned this from the book:

various types of people will come and go. they were once a stranger. then you will see something in common between us, that connects and clicks, and you usually experienced certain positive vibes that eventually made you feel long for them. they in some way or the other, shaped you.

every living things die, the same way people you love will leave. like leaf, sometime they are there for one chapter of your life. they fell in autumn. sometime, they stays in your happy times, strong enough to hold on to, like a branch. but it collapse in heavy wind/storm. but root people thou, the persist. they came as a stranger but they are there standing in many battles you have been through. some cultivates your energy, transferring it into your self development. some makes you feel weary, drain the energy, at some point you just need to step away for your own equilibrium.

at the first time i bought the book, i aimed for understanding other people's sorrow and how to deal with it. turns out i learned about myself. the writing was not much of advance semantics, but that doesnt degrade the message. she even reminded me of my writing in times of corona, when people dont take their significant other for granted. because we just couldnt promise tomorrow.

literally speaking, this is the book i can read in repeat. just like a good song i would rewind until i got tired. i would just gulp it, i do not resist myself only take a sip at a time. i would be okay when the cup is finished, unlike the dissatisfaction of a cup being half emptied. 

i enjoy the book so much to the point i dont want people to know the book, because i wanna own the romance myself. 

Unconditional Love and Respect

Sept 16, 0619 hrs

 

Im gonna make this real quick.

1.    Make up your relationship with Allah. Because he will arrange steps to favour you. If the steps don’t go the way you want, He is either delaying it, or protecting you from things that are bad for you

2.      There are only 2 sources of unconditional love : Allah and parents.

3.     Manusia2 di sekitar kita itu cuma titipan Tuhan. This has to be anchored deeply.  Their love is conditional, has certain term and condition. Lets say, friends, spouse, and son/daughter. To ease me to let my son go everyday to school, knowing he is only titipan Allah, so I let Allah arrange his day, to protect, and to bring him back home. Spouse, some people learned it the hard way, I took lesson from their learning curve. To respect spouse unconditionally.

4.    We are always replaceable at work, at any social function. But at home, that’s the real thing, no one can replace somebody of being a mom, or a father, or a son / daughter, or a husband/wife.  That’s where the effort go all in, and that’s where we find rest.

 

Mastering Pain

Sept 15, 2024. 0455 hrs 

A right amount of sadness, joy, long, and hope will be a good mixture to turn something into art : drama play, poem, paintings, and ofcourse to me, the romance to start writing. I believed most of drama play are written and played basically from sorrow. 

Back in 2006, I registered myself to be in drama class and joined drama club. That’s the place a learn the word “solemn silent” and “don’t do anything stupid” from Mr. O’Malley, an Irish teacher, so proud of his origin. 

 We would have this face muscle exercise. He said, Smile! Mourn! Excited! Sad! Cry! And many kinds of emotion and we made grimace of the according emotion. 

The other day we would have an improv exercise. We would read a cue card, and imitates movement, and the student has to guess correctly exactly by reading our movement and gesture. I recall I think his name is , aduh lupa, tall guy, good in any sports, he did this viral NSYNC movement of bye bye bye , some other students with their own cue card, and I got cue card of “make out” and what I did : going out from the class. And mr. o’malley said, that’s not it. I didn’t know what it means at the time, I learned later on wkwk. 

 They have this theatrical mask as the symbol of all drama class, the comedy and tragedy.

Characterize the ability to transform into an whole new identity. And the process to change to an entirely different person was a painful process because its hard. It’s a long and slow process for me at first, to memorize words I didn’t recognize and I need to make a certain gesture to mimic that particular scenario, to understand meaning that implies in certain line. 

 I was playing as Kaa, the snake in jungle book I think it was a fall season play. I need to make my face wanting to eat Mowgli, the human cub, but I need to show some resistance to respect the jungle’s law. What the hell? Its so absurd. Let me see if I have a picture about my play in my old facebook.

And after we rehearsed over and over again, We remember each other’s line by heart. I would remember Baloo’s (the wise bear) line, Hyena’s (the most irritative one) line, Baghira’s (the nice tiger), shere khan's (the bad tiger) and we would spent the entire 2 months after school practicing the play. 

After certain amount of exercise, you will encounter pain and hardship professionally. It is still hard but you receive the pain as a part of your regular exercise. 

In our everyday life, this drama exercise of grimace and gesture continues. Then we face wide variety of pain. (based on the random adam grants podcast, is it gabor mate with adam grant or simon sinek? Not sure) we will receive two kinds of pain; the pain of of press our ego in order to fit the society or the pain of becoming a solitary. one of my common combat in pain is: hospital meeting. I entered the room knowing some faces I respect some faces i dont recall, and I didn’t have the energy to ad lib. So I decided to read a hardcopy book, being a solitary. I felt heavy and painful feeling, the feeling of I don’t belong to this area. When I pulled my phone out like other people do, copying the society, and read Sand and Foam in my pdf I felt more at ease. i compromised 2 sides for my own peace. 

Imagine if you decide to only master one kind of pain. You end up as a people pleaser (which to me, it sucks) and a solo fighter (which to me, frightening).

"Bu bayinya cuma sebesar 3 gelas aqua"

 

“Bu bayinya cuma sebesar 3 gelas aqua. Karena belum ada otot nafasnya, jadi nafasnya dibantu mesin ya bu,” kata bapak yassien si dokter anak andalan. A very practical way to describe 750 g. 

Fast rewind to the beginning of a day in my life:

Sakha left home to school. I blogged and posted a new writing, turned out people are actually opened the link! U rock guys. Really appreciate it.

Early policlinic. Finish late. Didn’t have lunch yet. Called my husband to grab lunch outside. He said yes, I bailed. Because of this tiny human being (walaupun terkesan i blamed the universe, sebenernya i felt honored, biasalah perempuan, suka gengsi) :

 

Meet Bayi Ny. A.

She is quite a fighter, and her mom also a fighter. mukanya cuma half of your palm..

Look how long her diagnosis is:

Absent end diastolic pada G4P2A1 hamil 27+6 minggu (USG TM 1), JTHIU, janin IUGR (p<2.5), air ketuban berkurang tanpa ketuban pecah (ICA 6), ibu dengan:

- superimposed preeclampsia with severe feature

- AKI dd acute on CKD (Ur/Cr/eGFR 51/1.5/43)

- asites

- hiperuricemia (9)

- hipoalbuminemia (2.2)

- obesitas grade I (IMT 28 kg/m2 )

- BSC 2x

Basically, she got underlying hypertension way before she got pregnant. Then, because of the presence of the fetus and placenta inside her womb, her vascular started to fail. The vascular in a proper function should be able keep the water and protein inside the vein. But, in this mother unfortunately, water and protein start to leak because of weak vascular wall. This is when the basic become complicated, the kidney, the liver start to fail, the eyes, hand, feet, all swollen like a bee sting but this is not localized swells. we decide to deliver the baby in order to save the mother avoiding further damage.

On the other hand, the baby is not fully mature. We needed her to be taken care of outside her mother womb because her surroundings cannot provide her enough. The baby was oxygen-deprived, she was not able to produce urine (she was thirsty inside). She wasn’t getting bigger her growth retarded. She supposed to be 10 more weeks longer in her moms belly.

The surgery was a some way more difficult, but compared to my own overthinking prediction, Allah gave a lot of ease. The mom was on obat anti pembekuan darah yang seharusnya dihentikan 2 minggu sebelum operasi. Because this was an emergency, who the heck would know to stop the drugs 2 weeks prior? So I expect its gonna a bloody c section. And because the water and protein leak had been so massive, we could see a fluid collection in her abdomen from ultrasound (which is no free flowing water should be in between abdominal organs). So this surgery was like a flood and bloody.

When we cut open the belly, we aspirate 1500-2000 cc free flow ascites. The womb so small, we need to resist the guts from going in our way. She got 2 previous caesarean section before, this means a bit more challenging compared to mothers with no previous history of belly surgery.

The placenta was in the anterior wall of the womb. This means I need to damage the placenta to reach the baby. Placenta is a thing you need to avoid in order to save blood. But in this case I need to parkour, jump n go straight to the baby, I cannot walk in the proper street. I need to jump right into the placenta which covered the entire anterior uterus. Kalo mau ke posterior/dinding belakang rahim itu lebih nyari kerjaan. Karena simply ototnya lebih tebel, susah ditembus.

We took the feet out first, then hips, torso, the hands, and yang paling susah kepalanya. The head was so fragile. Enyoy like pushing a plastic of gelas aqua. I felt like am I gonna break this fragile neck. The temporal bone is so like tulang muda yang direbus kelamaan.

Once the cut the umbilical cord, I handed the baby to the pediatrician, praying, nangis pls nangis. And she did. A very weak cry. But still. Huff. I didn’t kill the baby nor break the neck ehehe. Sebenernya the bone of a newborn still very mobile and flexible. It is hard to break a baby neck even thou we twist the wrong way, as long as you didn’t put power/pivoting the neck.

And mas yassien, the pediatrician, who deserves a post in my blog actually, said that the baby was small like 3 gelas aqua. I hope she will survive, although its very thin for 750 g baby. The baby was taken care in the baby intensive care with all sophisticated machines. And mom also went to intensive care but she is stable and no need sophisticated breathing support. I hope all is well.

I went from hospital to my rumah sakit pengkolan. And called my husband, can we have super late lunch to our favorite sate maranggi place. then we called it a day.

A Prayer to Die with Dignity

Sept 13, 2024 0645 hrs

Have you thought, wish, and pray on how you wanna die?

We do heart-pulmonary rescucitation in our daily basis to near-death patients. our hand plays like we are the god who can bring people back to life. In fact, I cannot resist the feeling for not knowing thing I did is just useless or gonna change something.

Obviously, I cannot see the line when a soul has leaved the body. I was just gonna stay there, be there pumping, focused on to bring the soul back. Being the one who hold on to this person, believing at some point she might come back. when i got tired, we switched to other doctor/nurse with the same belief that she will live again.

Her breath was shallow because she was intubated, the machine helps her breath. We pumped the heart, the heart was still at tone, but it was our rhytmical pumping on her chest doing compression. We faked a dead into a living. But we couldn’t resist the fact that she passed away. We called the time of death.

While she is there naked under green drapes. Leaving the world undignified. She might not wish to die like that.

Sadly, no one whisper laa ilaaha illallah to her. No one celebrates with her for the fact she was preparing to live in the permanent hereafter. No one plays role as a talkin, the one who lead her to say kalimat syahadat. We need ustad in our code blue team, definitely.

Recalling steve Irwin who died while doing things he loves to do. I think I was in summer school in the states when people was like whattt he died? By stingray? I thought hes gonna die by snakebite or crocodile chopped something off. I used to watched him with his great showmanship a lot of dangerous surprise movement to certain poisonous animals. That was an epic way to die.

my grandpa died in a plane crash. my grandma died in her sleep. my other grandpa died sick in hospital. my other grandma died in hospital. why? why Allah give such and such scenario what did they do back then to receive such way to die?

I recall I always pray shalat mayit in after every shalat fardu. So many people died in mekkah n Madinah. At the time, I think it was the ultimate way to die. To have people around the world actually prostrate to ask Allah to give the dead’s forgiveness.

Then I thought I wanna die in my prayer. They say, in order to die in certain way that you like, you need to do it often, most of your time, that ofcourse in fact increasing the chance to leave the world the way you wanted to leave.

That is what I have been praying for.

Although, every unhumanly midnight I need to drive myself in a hurry to hospital might be, you know, the foolish way to die. Masih ngantuk and adrenaline rush itu funny combination. But im just gonna add my preference to die in every prayer I made. 

an aircraft can stall anytime. do you think you have much time?

 

Sept 11, 2024. 1316 hrs

 

"those who gave you serpent when you asked for a fish. may have nothing but serpent to give." Sand and Foam. Kahlil Gibran

 

i dont know how to put it in sentence. but reading that phrase made me frustrated on how human connection can be wrongly accused just because we dont declare our intention or circumstance. Cant they just give and receive out of respect? So much niche for misunderstanding, so many steep ladder we could fall for being misperceived.

 

let me try to verbalize my urge to be someone who helps.

when i was in the car, pulling out from toll road and paid my etoll, i saw a women, got her ponytail, modest clothes neat not too much. decent bag and all matched. middle age, brown skin tone, with 5 cm wedges walking up the road. it seemed like she just got out of a bus/tebengan, and made her way to certain point.

"that seemed like a harmless women, and theres only one way from this jalan keluar tol to the nearest junction and its quite a walk. how about if i rolled down the window and let her come in to my car?"

and my moral compass might have been overly used compared to my logic agitatedly said, "gila emg ente din. in those bags, she might have a knife"

 

and i have that constant silent battle within me telling me to should or should not do this or do that. padahal kenapa sih mesti takut, i thought. for every sunrise and dawn God protects me, a'udzu bikalimatillahittammaati min syarrimaa khalaq. dear Allah please protect me with your perfect decree from corrupt form of Your creation. I have this invisible armor. So most of the time i just dive in.

I am mesmerized on how the universe works in a comprehensive way. Since then I never resent any wound, I enjoy every silver lining, I like the feeling of putting one feet on the edge of a cliff, and believe that we will not know what tomorrow will hold, but I bet God will make a better story than my head can comprehend.

Contented and grateful with what I have now, I came to realize that even in the assurance of the safest transportation mode, an aircraft can stall anytime. From various phase of life I have been experienced, this exact moment resembles the relieve of successfully putting my own emergency oxygen mask on. The vacancy in every worry has been patched and I am so ready to leave with the craft . I now have the power and urge put oxygen mask to other people.

But why some are so resisting?

the most inferior conduct an eye can do is judge

 

Sept 10, 0727 hrs

I once read a phrase questioning why human has two ears and one mouth. Being surrounded by arrogants, sometime self centred, and little altruist in hospital and how easily I got entertained by watching Simon Sinek, Trevor Noah, Hasan Minaj, Mufti Menk, Yasmin Mogahed, i easily judge people by the way they deliver their thought in sentences.

But why they only have one mouth thou? They speak beautiful language. I think because when you say something, congregate the chosen diction into sentence, and finally decide to vibrate your vocal cords, then the thought is ready to be spoken out and you are responsible for it. its a complete conciouss process

the ears on the other hand, they only receive and perceive and interpret of other peoples’s delivery. The ears are not crawling inside the opponent’s wiring brain and be a part of the thinking process. We need two ears to accept the stimuli and to understand and to patch each other with data they might miss.

This morning I got stuck in a long queue to get out from my housing complex. I left the book I currently read, Maktub by Paulo Coelho. A book was rather boring because he stops doing 'imply', now he 'tells'. I don’t need so much synapse to digest the book. But theres a story about a beggar and a bag of gold that I really like I wanted to post it, but I left the book.

Another book that stays in my car was the jungle books by  kipling, and the opposite of spoiled. I decided to open the book where I left it, where the bookmark divides.  And that was the end of a chapter saying :

 

“ These are the Four that are never content, that have never been filled since the Dews began—Jacala’s mouth, and the glut of the Kite, and hands of Ape, and the Eyes of Man.”

 

Jacala is the crocodile, kite was the bird. I don’t really care about those two. But hands of Ape implies something that struck me (this means kemaruk people is just an analogy of an ape). And of course the eyes of Man.

Why do we have 2 eyes? Beside of the physiological function that I understood back when I was in pre clinical class. We need two eyes to adjust the dimension to wire and give hint to the brain how much distance we need to get to certain object. BUT! Eyes also can be so deceiving. Try to close one eye. The light gets darker, your fingers are closer. I once hit the sidewalk when driving sambil ngucek2 mata. Because my brain processed my surroundings only by one eye.

But so many things we can obtained by using our two eyes. For me, I can see if the patient is in pain by seeing their walking gait. And I can directly assume that she is in labor, lets say. In the contrary, if I believe my eyes too much, I will stop confirming and stop asking further question to the patient, I wont ask "were u in pain?" "When was the pain start?" "Is it pain or pegel or what?" But to communicate is the most fundamental element in resonating ur worry. We need to reach with all senses we have. Not only by our own two eyes. 

I need to sense the contraction by my hand if she is in labor. I need to hear the gritted teeth if she was really in pain. I need her to squeeze my hand so I would understand what shes been through.

Put it in my daily virtual conversation such as whatsapp, text message, email, blog, whatnot. I judge too much. I cannot feel, I cannot smell, I cannot hear, I cannot palpate, i cannot see grimace. So limited source of information to understand a complex human being. How can we communicate effectively, build connections profoundly, having a long lasting relationship or friendship,how can we becoming the real entity for those whos never seen us? How can you believe the beauty of a nature in Instagram? How? Your eyes has cheated on you.

That is why I concluded the most inferior conduct an eye can do is judge. The worse consequences are judge incorrectly.

 

Touch is ecstasy

 Sept 4, 2024. 1736 hrs.

Its a tremendous feeling of excitement after reading this book. 

I have read 3 of Gretchen's books. "The happiness project" was my first exposure to Gretchen. She was very eloquent in describing feeling. Not too vulgar, but just right amount of naked expressions. And i have been falling for her since. 

My family, my mom especially is a hugger a kisser. I inherit the same character more than my 2 siblings. I kiss my mom and dad and son in lips and its very casual, my husband finds it awkward and strange. I kiss my girlfriend in cheeks. And i I always use touch to elevate connection with patients. All of my patients are female thankfully. 

As an obgyn, its hard to make people feel comfortable. Litothomy position is always awkward. I sensed that touch helps my patients to relax. I would touch the knees to assure them that everything is gonna be okay. And i never think that touch is also a strategy to make people relax and free from anxiety. I thought it was just my instinct until Gretchen said it out loud. 

Living in the states was like living my ownself. Im responsible for my own name, my religion, and my country. And finding that hug was a common way to build connection, i felt more like myself. I love german hugger, so sincere. 

Reading the book brings all good memories. Being a muslim from indonesia, we dont much hug at the beginning. But away from sexual intention, a sincere hug helps people. A lot. So unfortunate that it is not our culture and i stop practicing hug. 

Funny story thou how i like hug people, in certain circle i still kiss and hug. But now to hug a fellow male afser, i need to ask my husband for permission. Even thou my husband was exposed also to this hugging culture. I guess to him it exceeds his personal limit maybe. Lol and sad. 

And reading this, oh so much i long for zero barrier in expressing how some people meant to me. Sincere hug is so relieving i cannot portray. 

the struggle to believe in something bigger

 Sept 2, 2024 0734

the last one week has been unpleasant. but i fake it till i feel it. like i usually do. 

back when i was in residency i bumped into Kendl, an AFSer never met him in highschool, found out that we had something in common when i was in Jatinangor. Kendl took dermatology, i thought it was an easy minor. it wasnt. theres nothing easy when it came to residency. but he, gracefully said, "find little sparkle that keeps you going."

and here i am trying so hard i wanna puke to see little sparkles. we're gonna go retrospect. 

sometime in 2005

teguh and i was competing for representing school for newscaster competition. i had been working my ass off  for weeks improving my pronunciations and intonation. and i failed and broken hearted. my logic tried to comfort me, 'yaelah din, he spent such and such year living abroad ohio if im not mistaken,. u r just out of league.' and life goes on, still meeting each other every week, learned a lot from him as sparring partner in debate team. strived for many other competition as one team. 

sometime in 2006

teguh and i again enrolled for  exchange student program. its a 2 year long selection, started with 8000 students around indonesia. i passed, he failed. we went our own ebbs and flows. i told my mom, that a year ago i was having my low, and 2006 was my year, a lot of ups. snd this teguh has been my story, i always referred to that particular phase of my life. and i learned in a competition, no one really compete to each other. they compete with their ownselves. karena sebenernya ceritanya udah ada, how it ends is already written. 

July 2024, in Madinah.

i found one interesting particular person. but i believe in Holy Land, Allah makes a precise step to each individual. 

my cousin went to madinah also but with different travel agency, stayed in the different hotel. small chance i believe we would bump into each other in such big masses, unless we planned it prior. but turned out, we crossed each other on the way back to hotel one day after ashar. we took a picture, send it to our moms. the pict would be delightful for them. mas joko bilang, "lihat dari segini banyak orang, kita ga janjian, kita ketemu, siapa yg nuntun langkah kita kalo bukan Allah?"

i had been praying i could have 1-2 minutes to say hi (and bye) to this interesting particular person. i did not get the chance. until i went back to jeddah to madinah. i finally learned, everytime i prayed for Allah protects me, then Allah will protect me. for not reaching my wish was also because Allah planned so, He has been protecting me all the time. 

August 2024, in hospital

president was coming to our hospital. a lot of extra work a week prior his arrival. we do as we told, i tried to finish the obligation one by one. wishing i didnt have to take my work home. turned out the feeling was like extra exhausted, dull anticipation, not an excitement nor numbness, ga tau apa, rasanya asing, mungkin rasanya seperti mau ujian SOOCA (a kind of exam where i need to stand in front of the class explaining about one case and how it starts, from risk factor to therapy. 4-5 examiners would watch and stare di jaman gw belum tau rasanya berserah diri). in the end, full of failure sih according to my point of view. but then referred back to my highschool and my madinah story. the failure was merely Allah is protecting me from bigger shame/embarrassment or whatnot. 

i usually dont have this struggle. it seemed like letting God preparing my day is enough, He helps me chose the way. i dont have overthink anything. but august has been a roller coaster. cape bgt sampe seorang dinda nulis blog lg itu artinya melelahkan. but they said, thats the point when people grow stronger. maybe my relationship with Allah has been compromised lately.