The baby maybe come too soon

 Oct 30, 2024. 1950 hrs

Both gabor mate, susan cain, and a. Helwa told a story about Nasruddin, the foolish character Rumi made in his sufi stories, in their books. Who happened to lose his keys. All his friends help him to find the key and asked where did the last time he saw/hold the key. He said,"in my house." But he himself and his friend was there outside the house (instead of in the inside). "Then why we are here? Not inside?"

"Because there is light out here, i can see clearly."

He looked for something in the wrong place because the wrong place seemed easier for him to see.

What a story. 

A colleague of mine had a miscarriage. Well, when i say a colleague means i dont really talk to her unless its about patients stuff. She seemed shock but also strong. She is a doctor, she knows whats going on. The night she got to the emergency room (ER), she was well understood that she experienced a hypovolemic shock, a state when she bled too much thus heart and lung were compromised. The heart rate spiked.

We rescucitated and she was sent to operating theatre (OT) directly. 

Parts of conception was expelled when we were in the ER. She needed to undergo curretage in order to stop the bleeding. It went well alhamdulillah.

The next day, i came to see her. She was cheerful, alhamdulillah, i dont have to feel like breaking bad news, i thought. And i did the usual patient education such as what i did in the OT, the specimens (the baby and the placenta i took out), some precautions, warning signs, etc. Include : future pregnancy. 

She already knew what causes the miscarriage for her first pregnancy: unexplained. We could not know unless we spent thousands of unnecesarry expensive tests only to find out why and most of cases are just cannot be explained. We dont know why. 

I mentioned, 

we can do screening for the next pregnancy, we better off plan the pregnancy well, etc etc.

But above all, sometimes even if we screen all the possibilities of underlying disease of you or any chromosomal defect on the baby, sometimes we dont look for the cause in your mind. 

So, its important that you made your peace first and be true to yourself and we can meet to do screening and planning to conceive after that. Sometimes, for newlywed, some stressed are triggered because the baby came too soon, you dont have time for honeymoon or the feeling you cant be a mother yet. 

Then i closed with, itu tabungan pahala, dont feel guilty and theres nothing to be blamed. 

She looked down and try to avoid eye contact while i said the baby came too soon. 

I believed that whatever stress we carry, it affects the body. What happened to us, maybe its the way God answers our prayers. 

Smile to it or frown to it

 Oct 26, 2024

Just got off a 1.5 hour phone call from a friend. Basically we discussed about "culture" shock, to him as in environment changes, to me as in human behaviour. 

His culture shock was obvious, pure living adaptation to understand a new way of living. Mine was something in disguise and delicate, because i want to understand a new way to understand. 

As we grow and do a lot of exercise to encounter people, we will have "hunches" to see malfunctioned person, especially emotionally malfunction. Why do i say "hunch"? Because you cant see it objectively. Physical disabilities may be very prominent and obviously shown. But emotional disabled people, they will be surprisingly functional to do chores but they are toxic in certain level. Unfortunately though, you cant see how toxic they are until you encounter them (maybe) daily/routinely. 

For these past few months, i read books related to sophisticated way to understand people. 

1. Bittersweet by susan cain - basically told me how longing and having sorrow somehow one of two sides of coins. Its bitter and sweet. 

2. Quiet by susan cain - made me understand people sometimes are introverts who doesnt talk much but they are forced to meet certain expectations. And most of them hide their true selves behind a book/pods/journal/whatever they gear to face the outer world who cant stop talking

3. No longer human by osamu dazai - a sad story from a suicidal author who wrote a story about himself living of a shameless life of not fitting the society. How he doesnt desire, he doesnt feel, he doesnt need anything. He cannot say his emotion.

4. Maps of meaning by jordan petterson - a logical way to hide/avoid (if i can use my own preference of diction, while he would say "control over your capacity to control") things that might drag you to domain of chaos. Basically say, from my understanding, that just drop things that make your life in chaos, focus on yourself. (And at some point i sensed that this petterson way to describe it as "focus on yourself, and just ignore other people, they dont matter to you"

5. When the body says no by gabor mate - a finishing book of my own journey to understand people (hopefully). He dissects to a very basic human relatiosnhip to their own past experience, trauma, and who makes them who they are now especially the disease developed inside their bodies due to their unfinished repressed emotion, fear, anxiety, loneliness. Including on how i relate to myself of the consequences of being too nice, too understanding actually not really a good thing if being too nice/understanding means losing your own interest/free will.

I came to conclusion in a positive way is that every persona has their own definition in this world, and they play their part. I dont have to intervene even though i see that might be a bomb-ticking explosion in some way or another in people who repressed their emotions. Since i dont have the capacity to put everyone in my plate. I need to invest in my core people whose energy oscillates in my real life. Whose kiss and hug elevates my mood, whose convo deepen my meaning somehow in my/their lives. Who stays.

I also came to conclusion in a negative way, as i quoted from my conversation with my friend just this evening that these toxic people (even thou they are part of the world, part of your life, a person who you once had a good time with, a person who meant a lot to you in some phase of your life, or you cant imagine that you would be in this era without them, you still keep them in your prayers as you promised, will be a two pages in your life, or a chapter, or a book of your writing as if they are really meant to you, i sound so emo wkwk) either you give them a smile, or you give them a frown, they will stay toxic. No matter how you respected them, treated them well as you wanted yourself to be treated, some just has failed not because they wanted to fail you, (i am being still positive) because they doesnt have the capability, doesnt have the heart, doesnt have the willingness. Their intention at first might be not "to fail you" but they just didnt passed the test. 

As khalil gibran said, and i quoted this to in my previous writing, its impossible for a turtle to swift like a deer. But damn i also believe a constant waterdrop soften the rock. Its not the strength of the water, but the continuity to soften the rock. The same way as the hardened heart. 

They wouldnt and couldnt understand you as much as you would not and could not understand them, its a vice versa. If they are not in your plate, its always okay to let them go, for in long term consequences, they reduce your strength and even worse can counter attack your immunity if you start to give up your autonomy. 

Rush hour rage

 Oct 23, 2024 1727 hrs

Ish. Road traffic in Jakarta definitely suppressing immunity. Cant imagine how people can live in peace while driving and spend 2-4 hours on the road trapped in traffic jam. Thankfully i decide to work only for certain radius from home. Less than 30-45 mins, 1 hr top, to get to each hospital in rush hour, and 15 min in the middle of the night.

If no car/motorcycle/bus got into my nerve, i really enjoy the road. Good music, sing a long with my sember voice. 

But. Big but. Road can ruin my mood like an immature on puberty if ada orang songong yg cutting my road improperly. Ugh, i can hunt that vehicle like a dog, honking for 2-3 minute straight right behind their tail. Kaya sore ini. Ada wuling airev bermental motor nyelap nyelip seenak jidat. Gw ikutin ampe rumahnya kalo bisa. 

One time, i got out from the car, i smashed in gentle way at this driver window in front of me  (stupidly leaving all the guard behind, getting out from the car is very childish way to confront). Only to say, "ga punya sim lo ya? Tolol bgt nyetir lo." Untung ga direkam. Aduh i could be that uneducated. 

Lately a lot of videos of this outrage drivers. I need to repress the annoyance of car driver bermental geng motor yang songong. Kaya jalan punya bapak lu. 

I learned that from my dad btw lol. He is very loud in driving, short tempered. I thought he was a macho by the way he drove and chased other car. 

And my language copied my mom. She yelled all the time when she drives. Dont get me wrong, i totally loved the both. Theyre like my superheroes in driving, i took them as role model. The bad one. But i liked it. I like the adrenaline of chasing obnoxious car/bus.

Tidak patut dicontoh.

Once my husband told me (the waaaayyyy more polite driver who brakes even for flat bumps), if i dont stop this habit, i could put my life on danger. Because whatever car/motorcycle/bus i chase, i might stimulate their anger. The anger of people out of their minds. Because the street is where people let their steam from office/work/house off. A lot of nasty thing.

I need to repent. and when i told the story tonight, he said itd be better off to set a dashcam. So i can control language and behaviour.

I made a mistake

 Oct 20, 2024. 2220 hrs

I shouldve stay to listen to their problems, instead of trying to change them. 

"Pity that the stags cannot teach swiftness to the turtles."

-the prophet. Kahlil Gibran. 

When one were born from darkness, grew in complete  blackout then the eyes reluctant to adjust light. One might hate light and long for complete unlitted life. 

Bummer: Nothing really special worth writing

 Oct 19, 2024. 0934 hrs

"yesterday went well?"

"Yep all is good. How bout u?"

"Just like usual. Nothing really special worth writing," i said.

Beneran ga ada yg worth writing? Mungkin ada. But i am too cloudy to see the little sparkles, i guess.

I think i forced myself to write. Btw, i used the diction "forced," i have a thought about it:

Once i got this message from a long lost friend, "yeah honestly, now that I think about it, in true love, true friendshipa lot of effort, shouldn't feel like a lot of effort."

The more i think about it, the more see myself disagree to that statement. At the time, the according sentence sounds beautifully arranged.

At some point in our lives, we do have to make a lot of effort at first to do something, even if we feel reluctant. For example is praying. 

Isnt it too abstract to worship something unseen? Or having faith over something we cant touch? Any human with logic once in his/her lifetime would question the greater power inside and outside our action called God. But then as Allah promised we make one effort one step and Allah will come closer one hasta. Itu aja sama Tuhan the most generous. Gimana sama manusia? Ofcourse we even have to go extra miles to understand true love or true friendship, we need to put a lot of effort. Theres no such things as going with flow. Friendship and love always takes 2 heads to tango, its about meeting people halfway, two parties had to make the effort. 

Thats what i thought about effort. Ya emg hrs effort, sorry to say. 

Then im gonna write about things actually worth writing:

I had finished all my patients for my policlinic day.  The nurse said im free to leave. Then a mom of small stature 17 yo girl came into my room. I thought i have finished. 

"Saya ga daftar poli dok. Cuma mau ngasih ini. Anak saya bulan lalu akhirnya mens.. saya udah janji kalo anak sy mens, saya mau ngasih hadiah ke dokter."

This girl stopped having menstruation since 6 years ago. They had been confused and they didnt have answer to it. Sebegitunya ternyata.. to me, this was just another case aja. Banyak yg kaya begini. Tp to be the one who experienced mungkin sebegitunya frustrated. Frustration for the mother and the young lady.

Si ibunya nangis, anaknya juga nangis. I used to this awkward moment, i knew what to do. I liked the moment. But short after that i plunge into routines that clouds my head, and forgetting that this moment i should be grateful. 

Ini cerita begini actually putting myself to be vulnerable (to appear snob/brag, thats not what i intend, but its up to you how you perceive). For posting like this i didnt put the link up to my IG story. I never repost my patients tag over instagram because it felt wrong. This also a bit awkward. But i feel like i wanna remember the moment, one day i scroll thru my pages, and i can recall this day. 

Satu lagi cerita ttg si ibu istri dubes di amerika. Came to me with uterine prolaps. She was an independent old lady. Very majestic, speaks fluent english. I did all my consultation in english. Oh how i loved it. She got 4 kids, noone accompany her to the hospital. Theyre all busy, she said, and she felt reluctant to mention her probs to her kids. 

Long story short, i sent her to operating theatre, she was wheeled by her daughter. Other obgyn doing the surgery that i am not competent to do for her case. She gave me jilbab and after her surgery we still talked over WA. I am afraid she felt lonely. I dont want my mom felt lonely. Nor any other peoples mom. 

So, "nothing worth writing" sounded wrong. Just force myself to write and be grateful.

Art of surrendering

 Oct 16, 2024. 1607 hrs

Gawat. That time of the month again. Feels like i wanna go somewhere no one knows my name. 

I wanna keep writing but the spirit has gone. And now everytime i look at my book, i feel i wanna puke. How could i read that much book for the past months. I wonder where the energy came from, matter of fact i probably i drained it. 

I wanna write about the art of surrendering: about my patient who never surrender and i surrender to her. I did 3 procedures on her alone only to meet a failure of her expectation. To me its a failure. For her maybe its her strive her fight and pride. Maybe. 

On the phone with my friend, i said,"gw cape ngomong ama dia. She is so persistent. ngalah mulu gw. Padahal gw udah tau bakal gagal." -- they said, "bukan ngalah dung, it is you trying to put yourself in her shoes while maintaining your rationality as a doctor."

I think im gonna tell you the story. 

A couple weeks ago, i got a referral of a mother, 32 yo, pregnant 30 weeks, the baby weight hy ultrasound was 950ish gram. She wasnt supposed to be in labor yet. But she came with cervical dilatation of 3 cm. When usually theres no cervical dilatation in this 30 weeks.

Cervical dilatation of 3 cm means exposure of the babys membrane to the outer world had happened. Out world means bacterias, vaginal fluid, infection, etc. 2 options: A) let the baby out and we treat the baby after she was delivered. B) put so much antibiotics, anti contraction drug hoping the dilatation will close by itself.

Yet, the patient was so educated. She wants to do cervical cerclage, option Z. A procedure to forcefully close the cervix by stitching the cervix from arah jam 1 ke jam 11 ke jam 7 ke jam 5 balik lg ke jam 1 so the cervix will close just like ngiket sarung guling. Chance of success? Less likely.

Why she is being so persistent?

I learned that she lost her kid of 700 g in NICU a couple years ago. The same problem, the cervix dilate way too early. The womb cant handle the weight of the baby. And a slight infection. Make the whole body trying to expel the baby in order to save the baby from ongoing infection inside the mothers system. And her 2nd kid was a miscarriage. 

 I started to think that this mother construct her way to decide based on chaos she had previously, added with buoyed informations of alternatives/options that she herself cannot predict how much hope she should predict/expect. Woman, oh woman when it come into emotional decision, theyre bad at it. 

Sometimes its easier to exchanging knowledge with the husband, more logical and less drama. But still its her body, not her husbands. 

At this time, i chose to break brutal truth than white lie of hope. This gonna be a failing procedure, i explained to the husband.

I did the cerclage as she wished. It was a beautiful cerclage. Considering by the length of her cervix, i was probably wrong. Maybe we could save the baby for another months at least, i thought. She made a good call, i thought. Sometimes mother has hunches that helps the doctor too, you know? Its the connection fo the baby maybe, or God voice thru her. I went home, added another prayer to this stranger. 

The next day, i got fajr calling, but not adzan. This mom went into regular contraction, profuse bleeding and turned out the dilation has increased into 6 cm. This beautiful cerclage tore the cervix. And we cant stop the contraction, her leukocyte build up, the antibiotics failed too, the anticontraction failed too. 

All the sources comes to waste. As expected, i thought. I educated her to have vaginal delivery since the head circumference of the baby was not that big. She had a previous cesarean section, we called this CS for short, before. And again, she got this prior knowledge of the danger of vaginal birth after cesarean as we called vbac for short, and she was denying my advice. Again, ngalah. I did try my best to explain the benefits and the risk from both vbac and repeated cs. She chose exactly the opposite of my advice. 

And i did the CS and i repaired the ruptured cervix. All this for delivering this baby of 1000 g. A fighter. And her mom was a fighter too. And there i was wondering if i could be more firm to her. The baby is in NICU still, i hope she made it. But here i am praying for other people i dont know in an upset way or in a cheerful way, forgetting sometimes to forgive myself for not being able to separate my emotional aspect from professional duty. 

Look inside operating theatre

 Oct 15 2024, 1839 hrs

Let me describe the most solemn place in hospital, just in case i run thru my writing again someday, i will remember this place all.over again. 

Operating theatre, i guess this is the place where the wall witness more prayers than any other section in the hospital. Whether it is a 20 minutes surgery or 10 hours, surgery always mixes the same feeling of hope and fear. 

So, before entering operating theatre we changed our outside clothes with operating scrub. They differ scrub for surgeons, residents, nurses. I think because we are obliged to use mask. Maybe the shape of my eyes resembles someone elses. But the scrub emerge a sense of pride to me. I used to be in that color of residents, and now im in different color. The color of the surgeons who appears to be snob and narcisstic, for some.

But operating theatre is also a sacred places for us. Surgeons adjust their operating room to match their level of tranquility. Some wants their room extremely quite, the anesthesiologist needs to turn off their machine alarm as requested. Some will listen to al quran murattal. Some, like me, would go with air supply (its an old band, in case you are a youngster who never heard of air supply), i like mumbling the song, IF the surgery is not a complicated one. If its complicated, i would go with hasbunallah wa nikmal wakiil, or laa illaha illallah wahdahu laa syarikalak.

Today, my 1st period of surgery started at 08.30. i assissted an oncologist to take out tumor which highly suspicious to be a cancer. Its a 4-hour surgery of standing, no water, high workload on concentrating. Because the tinniest bleeding could came from an artery of less than 0.5 mm in diameter, let alone if its a big artery lets say the biggest is the aorta of diameter 3 cm. Or maybe the worst, when so much bleeding, a patient could loss 8600 liter of blood, she actually living from someone elses blood donor. We took out 30 cm ish mass from ovary. 

I love blood. But i dont like a bloody surgery. But my excitement and fear and anxiety increases with the amount of blood i saw in my operating field. Despite of anything i like a successful surgery. How do i define sucessful, when the patient feel like they are getting better after the surgery. Do u think its an obvious indicator?

Some didnt get better with surgery, because the disease was way too advance or the patient is too cranky with post operative pain, as if the surgery only cause more pain to time. Like what?? For real? What i really love is patients who embrace their surgery as a part of their fighting and they are also supporting me with prayers as if i am their ally to the same combat. 

And not only the surgeon, in my op theatre, we have DJ. The superhero who push buttons: phonecall button (most of us are trained to take phonecall even in the middle of shower or pooping and ofcourse we answer call during surgery), and most importantly next button in song playlist. S/he runs around between op room making sure all needle, equipments, knife, scissors allll the things. I really appreciate their presence. 

And instrumentator, a nurse who helps us handling instrument. We would go like,"gunting" terus nyodorin tangan doang. Dia yg ngasi. "Jarum" terus dia ngasih. Kadang kita ga pake ngomong cuma nyodorin tangan spt meminta2, tapi dia udah tau apa yg kita mau. Ah. Best feeling. Althought its harder done than said.

On my 2nd period of surgery, another 2.5 half hour, taking out bilateral messy 20cm ish lengket cyst, this instrumentator said that i pretty much helped his day, because he didnt get yelled so much like he used to when i didnt join the first period surgery. I liked it. Who doesnt like pujian2 dunia yang menyiksa? Thank for him and her too. 

The best part after surgery are: go to the toilet and long rukuk (stretched alllll the muscles from waist down and spine too) and sujud (relaxed the shoulder and cool down the head too). 

But for me to be here as a surgeon is because unlimited support by my husband. Mama papa juga, but mas irsyad was like also helping me ngerjain PR when i was a resident. Droppped me off at hospital at 02.30 am everyday when i was the most junior resident. I left him so many days alone taking care of my kid. He had a way to cool my head while i was having tantrum, yelling, slamming the door when im pressured or depressed or had this passice suicidql thought back then. Scary phase. But he said, we cannot be only like a diamond. We need to be diamond yg loncat2 (thus we can survive in the society). Happy birthday ayah for always being the shoulder i can lean on. 

Should i make this another project?

 Oct 13, 2024. 1622 hrs

The following is the conversation i had a couple days ago with my girlfriend of tens of years.

"My din," she texted me (i like when my closests call me 'my din', it seemed i belonged. Although actually my past boyfriend, now husband, called me 'my din' first).

"Do u know this obgyn?" She mentioned a name of my senior. My perfectionist senior, i had a fond feeling toward her back then. She had (well the obgyn we discussed today is a she) this idealism, a good almost impossibly perfect to implement. But i somewhat found her spirit was inspiring (back then in residency), its hard to match my spirit and hers.

I said, "yeah, she was my senior." 

I expected this would be a shallow over the weekend convo. And it twisted into something more interesting. But this girlfriend i had, what i adore from her is, we dont do gossip everytime we do meet up. If we may proclaimed ourselves, we are the  altruists among other type of med students. In organization, back then ofcourse, now we're mothers (And we believed we are NOT going to be just a mediocre mother), we were the executor, the ones who made idea into reality. 

"Is she have some psychological issues? She's everyone enemy in the OR. She's angry and moody all the time. To nurses, to everyone."

I replied, "loneliness." Judging by number of surgery she had in a day, oh boy. I felt a big hollow in her. Or maybe she did it for money? Idk. I just prayed i dont end up like her. 

My senior then doesnt change much. She did yell from time to time back then. But my friend thou, with the job she got, she has to witness my senior acted out everyday. If you read this and you are a doc, and you almost certainly can guess what my friends job. And if u are not, just text me im gonna explained. 

"I want to neutralize the situation and put some human aspect in her case. So instead blaming we can actually help her (?) Entah kenapa I don't hate her, somehow malah kasian.. Maybe this is her outlet aja for something deep inside her gitu."

And turns out, my senior was kinda irritates a lot of people, and these people kinda in a plan to initiate movement to eliminate my senior. And my friend, with her mortherly instinct wanna plunge herself in. 

She is so my kind of people. We go extra miles. And i like the thrill. I replied, "We vibe the same, i would do the same. Do you want me to get in touch with her?"

I guess its up to me. 

Ps. Im still reconsidering should i published my no longer human pt 3. Because its a lot at stake for both parties. Im afraid of the consequences and my own emotional well being. 

No longer human pt. 2

 Oct 12, 2024. 0554 hrs

Shall we continue? These are some context before we got into my sense of emergency.

The main character in the book, Yozo, was a part of a big wealthy family. The youngest of 10. And he had zero interest in anything. One day his dad had to do a faraway business trip and asked each of his kids what kind of present they wanted for after trip.

Yozo, stood in silence, he didnt want anything. But that made his dad furious for taking too long to think of which present yozo wanted. His dad said, "How about a lion mask?" 

And Yozo write it down in and included it in the list of presents written by the 10 of his sibling, 'lion mask.' Something that he didnt want, he didnt feel any desire toward. Yet he complied. He didnt want to piss anyone. And he grew just like that.

He had this emptiness of not wanting anything. He acknowledged himself as a person who never got hungry, yet people force him to eat. And he ate the food out of respect. But inside he felt and all the courtesy in society made him anxious. 

Yozo was the class clown in schools, he made joke out of himself, people would laugh, but deep inside its not a joke, its a cry for help by telling others what he underwent in such a manner people think it is a joke. That was not a joke. Yozo was a charm, but he admitted, he fooled anyone. 

Never had any plan for his future. In the story, when he survived a suicidal attempt, he lived with his uncle who asked,"what is it do you want in life?," let alone clarify how to make money. He wanted to be an manga artist. A painter. And he did well, out of his negativity he did well, at least he could provide alcohol and cigarettes for himself.

He was attractive to women. A lof of girls fell for him. But that only buzzing mosquitos for him. He wanted them to go away, but he always treated them with respect. 

He found warmth in older women most of the time. he tried to couple suicide with Women he fell into. Leaving him all alone. 2 girlfriends had been successfully died in their attempts. He survived only expand the emptiness.

How he viewed women? He didnt like company. He didnt like being responsible for other human being. He would go for one night stand instead when he didnt have to caress anyone. All the women he went for one night stand he described as idiot. A very hatred way to choose the word idiot, i would say. 

But in the end, he decided to marry young lady, who put all her belief in him, took him for what he is. Altough most of time he covered himself so the wife didnt see the real him. But then the convo between them got cold, she didnt enjoy much of his company n vice versa. One word i can remember right now, he described his role as a husband as, an errand-runner. Duh kesian bgt. I felt pity on him. He missed so much. 

And he decided to leave his wife and daughter for their sake. He didnt want to interfere their happiness. Padahal maybe he is a part of their happiness, but he is too clouded ya ga sih? Im trying to be positive of his presence. Idk how the wife really feels, osamu didnt describe. but yozo was gone, the book didnt mention whether he killed himself, or just gone. The wife handed yozo's diary to the writer (ceritanya) and the writer made this book out of yozos notebook.

Segini dulu..

No longer human pt 1

 Oct 11, 2024. 1639 hrs

At RS Tebet parking lot. I have time until 5, im gonna put aside my laziness and write instead (i sometime sleep in the car waiting for my policlinic turn if im super tired). But now, i think this is an emergency.

As i mentioned in my yesterday post, i bought Osamu Dazai's "No Longer Human." Im not gonna sum up the book for making a book review. Im gonna corellate how this story affect or somewhat related to my recent stumble upon a friend. An imitation of sahabat pena, maybe. 

I read books since i was 4th grader in elementary school. Say it, enid blyton, malory towers, goosebumps, comic books ofcourse, conan, kungfu boy, etc. Its so addictive, thus one time i made my dad drove up the wallbecause he told me to put away my book from dining table (we were eating together) and i didnt listen. He tore the book apart and locked me inside my room. Is it an overshare? Mmm i dont think so, its just a story that came up. I dont resent that day, kids are always acting out. 

Wait, am i gonna rewind that much further?

Yeah, i think its okay.

And detective conan got pimped into agatha christie. At this point, i learned the way she wrote how observant poirot was. She would say something like, a pen ink in his left hand implies that he is a lefty writing from left to right. For example dirts in her shoes might suggest she passed by certain road where a construction site is going on, how she pays attention to callus, wound, teeth, smell, outfit, gesture.

So i paid so much attention to details. That doesnt mean im a perfectionist with my homework, its just observing a stranger who sit across the table can be so fascinating to me. Wild guesses and i like it when it turns out correct. 

Okay enough about myself. Its time for the emergency. 

But im gonna continue after policlinic. Wait, after policlinic, im gonna drive home, pack my suitcase for weekend in Bandung. We'll see how urgent is my emergency in blogspot setting.