forecast

I dont care what day is today. To me there is no longer any diffefence between day or night, friday or monday. What matter is when my baby cries.

I forecast my future me. In psychiatric ward, trying to have more baby and wishing i would have the chance to die within 40 days after the delivery. I would love to die, only to test which one of my 'loved ones' will cry at my funeral. To have shortcut to heaven, without worrying about my babies. His dad certainly will take care of the kids. He seemed to be a good man.

I barely see the good in my days, i might be the evil wife, mother, daughter. hell is what scared my and suited my behavious, although a small part of me still wanting an ideal result of dunya exam, jannah. Thats how my husband say it, we will be together in jannah.
Jannah? Jannah is like Paris, while im living just aside of railroad when i cannot afford to buy any carbs. Its unreachable.

God provides what we forecast about what God will provide. They said, Allah is the Ghofur, the Ghofar, who forgives, and forgives repeatedly. I just want my missing piece, my missing peace.

I am tired of upsetting my family. Tired of being a jerk.

25 and pregnant.

Feb 27, 2015. 0941

Married to an undoubtedly loving and caring husband, having his 15 week olbaby wanna be :)


Trying my best to let only positive energy delivered to the baby fetus.

Despite of on going and on-list of devastating annoyance, degrading, negative circumstances i've been living.

 i need to pray, i need to pray so i can go back to Allah who once introduced me to  the beauty of patience and gratitude.

Tidak bertuhan

Jul 19, 14.

Ketika fungsi luhur gagal, tidak ada syukur, dan tidak waras. Tanda manusia mulai kehilangan tuhannya. Deteriorasi.

Itu mungkin saya.

Katanya tuhan memberi ampunan. Mungkin ke saya juga. Gracias a dios.

Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

Sugardrunk

June 29, 2014. 2335

Can't sleep. Too much sugar from cesarean sections, curettage, and craniotomy.

The pace, the blood. Its... epic. Heroic. Dignified.

Too bad if I awarely waste the chances to pursue intellegence. Less sleep, more courage to break the habits.

Low profile, I'm there to learn. Not to prove.

May the 'hang over' stays. Dear soul, don't let me step on my own tounge. Dear Allah, thanks for the proof, guide me guide me, broaden my guts so I can act. Do not let me linger on words only.

Berkah Ramadhan :)

May Allah bless dr. Sis, Sp.OG, dr. Eka, Sp.BS, and ofcourse, the generous minded mas fajri.
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

Chessy moodbooster :)

Ini kok bisa-bisanya ya.. \(^♥^)/

A breeze on sunny day in panturaa

GR

100614 1919

Kegeeran is not about failure after putting your hopes up. Its about enjoying the possibilities.

Its one cure of boredom.

Hello goodbye

June 3, 2014 hrs

Meet rizki. Anak umur 6 th, ganteng, putih, terpelajar. Beda ama pasien2 lainnya yg biasanya kulitnya cokelat, rambutnya merah ditempa matahari indramayu.

Berhasil making good relationship with him. Berhasil bikin dia making promise not to makan sembarangan, minum yg manis2 n ga sehat lagi kalo nanti udah sembuh. Pinky promise.

Berhasil conviced the family to have the bravery to decide that the baby should be operated today. Cito. Emergency. diffuse peritonitis ec susp appendicitis perforasi. instead of having 5 hrs driving with that life threatening condition to have surgery di santosa, bandung.

Passed away 4 hours after the laparotomy.

Even i cant let go.

Semoga senang ya rizki disana.. semoga ayah ibumu diberi kesabaran.

Declaration of death

May 31, 1915 hrs.

#1
I was supposed to be thrilled, empathic, nervous. For my first, declaring, breaking bad news to the family didnt make me agitated.

#2
I told one patient about he has a possibility of having hiv/aids. Between telling brutal truth or hope, i chose brutal truth.

Cara melembutkan hati adalah shalat malam. Its been....
May Allah forgive

11/12

May 29, 2014

Ngeliat edisi embracing buton-nya fulki, i run out of my fingers if mind wont stop do life mathematical comparison.

Its my year and thats fulkis year.

Di tengah sahara indramayu kaya gini, gw lebih closely in touch with trucks n buses while fulki with her ocean yacht (lebay sih kalo dibilang yacht, tp di mata gw yg penuh jealousy, all those trips seemed heavenly joyful, as in trip with a yacht).

Okay. okay, lets list up targets:
1. Invitations. Dengan jarak sgini, one thing i can be helpful adalah dengan nyicil nama teman2 dan alamat mereka. Biar ga repot di akhir for the upcoming event.
2. Beli timbangan. No need to mention, but ofcourse i have target! *yosh
3. Be supportive ke mas irsyad. He's been dealing with parents, work, parents again, jakarta-bandung. So i need to reduce ego and all the whinings. -_-. I had been a good selfishless, haha, used to be.
4. Nonton bioskop di cirebon, culinary di indramayu, minum es kelapa di laut, naik kapal di laut jawa, ke pulau biawak, so far thats all i can think of.
5. Ikut operasi dokter eka lagi :")
6. Jd asisten 1 op sc.
7. Khatam al quran sebelum akad.
8. Hafal arrahman.
9. Pake sunblock tiap hari! Jgn malas!
10. Dont take life too seriouslylah. Dont forget to enjoy.

I put aside idealism for a while ya. I wanna blog to relax.

i am 25 and engaged.

May 29, 2014

It feels like series of good stories written for me.

I dont wanna write about him because i expect to understand beyond words. I wanna write along with him. to fill each other's blanks. To construct the most optimal out of us. Doubling, multiplying the power to create what is greater than oneself can conduct.

May Allah ease us, may Allah permit us to proceed.

May we never losing ourselves in the process of loving.