self-trust is not magically handover.

march 25. 1626

"trust is earned, it is not magically handover,"
the phase is commonly said among friends, yang kebetulan jadi status bbmnya chendol dan dulu pernah jadi bahasan bareng fulki.

bedanya dengan menjadi manusia dengan knowledge of healing power, a.k.a doctors, trust IS actually magically handover. 


anak perempuan usia 6 bulan datang dengan penurunan kesadaran. si ibu is handing over the trust from herself to the doctors (more than just in magical way). kepercayaan seperti itu bukan hanya diserahkan secara ajaib dan instant tapi dengan kesadaran penuh.

but, does the doctor trust him/herself magically? kayanya sih engga. to me, my own self-trust is not magically presence within me. i earned it, i practiced it to be discovered. udah maksimalkah my self-trust? belum. i am on my way. but at least, i passed the phase of self-doubting and now looking forward to an optimal and logical self-trust to be actually there inside me.

good God, i worry too much. mmm, i dont wanna underestimate myself by saying i'm a chicken. i worry too much, i worry that i did was misplaced, or simply wrong.

day 1 jaga igd. the trust to nasogastric-tubing was magically handed over to me dari seorang residen #1. me had seen a few times on youtube the procedure in real human, only once in the real hospital. and all of the sudden, i gotta do it with my groupmate supervising me. the guy IS my group mate, has 3,5 years studying medicine LIKE me, but he has way more guts. he did NGT twice already, me none, at the time. i had no self-trust in NGT-ing. the trust just werent there when i need it.

i NGT-ed this bronchopneumonia-ed patient (different patient with the above subject), i stucked. i just couldnt pass the tube through the nasal. nice God though, the resident#1 who tried after me also failed. so, may be other variables other than my lack of self-confidence, determined the failed procedure.

day 2 jaga igd. now, the trust was earned. resident#2 teached me how to NGT, he supervised me when i tried my first, though i failed, he FIRM-ly correcting all the faults, then i earned my confidence, lastly, i did ngt and ogt already. i earned the responsibility.

kata residen#2 kurang lebih, 'emang ada yang keberaniannya dari awal udah gede, bahkan walaupun salah, tetep aja berani. ada yang keberaniannya mesti dimunculin. kapan munculnya? ya selama practice. latian terus, lama kelamaan kepercayaan diri bakal makin gede.'

jadi ya... seperti itu, lucky them has bigger guts in facing challenges, but lucky me has and is still trying to undestand that from life we still gotta and need to learn.

fiuh.