Look inside operating theatre

 Oct 15 2024, 1839 hrs

Let me describe the most solemn place in hospital, just in case i run thru my writing again someday, i will remember this place all.over again. 

Operating theatre, i guess this is the place where the wall witness more prayers than any other section in the hospital. Whether it is a 20 minutes surgery or 10 hours, surgery always mixes the same feeling of hope and fear. 

So, before entering operating theatre we changed our outside clothes with operating scrub. They differ scrub for surgeons, residents, nurses. I think because we are obliged to use mask. Maybe the shape of my eyes resembles someone elses. But the scrub emerge a sense of pride to me. I used to be in that color of residents, and now im in different color. The color of the surgeons who appears to be snob and narcisstic, for some.

But operating theatre is also a sacred places for us. Surgeons adjust their operating room to match their level of tranquility. Some wants their room extremely quite, the anesthesiologist needs to turn off their machine alarm as requested. Some will listen to al quran murattal. Some, like me, would go with air supply (its an old band, in case you are a youngster who never heard of air supply), i like mumbling the song, IF the surgery is not a complicated one. If its complicated, i would go with hasbunallah wa nikmal wakiil, or laa illaha illallah wahdahu laa syarikalak.

Today, my 1st period of surgery started at 08.30. i assissted an oncologist to take out tumor which highly suspicious to be a cancer. Its a 4-hour surgery of standing, no water, high workload on concentrating. Because the tinniest bleeding could came from an artery of less than 0.5 mm in diameter, let alone if its a big artery lets say the biggest is the aorta of diameter 3 cm. Or maybe the worst, when so much bleeding, a patient could loss 8600 liter of blood, she actually living from someone elses blood donor. We took out 30 cm ish mass from ovary. 

I love blood. But i dont like a bloody surgery. But my excitement and fear and anxiety increases with the amount of blood i saw in my operating field. Despite of anything i like a successful surgery. How do i define sucessful, when the patient feel like they are getting better after the surgery. Do u think its an obvious indicator?

Some didnt get better with surgery, because the disease was way too advance or the patient is too cranky with post operative pain, as if the surgery only cause more pain to time. Like what?? For real? What i really love is patients who embrace their surgery as a part of their fighting and they are also supporting me with prayers as if i am their ally to the same combat. 

And not only the surgeon, in my op theatre, we have DJ. The superhero who push buttons: phonecall button (most of us are trained to take phonecall even in the middle of shower or pooping and ofcourse we answer call during surgery), and most importantly next button in song playlist. S/he runs around between op room making sure all needle, equipments, knife, scissors allll the things. I really appreciate their presence. 

And instrumentator, a nurse who helps us handling instrument. We would go like,"gunting" terus nyodorin tangan doang. Dia yg ngasi. "Jarum" terus dia ngasih. Kadang kita ga pake ngomong cuma nyodorin tangan spt meminta2, tapi dia udah tau apa yg kita mau. Ah. Best feeling. Althought its harder done than said.

On my 2nd period of surgery, another 2.5 half hour, taking out bilateral messy 20cm ish lengket cyst, this instrumentator said that i pretty much helped his day, because he didnt get yelled so much like he used to when i didnt join the first period surgery. I liked it. Who doesnt like pujian2 dunia yang menyiksa? Thank for him and her too. 

The best part after surgery are: go to the toilet and long rukuk (stretched alllll the muscles from waist down and spine too) and sujud (relaxed the shoulder and cool down the head too). 

But for me to be here as a surgeon is because unlimited support by my husband. Mama papa juga, but mas irsyad was like also helping me ngerjain PR when i was a resident. Droppped me off at hospital at 02.30 am everyday when i was the most junior resident. I left him so many days alone taking care of my kid. He had a way to cool my head while i was having tantrum, yelling, slamming the door when im pressured or depressed or had this passice suicidql thought back then. Scary phase. But he said, we cannot be only like a diamond. We need to be diamond yg loncat2 (thus we can survive in the society). Happy birthday ayah for always being the shoulder i can lean on. 

Should i make this another project?

 Oct 13, 2024. 1622 hrs

The following is the conversation i had a couple days ago with my girlfriend of tens of years.

"My din," she texted me (i like when my closests call me 'my din', it seemed i belonged. Although actually my past boyfriend, now husband, called me 'my din' first).

"Do u know this obgyn?" She mentioned a name of my senior. My perfectionist senior, i had a fond feeling toward her back then. She had (well the obgyn we discussed today is a she) this idealism, a good almost impossibly perfect to implement. But i somewhat found her spirit was inspiring (back then in residency), its hard to match my spirit and hers.

I said, "yeah, she was my senior." 

I expected this would be a shallow over the weekend convo. And it twisted into something more interesting. But this girlfriend i had, what i adore from her is, we dont do gossip everytime we do meet up. If we may proclaimed ourselves, we are the  altruists among other type of med students. In organization, back then ofcourse, now we're mothers (And we believed we are NOT going to be just a mediocre mother), we were the executor, the ones who made idea into reality. 

"Is she have some psychological issues? She's everyone enemy in the OR. She's angry and moody all the time. To nurses, to everyone."

I replied, "loneliness." Judging by number of surgery she had in a day, oh boy. I felt a big hollow in her. Or maybe she did it for money? Idk. I just prayed i dont end up like her. 

My senior then doesnt change much. She did yell from time to time back then. But my friend thou, with the job she got, she has to witness my senior acted out everyday. If you read this and you are a doc, and you almost certainly can guess what my friends job. And if u are not, just text me im gonna explained. 

"I want to neutralize the situation and put some human aspect in her case. So instead blaming we can actually help her (?) Entah kenapa I don't hate her, somehow malah kasian.. Maybe this is her outlet aja for something deep inside her gitu."

And turns out, my senior was kinda irritates a lot of people, and these people kinda in a plan to initiate movement to eliminate my senior. And my friend, with her mortherly instinct wanna plunge herself in. 

She is so my kind of people. We go extra miles. And i like the thrill. I replied, "We vibe the same, i would do the same. Do you want me to get in touch with her?"

I guess its up to me. 

Ps. Im still reconsidering should i published my no longer human pt 3. Because its a lot at stake for both parties. Im afraid of the consequences and my own emotional well being. 

No longer human pt. 2

 Oct 12, 2024. 0554 hrs

Shall we continue? These are some context before we got into my sense of emergency.

The main character in the book, Yozo, was a part of a big wealthy family. The youngest of 10. And he had zero interest in anything. One day his dad had to do a faraway business trip and asked each of his kids what kind of present they wanted for after trip.

Yozo, stood in silence, he didnt want anything. But that made his dad furious for taking too long to think of which present yozo wanted. His dad said, "How about a lion mask?" 

And Yozo write it down in and included it in the list of presents written by the 10 of his sibling, 'lion mask.' Something that he didnt want, he didnt feel any desire toward. Yet he complied. He didnt want to piss anyone. And he grew just like that.

He had this emptiness of not wanting anything. He acknowledged himself as a person who never got hungry, yet people force him to eat. And he ate the food out of respect. But inside he felt and all the courtesy in society made him anxious. 

Yozo was the class clown in schools, he made joke out of himself, people would laugh, but deep inside its not a joke, its a cry for help by telling others what he underwent in such a manner people think it is a joke. That was not a joke. Yozo was a charm, but he admitted, he fooled anyone. 

Never had any plan for his future. In the story, when he survived a suicidal attempt, he lived with his uncle who asked,"what is it do you want in life?," let alone clarify how to make money. He wanted to be an manga artist. A painter. And he did well, out of his negativity he did well, at least he could provide alcohol and cigarettes for himself.

He was attractive to women. A lof of girls fell for him. But that only buzzing mosquitos for him. He wanted them to go away, but he always treated them with respect. 

He found warmth in older women most of the time. he tried to couple suicide with Women he fell into. Leaving him all alone. 2 girlfriends had been successfully died in their attempts. He survived only expand the emptiness.

How he viewed women? He didnt like company. He didnt like being responsible for other human being. He would go for one night stand instead when he didnt have to caress anyone. All the women he went for one night stand he described as idiot. A very hatred way to choose the word idiot, i would say. 

But in the end, he decided to marry young lady, who put all her belief in him, took him for what he is. Altough most of time he covered himself so the wife didnt see the real him. But then the convo between them got cold, she didnt enjoy much of his company n vice versa. One word i can remember right now, he described his role as a husband as, an errand-runner. Duh kesian bgt. I felt pity on him. He missed so much. 

And he decided to leave his wife and daughter for their sake. He didnt want to interfere their happiness. Padahal maybe he is a part of their happiness, but he is too clouded ya ga sih? Im trying to be positive of his presence. Idk how the wife really feels, osamu didnt describe. but yozo was gone, the book didnt mention whether he killed himself, or just gone. The wife handed yozo's diary to the writer (ceritanya) and the writer made this book out of yozos notebook.

Segini dulu..

No longer human pt 1

 Oct 11, 2024. 1639 hrs

At RS Tebet parking lot. I have time until 5, im gonna put aside my laziness and write instead (i sometime sleep in the car waiting for my policlinic turn if im super tired). But now, i think this is an emergency.

As i mentioned in my yesterday post, i bought Osamu Dazai's "No Longer Human." Im not gonna sum up the book for making a book review. Im gonna corellate how this story affect or somewhat related to my recent stumble upon a friend. An imitation of sahabat pena, maybe. 

I read books since i was 4th grader in elementary school. Say it, enid blyton, malory towers, goosebumps, comic books ofcourse, conan, kungfu boy, etc. Its so addictive, thus one time i made my dad drove up the wallbecause he told me to put away my book from dining table (we were eating together) and i didnt listen. He tore the book apart and locked me inside my room. Is it an overshare? Mmm i dont think so, its just a story that came up. I dont resent that day, kids are always acting out. 

Wait, am i gonna rewind that much further?

Yeah, i think its okay.

And detective conan got pimped into agatha christie. At this point, i learned the way she wrote how observant poirot was. She would say something like, a pen ink in his left hand implies that he is a lefty writing from left to right. For example dirts in her shoes might suggest she passed by certain road where a construction site is going on, how she pays attention to callus, wound, teeth, smell, outfit, gesture.

So i paid so much attention to details. That doesnt mean im a perfectionist with my homework, its just observing a stranger who sit across the table can be so fascinating to me. Wild guesses and i like it when it turns out correct. 

Okay enough about myself. Its time for the emergency. 

But im gonna continue after policlinic. Wait, after policlinic, im gonna drive home, pack my suitcase for weekend in Bandung. We'll see how urgent is my emergency in blogspot setting. 

Like in that song

 Oct 10, 2024. 1944 hrs

I need to write down something. 

But i dont wanna talk about surgeries. The time i spent in operating theatre disappeared into thin air. Sometimes i felt like, why today seemed so short? Ah, thats because that baby, or that curettage, or that bloody procedure. 

Back when i underwent residency i loved OT to the bone. A peaceful place. Now i realized, OT was my escape from phonecalls and jittery seniors/consultant out there, and OT means limited chance of people yapping. 

Now, things has changed, long OT hours means big shot of skipping meals, shalat, human interaction, sight seeing, ontime hospital leave. Its not that my excitement to blood had decreased, but i realized i missed so much to understand there are also other unexplored sections of the world. 

Like today, i met this bapak2 in his late 40ish in periplus, i bought "no longer human" and he told me, u need to read this!

1. Kite runner, i cant its too sad, i read it once and i cant repeat. But i would.

2. Maktub, i did read it

3. Haruki murakami. Norwegian wood. Hmm. Heard about him a lot, maybe one day im gonna read it

4. Atomic habits. Naaah sounds boring

I listened to his expertise on this atomic habit that life is about repetition and consistency. He was very menggebu2, and i liked his energy to overcounter me as a potential buyer. He is from jogjakarta, we probably wont meet again, but he made my day. 

He said,"oh dinda, kaya di lagu?" 

Iya pak, like in that song.

To be honest, i had some other interesting convo with rani about well being, with dicky about experimental friend, with yafidy about last prayer, with dr. Purnawan about reality vs expectation. But its too complicated i feel like easier to keep it for myself. 

And this no longer human book, reminds me of my abandoned chapter i used to write about 'the greatest showman.' Which i feel like easier to keep it myself.

Maybe oneday in my lifetime i will share the chapter. A sad chapter. Like 'the night we met' song, which i played on repeat. The more i rewind, its easier for me finally feel sick of the song and explore new songs. Skrg, masih belum bosen. 

The One we are supposed to hang on to

 Oct 7, 2024 

Dinda said, "I bought this mitch albom book like 4 days ago. Believing it will be as good as his other books. Pas dibuka, patah hati."

The day i got the book, i scrolled thru the first 10 pages. He was portraying God in a human form. I said, hmm, okay, i dont think i can get used to it. Better leave the alboms book for a while and switch to pettersons book.

But still after a week, i havent finish maps of meaning. The small font size, abundant new vocabs, i need to sit and learn while reading this petterson's, its not a book i can read in between schedule, nor while driving, while waiting for the meeting to start, while stuck in traffic jam.

Probably i need to be more open up to this new alboms book i havent touched since i bought it.

Then i realized, I was wrong. Gw ga patah hati jadinya skrg. The beginning was deceiving. The plot of the story, the way albom picturing God as a common human-like entity. but as i try to accept the fate that i already bought the book and i dont wanna waste the opportunity. Luckily, short after i clear my intention and put aside my past feeling, i started to understand the flow and the plot twist. i cant put the book down, because it is actually intriguing and provoking.

This Mitch albom has been my favorite author. My kind of book i would bring to travel. All his book is travel size and the font size is just right. And profound. Always makes me cry wkwkw. So cringe.

Reading a book is like reading people. Sometime we got confused at first and then as we try to empty our cup, only then we can absorp the lesson she/he tries to bring. I like when the pages turn yellow, its like reading a guru full of wisdom. And the smell of old book, simply cannot be replaced by kindle. 

Now, back to the story. Its a story about survival. When there is no one else to hang on to. You and the black dark sea under the ceiling full of stars or thunder, it depends how you please your God. A survivor of a shipwreck. Its always been the same drama when it comes into survival. Life of Pi, Noah's Arc, Jonah and the Whale. Its just the same old myth, for a person like petterson, but its an eye-opener magic for albom. 

When it comes to survival mode, i think even a preacher would be capable of killing. Its been in every human fight response. In helwas book, she referred those animal instinct as ego, in petterson he referred it as the hostile brother, in albom he referred it as hunger and thirst.

But all three of them admit that there are something beyond which capable to limit the inflammation of the ego, hostile brother, and hunger. It is fitra in helwas, son of God's voice in petterson, its the angel sent down to the boat for albom. But they are all referring to God's scenario. Something that "has been there" some of the time its too cloudy to be seen, or the voice is too low in volume you cant hear. The primordial goodness, but in survival mode, its called faith.

Basically it is the story of: "with hardship there is ease." Faa inna ma'al usri yusroo. But i never hope to face such hardship. To be alone and need to survive. PPDS was a story of survival. Survival of the rich and spoiled, for some people i believe they would think so. If PPDS was a test on how I be grateful to Allah's decree then i probably failed most of the time. I cursed too much and shredded. Crawl my way up i think because i abandon my primordial goodness most of the time, dont believe in faith. Maybe just maybe in the future i am in that kinda survival phase, pls remember, dear future dinda, to not let go the rope He created to hang on to.

But He said its okay to repent. Both albom and helwa mentioned about repenteance. But this Petterson, he is just a very scientific, logical person. Reading his book is like pulling me in a sad negative atmosphere. I need to finish the book, i want to understand.

Uncontaminated peace

 Oct 2, 2024. 1241 hrs

Finished writing oct 6, 2024.

Before i got my head clouded by this "maps of meaning" by jordan petterson which is very logical, i need to write down my lesson after reading A. Helwa book "secrets of divine love." On the contrary, this book was very, i would say emotional, but i dont think its the best way to put it. When u read petterson's book it seemed like try to find meaning with your head, but in helwa's book i found meaning with heart. 

I bought helwas book around maybe 2 years ago. Wait, im gonna check my tokopedia transaction history. Nope. Its august 2023, a year ago then. Bought it bcs i heard that this was a good book by review.

First pages of the book, omg so hyperbolic. The language was too cringe (back then). I set the book aside and put in under the TV and never opened the book again.

Then september 2023 hits. Palestine and israel bombardment. I believed to the very bottom of my mind that this was the end of the world. This is it, palestine will win, then Hereafter will come as close as middle and index fingers. 

I was scared i might end up in hell. And i started and tried to make a good relationship with the Creator, the one i used to take His mercy for granted. The fear of Hereafter is more dominant at that time. So i pray, i do other ibadah by the intention so Allah wont pusnish me.

Fast forward to may-july 2024.

Out of nowhere, i got invitation to do pilgrimage just a month before i actually depart from Mecca. 

the ustad said earlier in manasik:

Dont think that if you have money you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have time, you will be able to go to Hajj. Dont think that if u have intention, you will be able to go to Hajj. You need to be invited by Allah Himself to perform Hajj. 

In the process of making passport, hospital management lobbying (apparently i just signed my ASN contract and theres no way i can have hospital leave in a year), other bereaucracy, i learned put all my energy out to whatever i can make but also to surrender and everything is up to fate. 

I did not consider being away from my routines as daughter, as wife, as mother, as obgyn, as friend would be compromised while i left the country. I believe Allah would take care every single being. He will treat my folks like a hungry bird in the morning and fed up by night. Ga tau caranya gimana, Allah pasti ngatur. 

And during the ibadah, i felt an uncontaminated peace. 

I got back home with a new point of view. I did not belong to this earth, i would leave pretty soon. A life of only setetes air yg tertinggal di jari when you drown your index finger in the sea, and the infinite sea is the Hereafter. And what im trying to do is just mengais good deed from scattered opportunity. And i start to do worship because i feel like i need to, not because of fear. And actually with excitement, because im kinda looking forward of what surprise He might gave me today.

August 2024:

turned out the scattered opportunity is both tempting and drift myself away from my ideal relationship with Him. 

If i refer to yasmin mogahed lecture back in 2023, i took a wrong turn and He redirects me again just like google maps. I started to feel weak, clingy, confused, put too much energy on worldly material such as hospital grand opening, human interactions, good music. Started to have a crumble lowest load bearing structure in my head and heart. But i think this circumstance is needed. To make me feel long to that uncontaminated peace again. 

I finished helwas book about a week ago with a feeling of me being anchored with certainty again. And then this whole week penuh dg ujian. Gathered myself to have tranquility today and finished this writing.

Although, the word she used actually is hyperbolic, is a bit too dramatic, but if i compared myself when the first time i read some of the first pages, i realized that when she is trying to describe the beautiful mercy that He provides us, it IS hyperbolic, it IS dramatic. Becuase it is even beyond my own comprehension of "beautiful."  

It takes certain level of belief to understand the book. I dont think i would have the capability to comprehend the book back then a year ago.

And the book gave me a lot of answer such as,

"Do not judge the ones you are asked to give to. Your Lord would never ask something of you without purpose. Perhaps the thief was inspired by your kindheartedness to stop stealing; maybe your kindness gave hope to a prostitute that there was another way to make ends meet; and perhaps your generosity toward the rich man opened his heart to becoming more generous."

Allah's timing is always right. Its just us human who cant comprehend the reasoning yet.

Marathon

Oct 4, 2024. 2315 hrs

Finally home 

After away on duty

Finally eat

After skipping all mealtime

Finally rest 

After long haul

There will be an end to a marathon

So embrace boredom

Embrace a hectic day

Embrace a slow day

Embrace excitement

Mungkin ga datang dua kali

A momentary thought after leading a grand round, taking care 2 policlinics, engaging an abdominal packing removal, never ending challanges in this gedung baru in hospital, driving home-rsp-tebet-rsp-tebet-home, finishing a cervical cerclage and saving myself from those that oscillates in my head during prayers. 

Dinda-Cyntia Agreement

 Oct 1, 2024. 2116 hrs

Cerita sedikit dari praktik swasta malam ini.

Background story: id been in a bad postpartum depression back then. So im aware that some of my patients might caught the same aura. So i tried to educate them a bit about baby blues and post partum depression. Basically cuma bilang, "selama menyusui jangan ngerasa sedih/cape/marah2 yaa.. kalo ada rasa ingin nangis mulu/kesepian, coba kasih tau saya.."

So, this patient came for changing the bandage after delivery by cesarean section. I was in policlinic with my favorite mba bidan, kak cyn. 

And by the end of our conversation, the patient started to sesenggukan and started another cycle of convo by saying, "dokter kan pernah bilang, kalo ada rasa sedih berlebihan sy hrs kasih tau.." Dan kak cyn mengambilkan sekotak tissue.. very symphathetic..

And she explained what shes been through:

1. A feeling of her body is no longer beautiful

2. A feeling of she has no more me-time

3. Tired of people coming to her house and do all the basa basi

4. Husband has been very supportive but she said, he wouldnt understand

5. She cried everytime she breastfed, bilang ke suaminya karena breastfeeding hurts, padahal karena sedih and bingung that theres a baby now in the house

6. Feeling guilty of she needs to leave the baby alone like just now that she had to go to hospital.

I listened to her more than gave suggestion of what to do. Yaaa adalah some suggestions, but its just a mediocre suggestion like improve communication and bla bla bla.

When the patient left the room:

Gw nanya ke kak cyntia, "Kak, lu gmn ngedengerin pasiennya cerita?"

"Cape bgt dok, gw kaya energi kesedot dengerin doi cerita."

"Hah, seriusan lu kak, gw malah hepi ngeliat dia bisa nangis sambil cerita."

"Ga bisa dok, jgn lama2."

"Yaudah deh besok lu cut gw ajalah kl kelamaan, kl ga dicut gw bs ngeladenin doi sejam."

Begitulah. Emg org dianugerahi preference yg beda2 to complete each other. Tapi seneng ga sih bisa come into the same understanding?

Buat kak cyntia ini tu melelahkan, buat gw tuh ini menyenangkan. But we do work it out gt. We communicate and come into a practical agreement. Jauh lebih berarti drpd diem2an, tebak2an. Hah i cannot.

Matching capacity

Sept 30, 2024. 2022 hrs. 

Bumped into putra, my afs mate back in 2006 and still goin, in facebook messenger. As usual i dont do "how u doin?", instead i do, "are you happy?"

Dinda n putra's bandwidth connects in such a way, thankfully, we dont have to struggle to align frequency.  I started to tell my issue to putra. 

I think i encounter a friend with NPD. Its been very hard to have a healthy conversation and its been very tricky in term of measuring the word, in such a way that it doesnt offend the opposite party. 

First lesson from putra: "Tapi din klo emg dia kayanya gamau dibantu or lo lg ga ada capacity ga perlu dipaksain"

What capacity that i cant provide? Its actually an urge for my to help and reach out. Its my own satisfaction to know if im able to match the frequency. Does this sound too egoistical or selfish?

Ga perlu dipaksain.. if this is about fight or flight respons, i definitely go with fight. I sometime force myself to be helpful. Because at some point, they know that they need us in a way. They know that theyve been unpleasant, have this unmatched wiring in communication, need this connection. And people who walks toward them eventually felt pushed away and leave. But they dont want us to leave. At least thats what they told to me early on. 

"Berjiwa hippo oath sekali ya anda harus membantuuu" kata putra. 

I dont know. That helps me too, in a way i feel like i find a sense of purpose. Nabi Muhammad always met an old woman in daily basis, she harassed and threw trash to him. One day, she wasnt there where she used to at in the neighborhood. Nabi Muhammad found out that the old woman is sick. And he decided to take care of her. The old woman then humbled and inspired by him. Shouldnt we be like Nabi Muhammad?

I replied to putra, "Im surprised that you understand.."

Then putra came to tell me the dark stories of detachment, of letting go, of 'enjoy your life.' 

"At first I was devastated diiin tapi ya gw balikin ke doa jugaaa." Yeah. This is where the ultimate endeavor we can provide from the first place. By keeping them in my prayer, at least i know they are in a good hand since Allah has the best calculation that human cant comprehend.

I asked, "did u reach him out, put?"

"Did u reach him out again?"

"Did you try everything Put?"

He did. He did. And he did. His friend was just vanished. 

Kata putra at last in just-now convo, "As I said sometimes we dont have the capacity."

Thanks put for this matching capacity. This meant a lot. 

I quote one paragraph of story from the book ive been reading recently:

"as a raindrop fell from a pregnant cloud, it looked at the ocean and said, 'who am i compared to this infinite sea?' The raindrop's humility inspired the heart of an oyster to open its shell and let the raindrop inside, transforming in into a beautiful pearl"

You are the raindrop to someone.

I am the raindrop to someone.

She is the raindrop to someone.

He is the raindrop to someone.