Sad puzzle and joyful puzzle

 Aug 28, 2023. 2258 hrs

I ended up my yesterday by arranging food for my son's birthday in his class. He had never celebrated his bday in class. I didnt think that celebrating bday in class would be so necessary. But my husband believed otherwise. 

I decided to drive my son to school and we discussed about things. I realized that there has been so much time i spent not to be with him. Either school, hospital, and most of the time, cellphone. But i sucessfully treasured the moment. God has answered my prayer, i can drive my son to school has been my objective since residency. 

That was a fun drive until i noticed sakha didnt wear the pramuka tie. I almost snapped, but i controlled myself by asking, "dont you get punished if u dont use the tie?"

And he said, no. Well, how much changes in the system nowadays. Back then i would be standing in forn of the class if i missed one of my property. 

I dropped him off and he made sure he had not forgotten our goodbye kiss. Indeed i raised him right with this level of affection he showed to me. And i prayed him ayat kursi. And i left.

Hospital has been crazy. Meetings, emergency room, policlinics, late afternoon meeting, and wrapped up by emergency cesarean. I planned to go home fast. I didnt expect the surgery has to be today. Why the patient come today. Why not yesterday or tomorrow? Why does she have to be there in my son bday exactly. 

Weary by all the sad puzzles, i came home only to accompany him to brush his teeth. My husband was already asleep. I have missed so much in a day. 

But then i believed that the day i had today, just a little piece of bigger puzzle. Today i had a dark color puzzle with a little white and pink and other nice color i might forget to be thankful of. And everyday, i just followed my heart to out one step after another to embrace whatever mystery. 

I am afraid if i resist what my heart say, i might not have such a long time, and i may not live my fullest. 

And my big joyful puzzle is i am a mom of a handsome 9 yesr old boy who still eager to kiss me goodbye. I am so blessed.

Next patient, please!

Aug 27, 2024. 07.40

"Why are you so nice to me, doc?"

"its not that im being nice to you. im being nice because u have depression."

sometimes people just dont understand that doctors go extra miles because we function that way. our surrounding raised us being completely aware of warning signs. its our nature to suspect the worst of a scenario until it is proven otherwise. 

i realized people are now loosing their time in screen trying to be loud of what they are doing. they seek much attention to an illusion. their instagram, whatever account they might have release the dopamine so much they got aroused by likes and hearts or comments. 

see now as a doctor i have treated so many patients that in fact i lost to count how many, thousands? i cant remember their names to be honest. i have encountered people lying, i can sense people hiding behind their happy mask only to find out they are in a greater burden. these people worth my time. i even asked my patients, " did u poop today?", i wiped their poop, some other time i took a shower bcs people cant control their pee.. so dont get me wrong when i even try to put people in the kitchen to share wisdom.

some people are just raised in a different games. some parents crystalize the value of being a straight A student. some parents let their kid go explore and learn from the nature instead. this is where the depression intercept. they are putting so much expectation in life trying to play the same game, while naturally they are not born to be the player yet people expect them to play the same game. 

people try to fit in to society so bad they loose themselves. i lost myself to when thriving to finish school. some people dont get it, they would say, i want to live my life to the fullest. and then, we will back to square one, how do u define living life to the fullest?

your way to live to your fullest might be completely insane and unthinkable and i would say that doesnt fit me. 

i met this guy who are extremely proud of his paddling activity, i just cant comprehend. especially to myself whos eyesight only effective within 20 cm. its the same way my husband cannot comprehend situation in operating theatre. its the same way with the only child who never learn to please anyone has lost so much due to the incapability to serve other people. thats where we dont have to meet people's expectation.  yet some people struggles to let go. some people doesnt have the need for having other people. and that is permissible. that is the dynamic of a society. you dont have to fit in, let yourself be just another color. 

Just stop trying to be a right-handed if you are a lefty.

Intercept

 No date. Because i wish this imply the summary of my lifetime lesson.

Every being i intercept, they will give lesson to learn, whether its the good or heartbreaking. 

And Allah The Most Merciful will let us for our own either to get up and restart or to surrender. 

Everyday i will look around to look for little sparkling the universe provides. Surprisingly enchanting. 

Bener2 Allah Maha Baik. He undestand and provides me. Among all darkness and finally put the sunrise. Sunrise is not gonna be there for long. So I obliged to enjoy it, absorb the meaning of beautiful amount of ray. And then it passes.

Too much ray blinds you.

But no ray makes you gloomy

Highway to heaven

 

Aug 12, 1730 hrs. 

Kematian itu selalu berat. Tapi seandainya mereka tahu dengan siapa mereka akan bertemu di surga, maka mereka akan mempersiapkannya.

We did everything, she came to our ER just too late. Lost of conciousness, no more bleeding, because theres no blood left in her system, no pulse, barely a heartbeat. Dari mana berdarahnyaaa. I need to search. Paling engga, pas kantong darah transfusi datang, itu sumber darahnya udah ga bolong. She might live.

Dr. Apang (my fellow anesthesiologist)  which happened to deserve a post in my blog, did the resuscitation. She died and she came back! Good Lord and to operating theatre we went. With so much hope and idealism. And we pray. 

The obgyns finished the job in the OR while anesthesiologists fighting over RJP. Countless cycle of RJP, no one kept tracks. We just believe she would come back like she just did. 

But she didnt. I guess the angel provides a highway to heaven. Tanpa hisab. Langsung surga. 

Al Fatihah.

 

Dear Madina,

Madina, 29 DzulHijjah 1445 H

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection.
I choose to love you in loneliness, for in loneliness no one owns you but me.
I choose to adore you from a distance, for distance will shield me from pain.
I chose to kiss you in the wind, for the wind is gentler than my lips.
I choose to hold you in my dreams, for in my dreams you have no end.

- Jalaladdin muhammad rumi has the closest resemblence. The exact representation of the most beautiful slice of memory. 

Stiff Hands

 Sept 28, 2022.

I finally get my first 2 surgeries after 9 months paused from operating theatre. i have finished all the paper work and all i can do is to sit and make myself useful other than in operating theatre. 

my hands become numbs, i cannot sense my positioning, where i feel most secure to stand. it was only cesarean section. theres no such thing as only that case, only this case. every case is scary, its a bloody work. 

i was just jump into the swimming pool, in my brothers neighborhood, i have promised my son that i would accompany him to swim that day. but one of my colleague called and he couldnt attend the surgery of his patient. he asked whether i could replace. it was my second surgery after so many months i feel numb, missing the OT. without thinking twice, i asked permission to my husband, then to my boy. i was sorry that i 3 hours away from them when i actually promised them swimming.  but, i need that surgery, for my own peace.

done with donning up, i stood on the right hand side of the patient. i didnt feel awkward, because all the situation is awkward. something felt not right but i couldnt address what. the baby was okay, the surgery was okay. and i recalled :

1. i stood in the wrong handside. its not haraam, its just i wasnt used to it

2. i didnt exteriorate the uterus. its not haraam, its even better, but i used to avoid stitching the uterus inside the abdomen, i prefered to take it out first.

3. tanganku ya kaku aja. gimana dong. i need to learn morrreee. 

but by the rule, i cannot supervised a patient yet. due to permission to practice has not been issued yet. 

in the meantime i have been completely desperate to go to surgery, i read this book by Yasmin Mogahed, she described Sabar in a very implementable way:

1. when Allah has commanded something, sabar means persevering in carrying out that action

2. when Allah has forbidden something, sabar means restraining youself against it

3. when Allah has decreed something and we cannot change it, sabar means acceptance without resentment. 

May Allah blessed us and avoid us from wrongdoing. May Allah suffice us. May we can avoid resentment.. 

Impassive

 April 11 2022. 

First post in 2022 i guess. Blogging now i think are more like youngsters instead of for a 33 years old working mother. But i always like the romance of writing..

This is my first written point of view as an obstetrician and gynecologist (uh finally). Do i feel extremely happy passing all of those classess? No. Not extremely happy, but happy and grateful in the modest way realizing i am leaving the most convenient and advance place, the most ultimate hospital. 

Now, i will treat patient with what i got, probably no MRI, probably no color doppler, probably no cystoscopy  probably no hysteroscopy nor laparoscopy. The beautiful theory of ideal treatment will be now limited and only rely on how sharp my knowledge amd intuition.. no more asking dr kemal or dr seno. No more asking for a hand from dr herbert. 

Am i scared? Actually never. Knowing that Allah has all the plan and me only His puppets ofcourse with the brain and the hand. They said it will be time when i lose patient, there will be time i lose my patience, there will be time realizing that i need improvement.

There will be open doors and there will be closed door. There will be maze and uncertainty, ups and downs, high and lows. 

In time of anticipation, i am glad that i have my husband and parents, the place where i belong. I have my kid to kid me all the time. I am not alone in the jungle i have never been into. All of my friends will be in the same phase with different story. I have so much unspoken interconnection with one another. It seemed like i dont have to tell a word, they will understamd anyway.

Many surgeons will be missed. Many moments will be worth to tell. Such an unforgettable 4.5 years experience.

the BEST surgery with the BEST gyne-oncologist

 

29/9/2021

 

this has been the BEST surgery ever.

at first we started with slow music. but the disease says no. 

with 5000 cc hemorrhage. not a good thing, but its inevitable.

low BP with vascon, but its all under control.

after things slowed down we turn off the light. only operating light source on.

techno music.

 

this is dr. Tri. He is like Mr. Galvas. 

 

ga bisa sih, i am so attracted to operating theatre.

i am so in love. 

i thought this is only a cinta monyet. but i realized, i love operating theatre since i knew it.

i remember how gracefully PPDS Bedah di RSHS  mengibarkan duk sebelum operasi. start from there.

then kamar operasi di Sentot Patrol entah kenapa among others, i like to stay for hours. doing whatever they need me to do.

setelah itu, after my head is clear from outside negative vibes, i discover that i love everyday of it. and i always feel the romance and start writing.

and this teacher in front of me, is the model i look for after all these years struggling with PPDSlyfe.

i adore this person as a surgeon. too bad i didnt get enough chance to know him better personally.

see you again at your best health, Dok, thank you for all the lessons. 

we will keep you in our prayers.

dr. Tri deserves a post

"Attractive people are the big winners of the natural selection. They tend to enjoy better success in find mates, earn more money, and get better jobs."

but, some take it shallow. like me i take it shallow. i like beautiful people, the appearance. 

 

but that doesnt apply in operating theatre. 

it seemed we dont really care how you look since we scrub in and put our mask on al the time. i can see smiley eyes, or people banter and joking around, or whistling their favorite song.

all we know, are we clumsy? do we cut meticulously? did we succeed to stop the bleeding? do we make enough preparation before knife?

its now my romance. the operating theatre vibes in and the beating of the monitor energizes me  somehow. a feeling that i cannot express. i didnt get it when i swim through amniotic fluid seeing the baby by ultrasound.

and this dr. Tri, the calmest, the most controlling operator i have ever met. full of strategy and down to earth. less talk, perform more, very charismatic. he showed me how to act in operating table to be a surgeon, not only an obgyn. no wasted movement. 

he is small in talk, little correction he ever mentioned, works at any convenience. but i wish i did good in assisting.

 

 

Bloody Uterine Rupture and Bloody OT Work.

 

No one judge the decision of a surgeon. 

No one understand the situation other than the operator behind the wheel. 

 thats the story of one fine day

 

another story of percreta placentae.

5300 cc, BP dropped to 37/17 mmHg. Bladder was dissected wide open, just to stop the blood fountain.

Kocher forceps and any other instruments just didnt work to stop heavily bleeding. 

we used our own pinch. 

 

its more heavy than menstruation day 1. 

the mom and baby were healthy now. plan to be discharged with 2 weeks bladder catheter. 

i like i enjoy i am fortunate to choose this field.

i feel energized.