meet my fear.

july 19, 2011. 2312hrs.

yes. curhat session. rasanya gw ga tau harus kemana nyalurin rasa kangen gw ke temen2 ini.  kemana, ke siapa, via apa, dll.

gw takut psotingan ini jatuhnya terlalu jujur. but gapapalah, take this as a reward for you who get the chance to read this. a little private thing, which later matters a lot.

selama kkn, sasaran tempat curahan things (gw ga mau menyebut ini curahan hati, ato curahan perhatian, hanya curahan things. you may define "things" on your own language) ke rani dan miko. pas awal2, sebenernya lebih ke banyak orang. nanyain kabar orang2 yang gw rasa nice to keep in touch with, dari yang gw rasa pasti enak dan cepat ngebalesnya, ampe yang cuma sekedar formalitas. in anyway, they live in my days, and i certainly grateful and appreciate that.

lama kelamaanm i sticked with rani and miko. yaa. here are the facts. walopun pertanyaan gw sama, dengan menggunakan kata 'apa kabar?' ato manggil nama panjang2 yang emang nunjukin kalo gw kangen, kadang jawaban temen2 cewe gw lebih lama daripada temen2 cowo. kalo bbm, kadang cuma di read ga dibales. haha. gapapa, kayanya respond ability orang emang beda2. ada juga yang kalo jawab ga antusias. ya, jadi gw anggap mereka lagi sibuk, dan i left as soon as they seem wanted to stop.

beberapa bertahan dan gw ngerasa seneng nerima balesan pas gw tanyain kabarnya tiap minggu. those chats, in times like these (times ketika kkn yang mostly gw bingung harus ngapain, shg gw cari2 kerjaan sendiri) means a lot, dan kadang2 gw baca berkali2. dan yang almost everyday ya si miko dan rani. selain karena mereka available di bbm dan ym, jadi lebih gampang dan murah untuk ngebangunin, untuk cuma sekedar panggil memanggil, mereka juga has been good friends of mine. jadi ga canggung2 amat kalo mau cerita ato sekedar missedcal. hehe.

to both of them, i thanked you so much. sebanyak2nya. you dont know what ive been through, but a solid thing i know, i am happy with your presences.

here is the story about me and my bestfriends. kemarin gw tiba2 ga enak untuk menyapa rani dan miko hanya untuk my random problem hanya karena melihat satu hal kecil yang diperbesar oleh hormon hari ketiga gw. you know what i mean.

kemarin malam, di dapur, via hp yang gw yakin sangat memakan pulsa. maafkan saya ya mama dan mishbah.

dalam keadaan mishbah yang nelpon, so i didnt make the call, i took a call.
d: "mish, gw bosen deh. kalo gw ada masalah, gw bolak-balik nelpnya elo mulu. gw pengen nelp orang lain"
m: "yeh. jadi tadi ngapain missedcall gw? dan lo skrg ngasih tau gw kalo lo ga suka gw telp? jujur bgt lo din"
mishbah ga bakal marah gw komentarin apapun. jawaban, "untung gw tau lo, din" chills me out.

pernah ga ngerasa, you have a lot of friends, but only some that you can share certain things? retoris ya? ofcourse we all do have that kinda feelings. bahkan, terkadang, i think some people wouldnt mind if they only made acquaintances, as long as they have at least one whom you can talk to about everything. either a mother, a father, a sister, a brother, a friend. pick one, and hope that would be enough.

if friendship is a reciprocal relationship, i certainly blessed.

kemarin mishbah bilang kira2 gini, a duty of a friend is to believe. apalagi di kondisi gw dimana, dia dimana. especially when silaturahim only can be made by call or text. udah lama kita ga tuker paradigma. dia ngasih semacam elaborasi argumen kenapa it is tend to be "believe" while me saying that it is more "know"

buat gw, a duty of a friend is to know. when to ask, when to not ask. how to dig deeper, how to leave it shallow. in what circumstances we could be a hero, as a problem-solver, in what condition we could be a zero, as a good-listener. in anyway, a friend should know those, or at least try and learn to know.

for the last five-six years, mishbah has been a best friend of mine. i am totally understand what has been given, whats been received.

why am i writing this? mostly because a fear to lose this. since mishbah pacaran sama hesty, i am afraid that i need to allocate this to other good friends, and i dont have all the confidence that there are some who can take me as a package with my bad attitudes.

--i dont like the melancholy of this post, but i think i need to write this down. just to loosen up a bit.
this post, again, its up to you to decide the insights (if there is any). no matter what i am grateful of everything i have had, i have now, and i may have in the future.