The One we are supposed to hang on to

 Oct 7, 2024 

Dinda said, "I bought this mitch albom book like 4 days ago. Believing it will be as good as his other books. Pas dibuka, patah hati."

The day i got the book, i scrolled thru the first 10 pages. He was portraying God in a human form. I said, hmm, okay, i dont think i can get used to it. Better leave the alboms book for a while and switch to pettersons book.

But still after a week, i havent finish maps of meaning. The small font size, abundant new vocabs, i need to sit and learn while reading this petterson's, its not a book i can read in between schedule, nor while driving, while waiting for the meeting to start, while stuck in traffic jam.

Probably i need to be more open up to this new alboms book i havent touched since i bought it.

Then i realized, I was wrong. Gw ga patah hati jadinya skrg. The beginning was deceiving. The plot of the story, the way albom picturing God as a common human-like entity. but as i try to accept the fate that i already bought the book and i dont wanna waste the opportunity. Luckily, short after i clear my intention and put aside my past feeling, i started to understand the flow and the plot twist. i cant put the book down, because it is actually intriguing and provoking.

This Mitch albom has been my favorite author. My kind of book i would bring to travel. All his book is travel size and the font size is just right. And profound. Always makes me cry wkwkw. So cringe.

Reading a book is like reading people. Sometime we got confused at first and then as we try to empty our cup, only then we can absorp the lesson she/he tries to bring. I like when the pages turn yellow, its like reading a guru full of wisdom. And the smell of old book, simply cannot be replaced by kindle. 

Now, back to the story. Its a story about survival. When there is no one else to hang on to. You and the black dark sea under the ceiling full of stars or thunder, it depends how you please your God. A survivor of a shipwreck. Its always been the same drama when it comes into survival. Life of Pi, Noah's Arc, Jonah and the Whale. Its just the same old myth, for a person like petterson, but its an eye-opener magic for albom. 

When it comes to survival mode, i think even a preacher would be capable of killing. Its been in every human fight response. In helwas book, she referred those animal instinct as ego, in petterson he referred it as the hostile brother, in albom he referred it as hunger and thirst.

But all three of them admit that there are something beyond which capable to limit the inflammation of the ego, hostile brother, and hunger. It is fitra in helwas, son of God's voice in petterson, its the angel sent down to the boat for albom. But they are all referring to God's scenario. Something that "has been there" some of the time its too cloudy to be seen, or the voice is too low in volume you cant hear. The primordial goodness, but in survival mode, its called faith.

Basically it is the story of: "with hardship there is ease." Faa inna ma'al usri yusroo. But i never hope to face such hardship. To be alone and need to survive. PPDS was a story of survival. Survival of the rich and spoiled, for some people i believe they would think so. If PPDS was a test on how I be grateful to Allah's decree then i probably failed most of the time. I cursed too much and shredded. Crawl my way up i think because i abandon my primordial goodness most of the time, dont believe in faith. Maybe just maybe in the future i am in that kinda survival phase, pls remember, dear future dinda, to not let go the rope He created to hang on to.

But He said its okay to repent. Both albom and helwa mentioned about repenteance. But this Petterson, he is just a very scientific, logical person. Reading his book is like pulling me in a sad negative atmosphere. I need to finish the book, i want to understand.

Uncontaminated peace

 Oct 2, 2024. 1241 hrs

Finished writing oct 6, 2024.

Before i got my head clouded by this "maps of meaning" by jordan petterson which is very logical, i need to write down my lesson after reading A. Helwa book "secrets of divine love." On the contrary, this book was very, i would say emotional, but i dont think its the best way to put it. When u read petterson's book it seemed like try to find meaning with your head, but in helwa's book i found meaning with heart. 

I bought helwas book around maybe 2 years ago. Wait, im gonna check my tokopedia transaction history. Nope. Its august 2023, a year ago then. Bought it bcs i heard that this was a good book by review.

First pages of the book, omg so hyperbolic. The language was too cringe (back then). I set the book aside and put in under the TV and never opened the book again.

Then september 2023 hits. Palestine and israel bombardment. I believed to the very bottom of my mind that this was the end of the world. This is it, palestine will win, then Hereafter will come as close as middle and index fingers. 

I was scared i might end up in hell. And i started and tried to make a good relationship with the Creator, the one i used to take His mercy for granted. The fear of Hereafter is more dominant at that time. So i pray, i do other ibadah by the intention so Allah wont pusnish me.

Fast forward to may-july 2024.

Out of nowhere, i got invitation to do pilgrimage just a month before i actually depart from Mecca. 

the ustad said earlier in manasik:

Dont think that if you have money you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have time, you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have intention, you will be able to go to Hajj. You need to be invited by Allah Himself to perform Hajj. 

In the process of making passport, hospital management lobbying (apparently i just signed my ASN contract and theres no way i can have hospital leave in a year), other bereaucracy, i learned put all my energy out to whatever i can make but also to surrender and everything is up to fate. 

I did not consider being away from my routines as daughter, as wife, as mother, as obgyn, as friend would be compromised while i left the country. I believe Allah would take care every single being. He will treat my folks like a hungry bird in the morning and fed up by night. Ga tau caranya gimana, Allah pasti ngatur. 

And during the ibadah, i felt an uncontaminated peace. 

I got back home with a new point of view. I did not belong to this earth, i would leave pretty soon. A life of only setetes air yg tertinggal di jari when you drown your index finger in the sea, and the infinite sea is the Hereafter. And what im trying to do is just mengais good deed from scattered opportunity. And i start to do worship because i feel like i need to, not because of fear. And actually with excitement, because im kinda looking forward of what surprise He might gave me today.

August 2024:

turned out the scattered opportunity is both tempting and drift myself away from my ideal relationship with Him. 

If i refer to yasmin mogahed lecture back in 2023, i took a wrong turn and He redirects me again just like google maps. I started to feel weak, clingy, confused, put too much energy on worldly material such as hospital grand opening, human interactions, good music. Started to have a crumble lowest load bearing structure in my head and heart. But i think this circumstance is needed. To make me feel long to that uncontaminated peace again. 

I finished helwas book about a week ago with a feeling of me being anchored with certainty again. And then this whole week penuh dg ujian. Gathered myself to have tranquility today and finished this writing.

Although, the word she used actually is hyperbolic, is a bit too dramatic, but if i compared myself when the first time i read some of the first pages, i realized that when she is trying to describe the beautiful mercy that He provides us, it IS hyperbolic, it IS dramatic. Becuase it is even beyond my own comprehension of "beautiful."  

It takes certain level of belief to understand the book. I dont think i would have the capability to comprehend the book back then a year ago.

And the book gave me a lot of answer such as,

"Do not judge the ones you are asked to give to. Your Lord would never ask something of you without purpose. Perhaps the thief was inspired by your kindheartedness to stop stealing; maybe your kindness gave hope to a prostitute that there was another way to make ends meet; and perhaps your generosity toward the rich man opened his heart to becoming more generous."

Allah's timing is always right. Its just us human who cant comprehend the reasoning yet.

Marathon

Oct 4, 2024. 2315 hrs

Finally home 

After away on duty

Finally eat

After skipping all mealtime

Finally rest 

After long haul

There will be an end to a marathon

So embrace boredom

Embrace a hectic day

Embrace a slow day

Embrace excitement

Mungkin ga datang dua kali

A momentary thought after leading a grand round, taking care 2 policlinics, engaging an abdominal packing removal, never ending challanges in this gedung baru in hospital, driving home-rsp-tebet-rsp-tebet-home, finishing a cervical cerclage and saving myself from those that oscillates in my head during prayers. 

Dinda-Cyntia Agreement

 Oct 1, 2024. 2116 hrs

Cerita sedikit dari praktik swasta malam ini.

Background story: id been in a bad postpartum depression back then. So im aware that some of my patients might caught the same aura. So i tried to educate them a bit about baby blues and post partum depression. Basically cuma bilang, "selama menyusui jangan ngerasa sedih/cape/marah2 yaa.. kalo ada rasa ingin nangis mulu/kesepian, coba kasih tau saya.."

So, this patient came for changing the bandage after delivery by cesarean section. I was in policlinic with my favorite mba bidan, kak cyn. 

And by the end of our conversation, the patient started to sesenggukan and started another cycle of convo by saying, "dokter kan pernah bilang, kalo ada rasa sedih berlebihan sy hrs kasih tau.." Dan kak cyn mengambilkan sekotak tissue.. very symphathetic..

And she explained what shes been through:

1. A feeling of her body is no longer beautiful

2. A feeling of she has no more me-time

3. Tired of people coming to her house and do all the basa basi

4. Husband has been very supportive but she said, he wouldnt understand

5. She cried everytime she breastfed, bilang ke suaminya karena breastfeeding hurts, padahal karena sedih and bingung that theres a baby now in the house

6. Feeling guilty of she needs to leave the baby alone like just now that she had to go to hospital.

I listened to her more than gave suggestion of what to do. Yaaa adalah some suggestions, but its just a mediocre suggestion like improve communication and bla bla bla.

When the patient left the room:

Gw nanya ke kak cyntia, "Kak, lu gmn ngedengerin pasiennya cerita?"

"Cape bgt dok, gw kaya energi kesedot dengerin doi cerita."

"Hah, seriusan lu kak, gw malah hepi ngeliat dia bisa nangis sambil cerita."

"Ga bisa dok, jgn lama2."

"Yaudah deh besok lu cut gw ajalah kl kelamaan, kl ga dicut gw bs ngeladenin doi sejam."

Begitulah. Emg org dianugerahi preference yg beda2 to complete each other. Tapi seneng ga sih bisa come into the same understanding?

Buat kak cyntia ini tu melelahkan, buat gw tuh ini menyenangkan. But we do work it out gt. We communicate and come into a practical agreement. Jauh lebih berarti drpd diem2an, tebak2an. Hah i cannot.

Matching capacity

Sept 30, 2024. 2022 hrs. 

Bumped into putra, my afs mate back in 2006 and still goin, in facebook messenger. As usual i dont do "how u doin?", instead i do, "are you happy?"

Dinda n putra's bandwidth connects in such a way, thankfully, we dont have to struggle to align frequency.  I started to tell my issue to putra. 

I think i encounter a friend with NPD. Its been very hard to have a healthy conversation and its been very tricky in term of measuring the word, in such a way that it doesnt offend the opposite party. 

First lesson from putra: "Tapi din klo emg dia kayanya gamau dibantu or lo lg ga ada capacity ga perlu dipaksain"

What capacity that i cant provide? Its actually an urge for my to help and reach out. Its my own satisfaction to know if im able to match the frequency. Does this sound too egoistical or selfish?

Ga perlu dipaksain.. if this is about fight or flight respons, i definitely go with fight. I sometime force myself to be helpful. Because at some point, they know that they need us in a way. They know that theyve been unpleasant, have this unmatched wiring in communication, need this connection. And people who walks toward them eventually felt pushed away and leave. But they dont want us to leave. At least thats what they told to me early on. 

"Berjiwa hippo oath sekali ya anda harus membantuuu" kata putra. 

I dont know. That helps me too, in a way i feel like i find a sense of purpose. Nabi Muhammad always met an old woman in daily basis, she harassed and threw trash to him. One day, she wasnt there where she used to at in the neighborhood. Nabi Muhammad found out that the old woman is sick. And he decided to take care of her. The old woman then humbled and inspired by him. Shouldnt we be like Nabi Muhammad?

I replied to putra, "Im surprised that you understand.."

Then putra came to tell me the dark stories of detachment, of letting go, of 'enjoy your life.' 

"At first I was devastated diiin tapi ya gw balikin ke doa jugaaa." Yeah. This is where the ultimate endeavor we can provide from the first place. By keeping them in my prayer, at least i know they are in a good hand since Allah has the best calculation that human cant comprehend.

I asked, "did u reach him out, put?"

"Did u reach him out again?"

"Did you try everything Put?"

He did. He did. And he did. His friend was just vanished. 

Kata putra at last in just-now convo, "As I said sometimes we dont have the capacity."

Thanks put for this matching capacity. This meant a lot. 

I quote one paragraph of story from the book ive been reading recently:

"as a raindrop fell from a pregnant cloud, it looked at the ocean and said, 'who am i compared to this infinite sea?' The raindrop's humility inspired the heart of an oyster to open its shell and let the raindrop inside, transforming in into a beautiful pearl"

You are the raindrop to someone.

I am the raindrop to someone.

She is the raindrop to someone.

He is the raindrop to someone. 

A donkey carrying books

 Sept 28, 1615 hrs

"A donkey carrying books," a new idiom i got from the book i decide to engage right after my second round of Susan Cain's first book (if im not mistaken) Quiet. The idiom means you read a book but didnt understand the meaning or didnt implement the lesson u got from the book.

Ive been procrastinating. I started to lose sense of writing again. But im gonna write it bored, write it numb. Argh i dont want it it numbb.

I established phases in high school, university, residency in a world of extroverts at least i thought they were. After i read the book, i questioned everything. Ah, i see, they might act like an extroverts to meet the expectation: meeting peers.

This Susan Cain book elaborates that, it is a struggle to one cope into a new level of life. Toddler, teenager, high school, college/univ, workplace, and ultimately marriage. Its been actually widely believed that one might not be a pure introvert or extrovert. 

Some might be, what she refers as gregarious could be also a contemplative person. So this concept actually falls into spectrum instead of an exact black and white. Some might be a quiet but do a lot of action and jump into an outgoing activities. 

She literally mentioned about many theories based on many research and Many background stories which actually some of it pushed me away from the book for being too scientific. Its like reading journal paper. I took it super slowly. 

But what really struck me is that, even thou i feel like easily engaged to other people. I never really thing about whats going on in their head. They might be look interested, but in some of my speaking opponent has to spend extra energy to focus of what im saying, push their brain too much to think of the reply.

And everyone has to respect and embrace their own selves first. If u think you dont wanna chitchat, its always okay to do a U turn, turn around away from people you dont want to do gibberish talk. 

But if meeting people is your need, like myself, always consider that the person we see in front of us is never been a reality. Its must be something going on in their head. Whether they like the convo, or they strive to finish the discussion, or they struggle to elaborate their thinking process to match their sparring partner. A lot to consider. And this is book actually, i think, i good source of leadership.

Jump into my daily civilization:

1. Mas irsyad is somewhat introvert, i try my best to pay attention when he become weary of my socialization hour. And i deeply appreciate that in fact he also make effort for me to meet my socialization's need.

2. I met 4 foreigners in my hospital.  Walk toward one of them. 2 girls in some distant range, 1 busy cameraman moving away from the circle, and 1 cameraman just about to walk away. I could see one agigated person when he saw i walked toward them. I pick the agitated one, and i say, "hi, are you recording for the new building in the hospital?" And he said in a fluent english american accent, "im sorry i dont speak english." Bull shit man bull shit. I laughed myself silently, ofcourse with my judgemental pride, i was so right. But actually, i might wrong too. Thats the funny thing about human interaction, we produce splitting images of theories toward each other. 

3. I learned that my son might be more dominant in introversion type. He would came home and bragged about his drawing that he finished during lunchtime. Quite with details, it took some time to draw it. When at home, he would switch to a talkative mode, but i realized i rarely know him at school. I would pick him up at his drawing extracuricullar class, he made convo too with friends. Not like an extra quiet kid. So im gonna observe longer.

4. My preference of circle: 2-3 people, its a ideal number to build a strong bond. The connection is established easier and more open. We reciprocate an equal amount of talking, listening, and usually ended up with me had this spiking level of romance to write and extracting lesson from their learning curve. When i attended a 8-9 extroverted group of buddies, i found drown into listening and observing and contemplating instead of trying to match and jump into their energetic convo. 

Glimpse of these 3 days of my civilization

 26 Sept 2024. 1850 hrs

I really want to write down all the excitement, downbad, respect, reconnection, and some fear of being drift away. Sometimes i just want let people goes inside my head so i dont have to explain things in words. Just dive into my brain.

The past 3 days ive been tumbang physically. These are moments im gonna capture in words, thus i wont forget. I extremely believe that anyone who crossed into our lives, bring their lesson to us, sometime i dig deeper. Why is it God bring me to you vice versa. 

1. I helped baby khalief born at 2 am, helped baby girl at 7 am, had this unusual hysterectomy at 12 pm and the next day i delivered another baby khalief. So many khalief for one day. For the first time, i slept over in RS Tebet kamar 326. I felt tired, contented, and peaceful. Thanks for wonderful mas irsyad for letting me stay at hospital in drowsy hour.

2. I helped ican to make his work proposal. Cant believe its been 9 years of ebbs and flows, total stranger into friend who appreciate each other's successes. I would say pulling each other's hands thru hell in residency, but i realized most of the time he pulled me sih. And now that hes going away to study, i hope things dont drift away.

3. And i made this 1 long page about mother. On how they treated their kid will shape the kid's becoming. I stumbled into giri's mom instagram and she has this contagious smile and sincere. I want to know what is it that she taught him so he has such grit? 

4. Dropped dr. Mades at her house and we were having 20ish minutes conversation about firstborn kid and how fragile they are. I always like having a company while driving. Most of the time, i just rolled my window half open, pasang musik keras2, wishing somebody would have the same vibes pas lg di lampu merah. No luck

5. In operating theatre, i hyped when bang lampos joined my surgery. I would do the cut n stitch, he would do anything relating to horsepower, either improve my visualization, or pulling something i am too weak to pull. When he stepped in my operating theatre, it seemed like half of the weight have been lifted. 

6. In policlinic, i hyped when kak vivi joined me in the room. She would do all the welcoming basa basi and she would do all the talking and im gonna be cruising without worrying to make extra energy to chitchat. Dont get me wrong, i like to have conversation with patients. But i prefer to have deep convo instead of "ibu rumahnya dimana, anaknya berapa," i would love to have "how does it feel ibu nurturing 3 different people?" Or "what is it in your life make you feel like people dont deserve to have a wife like you?" I feel like i wanna grow old with kak vivi, she completed me.

7. Took my son to the department store. He felt happy and strolled back and forth with the shopping cart. He talked so much and excited. I came to see in another 4 years does he gonna be this happy do grocery with me? Is he gonna tell me all his secrets like we do every night? Hes getting taller, for the first time, his teacher told me he punched one of his friend. What other surprises by then? What should i do to keep the romance? I want him to feel secure to ask me for advice, i want him to feel supported by me. No barrier. When come to this matter, Thanks dr mades for fruitful conversation about firstborn kid, thanks to ican who shares stories about his mother's reaction makes me understand how to react to my son, thanks to short convo with giri who gave me advice on do n donts to the only son. 

Thats all. Be back soon.

Forgive my mom, ya Allah for cursing too much

 Sept 23, 2024 1722 hrs

I parked my car and pulled my handbreak.

"YA ALLAAH AMPUNI IBU SAYA YA ALLAHH " sakha prayed out loud from the backseat.

I burst into laugh, "what did i do wrongg?"

Rewind from the beginning.

Sakha was sick, diarrhea and vomiting 4-5 times this morning. I called a day off at the hospital. Still on call in ER.

By 10 i need to go to hospital, but no one at home at the moment and i cant leave him alone. I call with desperation to my husband by phone from the other room. Apparently sakha heard and when i enter his room he said, "im sorry ibu, i make u worry too much." 

Felt guilty i said, "u do good thing, u do bad thing, i love you, thats the bottomline. And no im not mad at u"

So, we left the house, i took sakha to hospital in a jittery mood. Long story short, i cursed a lot along the way. Like i usually do, the difference was, my son was there observing. Apalagi kl ibu2 pake jilbab naik motor ga pake helm bawa anak SD, argh i cant handle it. 

Got angry because theres no parking spot left at the moment. So i was just moved the no.parking sign away so i can park in that same spot. Luckily i routinely wave to this pak satpam every morning and he sensed my urgency so he helped me to park. I left sakha at the car for less than 15 min, i drove back home. 

Raymond called, i put him on speaker. I said,"oom remon, ada sakha ya di mobil, so dont say kata kasar." Oia baikk, he said. But still, sesekali slipped of the tounge. Sakha would say, "ibu.. language."

I parked my car at home and pulled my handbreak.

"YA ALLAAH AMPUNI IBU SAYA YA ALLAHH" sakha yelled from the backseat.

I burst into laugh, "what did i do wrongg?"

"Ibu ini, ngomongnya @#$%&$( lah, +×=/<,$^ lah. You told me not to say those words, but u also use the words. "

Sometimes it doesnt mean what it meant kakak, its just an enhancer. But i was just say, "im sorry"

At least he didnt puke at all in the car. And he got better this evening.

Oh another learning point for today:

1. The energy i spend on talking and the energy i spend to keep silent when i want to blurt things out is just the same. But keep silent is flush the energy to the drain.

2. The quiet book by susan cain turns out pretty good. 

3. I need allocate energy on something. Sakha has been sleeping all day, i dont wanna scroll thru instagram. I dont wanna netflix. Been writing pages for nothing. 

write it sad, write it tired. write it happy, write it joyful.

Sept 22, 2024. 0135 hrs.

write, woman, write.

write it sad, write it tired, write it hopeless

write it happy, write it joyful, write it blunt

things i appreciate i did :

- brushed my patient's hair, semua ibu abis lahiran harus cantik

- turun dari mobil, tapping my e money for my front car who runs out e money

- give prayer for the living. when theres nothing else i can do, Allah will do best

- give prayer to the dead everytime i pass the cemetery, there are souls who doesnt receive prayer from anyone maybe. im just gonna be there praying for those who doesnt have anyone

- deep talk to people in person apparently gives me energy. thx fidung, fulki, dr. ika. i am drowned into  an abundant sense of purpose when i can listen to them and they can cry it out. its like im filling their void. 

- teach koas and they really mentioned, u r the cool stuff in obgyn doc 

- give a lecture at 3 am to resident because doctor take care of people, dont try to not giving a fuck. (residen kalo cape tend to sail their boat by not giving a fuck, pokoknya bayi udah lahir nangis, then theyre just gonna stop caring), suami gw walaupun kebangun, he approved my lecture. thanks ayah.

things i regret and i wish i could turn back time and fix things :

- decide to detach from people who doesnt appreciate me (im supposed to be able to do things sincerely. apparently im not a saint). detachments makes me wanna throw up. 

- come to realization that im a highly sensitive extrovert who most of the time have thin boundary to people's emotion. i wish i set self-boundaries. i wish i can be less observant. tapi sebenernya i just wanna sticking around, following up, be at the corner of their eyes for the next 8-10 years

- dont gulp. take a sip at a time. to nurture, we only need small rain with regular frequency, they dont need flood of affection.

"Remembrance is a form of meeting. Forgetfullness is a form of freedom."

(Sand and Foam. Khalil Gibran) i am somewhere in between and i am reluctant to be in between those options. 

happy birthday to giri marhara, who really deserve a post, for last couple of months' ebb and flow. live long and prosper. 

Dont put some one on hold

Sept 21, 2024. 0803 hrs

Mas irsyad and sakha went to bandung this morning. I planned to go with them, had already cancel saturday practice. Yet, PPDS called and reminded me that i actually have ER night shift on saturday and sunday nights. I cancelled the trip, after discussion with husband, yang penting sakha yg di bandung, theyre gonna have kids get together. Effective and efficient.

Ended up in my parents' terrace. My mom n i were discussing this particular blog. She is so irritated on how i didnt put apostrophe as it should. Thinking one day this blog will be a book, i would have 14 (is it? Since 2011 so, 13 years) years of language needs to be corrected

Ive been writing since then 2006. Wow. And finally got the sense to write again, i think i need to thank the paddle guy whos been teaching me to focus on developing. I will have a chapter for him, ive been working on it but it stuck.

The discussion with parents and i was deep and broad. realizing the traits which shaped me, i spend the last 35 years copycatting, absorbing their gestures, i would say i inherit some of papa's grit, less empathy when it come to right or wrong. Theres nothing stands in between, no gray area. And to spread the idealism, he tends to be loud and outspoken. Kadang suka ngajakin org berantem. I saw myself at some similar standing, but not all the time. I like to keep my voice low and observant rather than loud and talkative. It depends on the situation ofcourse.

Mama is more considerate, try to find a right time to explain what i do wrong, prefer to write and measure the word. She is one hella leader, at some moment she runs the house like an office. Very punctual. 

I do a lot of implicite writings, to keep the circle only to those who understands. Apparently thats not how communication works. If u wanna keep the sense of 'dicothomy of a poem' sing it in a song. To write a book, or talk in TED, apparently we need be blunt and clear.

Back to terrace discussion. The whole conversation was about 'dont put some one on hold.'

Started with a lesson of appreciating people. At one moment, my brother,i believe he is at work, as pediatrician resident, which i believe crazy as hell, rejected my call and i throw it up to my mom on how he is being unappreciative. 

The lesson was simple. Try not to be negative on people whos struggling. You simply dont know what theyve been through. Residency was rough and so thus everybody else's life. I would call this moment when they cannot pick up phones and cannot reply urgent messages because they are taking care of a code-blue patient. Perhaps he himself was the patient. Drown in projects, visits, patients, gasping for a little peace. 

This gonna be the last and best closing paragraph. 

But i learned a lot from dr. Ali Sungkar, the wisest, most supportive teacher seantero obgin fkui rscm. He NEVER put the phone on hold. He never let the ring rang for more than 5 sec. Even in a surgery. He always always picked up the phone. He eased somebodys worry by picking up the phone. Dan itu pahala. And if u can be nice, why do u have to postpone for being nice. Again, whos gonna know u have the time to call back? In a split second people can be in highway to heaven.