June 25th, 2021
kenapa rasanya jatuh cinta itu sangat menyenangkan
itu aja
one must survive modesty, since luxury is not forever.
May 11th, 2021 0242 hrs
kemarin ulang tahun ke 32, a big number as i was imagining the deaths of member in certain circle in the past few weeks.
- kak diar, the person in charge in my sending with AFS programme
- kak ricky, kakak AFS yang home visit rumah gw back in 2005 or 06 right before my placement while mama still fighting cancer
- a colleague in internal medicine, somehow related karena istrinya way back was teman SMP, PPDS anak..
- icha, adik AFS yang once i remember her very well because she gave the the last candy of "your favorite person in AFS" due to cancer
the lifepath i took in recognizing God was mistaken in the last 4 years. i gave up my ngaji, my shalat sunnah, barely make my 5 time salat on time, missed a handful of them, always put other thing first than my salat, seeing ramadhan as an excuse of my procrastination. Look what i am now, exactly the person i didnt wanna be when i was in my 20s.
the feeling was faded and vanished, my husband said the habit was just been buried somewhere by my current routine. what routine? my routine was supposed to support my iman, not to neglect it. and now to force it, to feel it, to love it again could take a lifetime. God forbid, if its only a phrase not an action.
i am now more associated with brands not the function, more associated with looks even its uncomfy, more associated with gossips than deep comforting inspiring talks.
there are times that one eyeshadow palatte is not enough, pairs of good shoes is not stylish enough, functional glasses is boring, brand new phone but needs newer, bunch of unused bags, unused clothes, more jilbab, but not fixing myself from the inside. i started to feel crave on clothes, cakes, fancy restaurants, which i basically dont need. judging people from pictures of hampers they shared in instagram. how shallow immature dinda.
but fortunately i feel complete today, thanking God and his universe giving me some more time with
- a very supporting husband, who drove me back and forth to hospital, waking me up for salat and homework, ready anytime to take care of my kid other than brushing sakhas teeth before bed (unless im in my might shift)
- a healthy energetic thoughtful romantic talkative 5 years old boy. who often tease me like an adult
- my healthy parents, who are emotionally supportive and very considered
- a big messy house with cars i can use
- food i want to eat at anytime
- a covid survivor, now on symbicort but still better than asthma attack
- a surgeon, i always love to be a surgeon, i love operating theatre, it feels like a real theatre and God is there watching
- small circle of real friends, benevolent relationships.
Humble is always the key, kata teh mooi. one must survive modesty, since luxury is not forever.
dont worry, katanya Tuhan Maha Memaafkan..
responsibility
re·spon·si·bil·i·ty
/rəˌspänsəˈbilədē/
Astate or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.
I was once learned that trust is not easily handed over. But here, in my galaxy, by becoming a surgeon, the family of the patient, voluntarily giving you the freedom to do things over their sacred body.
Doctors are smart, but doctors are not gifted. They are not born with it. Is laying doctor requires only knowledge? No, they need attitude. I believe attitude is a building inside established brick by brick within you. Your character, your parents and surrounding manifestation.
Crazy world out there try to shape your thinking and your principle. But its your responsibility to stay humble and kind as you expect yourself to become.
Cruel world out there wants the easiest, you want to choose the right one.
quarantine blurt out day 11
do i really have someone to talk to?
noone will understand if they dont walk in my shoes. shoes that fits in a mother role, a wife role, a ppds, a girlfriend. i used to have all the chemistry and the romance of being myself. it seemed like the charm has disappeared.
beauty is not going to be forever, being inspiring and fun for others who matters. it seemed i am not longing to anywhere.
the husband is more to work, family man, compared to himself back when we were young. he has me and his son to take care of. its like the romance now becoming obligation.
the friends are we are not in the same phase again. i cannot think of anyone would understand me completely. other people are just having their own problem. arent they?
i had this one friend. who keeps coming on my dreams. almost 8 years ago, we decided to not contact each other. 15 year ago, i was almost certain that he understood me completely. anywhere, anytime, i just felt that he got the time for me. i somehow pray that one day we can bump into eachother, updating of how has life been treating us.
becoming a married woman, i find it hard to open up and be free in telling what i really feel. its just too many hearts i need to win and everything become so fragile.
the sparks are faded away now. its like having a piece of clock that has been broken and it cannot be replaced. the time took it and i cannot get it back.
most of the time hospital keeps me busy, away from this kind of feeling. it makes me numb somehow. and when i got the time to reflect for myself, it found this huge emptiness.
what can i conclude from life that passes me by so quickly? what i really searched for? i am happy of what i have right now, but its like a piece of me missing.
should i embrace this empty feeling and try to get it back? or do i need to fill it with something new? how am i supposed to react to this?
not so long after this, i am sure i will get back to my routines, taking care of patients, juniors, friends, husband and son. and instantly i will be occupied, i will not reflect, i will be busy. but the same empty feeling will just persist there, irreplaceable and forgotten.
now. to whom i will share this writing?
He is not the same man..
Karawang, Jan 22 2021 1157 hrs
we had this idealism back than when we were young to make the world a better place, to make the best out of ourselves.
we dived in in the same river led to the same ending, supposedly.
yet the wave wasnt that smooth, wasnt that predictable, they kicked us ashore, pushing us gracefully or reluctantly to walk, when we barely know how to. we just had to.
as its nature, man just obliged to put one foot after another forecasting which trail to hang on, which path worth the sweat. indeed they had no idea.
as we outgrown our outfits and went back to see we had so much now, both the pleasure and the responsibility. the idealism changed, the boat has anchored to the harbor.
"No man ever cross the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he's not the same man"
dr. seno deserves a post
by empowering, appreciating, and trusting, students gained self-confidence in making decision.
isnt it why we study at the first place? to produce obgyn that can make right decision.
and isnt it why teachers teach at the first place? to be the one we ask in times of trouble?
they know better, they do so much more than us.
corona virus wisdom
april 16, 2020
its been a month this pandemic set our new normal. to me, i wonder why God care enough to spread this exam, frigthening most of human being on earth who has the capability to understand how massively contagious this virus, especially for us, the health workers.
then finally come the time i can actually embrace the presence of this shortcoming.
1) this is the test for us, doctors, nurses, paramedics to actually be in our patients shoe. then from now on, we will not treat our patients like ass anymore, wont we? hows the feeling of being positive covid, without having symptoms and people will judge you right away. how about people with cancer? the only symptom they had was cough. and we said it was lung cancer. they feel their life was terminated. and for once, God remind us by this
2) i have plenty of day off. it is out of imagination that i will have more the 2 days 24 hours stay at home, watching TV and put my boy to bed acting like a mother (ofcourse i maintain distance) but hey, who would have the blessed to stay at home like this as resident? but then i remember that even though i have my quality time, i did not use it to rebuild my broken prayers to God. i did not read my Quran, i did not my time for my Dhuha, i postpone prayers til i feel guilty myself. this is the time God give me a test to see whether i seek Him in this crisis. Astagfirullah.
3) we wouldnt take teacher for granted. we parents, sometime give all those effort in teaching to teachers. forgetting us also the real teacher. Sakha would have a good handwriting due to practicing WITH me. i shouldve spend more time teaching him. especially when i sometimes imagining that life would be abruptly ended just like that.
4) marriage would be tough when both doesnt have time alone. but realizing that we are both at home, but we couldnt meet just because i was finishing shift in hospital was like pain in the ass. imagining that all these time i have spent in hospital could be the time my husband to rest, but now, he has two babies to take care of, could be tiring and annoying at the same time. still, i cannot live like this anymore. i shouldve done something else other than realizing that my husband is not for me all the time, he has to work, he has kid to feed, he has baby boy wanting to play ball and bicycling. after all these years, i thought my husband was all for me, in fact, my husband was there late at night after i arrived home, and before i leave for hospital. now that i have plenty of time alone, i become more egoistical selfish monster, imagining this might be the only time i can spend with my husband. will there be any second chance? will there be any future?
shut up.
its been a month this pandemic set our new normal. to me, i wonder why God care enough to spread this exam, frigthening most of human being on earth who has the capability to understand how massively contagious this virus, especially for us, the health workers.
then finally come the time i can actually embrace the presence of this shortcoming.
1) this is the test for us, doctors, nurses, paramedics to actually be in our patients shoe. then from now on, we will not treat our patients like ass anymore, wont we? hows the feeling of being positive covid, without having symptoms and people will judge you right away. how about people with cancer? the only symptom they had was cough. and we said it was lung cancer. they feel their life was terminated. and for once, God remind us by this
2) i have plenty of day off. it is out of imagination that i will have more the 2 days 24 hours stay at home, watching TV and put my boy to bed acting like a mother (ofcourse i maintain distance) but hey, who would have the blessed to stay at home like this as resident? but then i remember that even though i have my quality time, i did not use it to rebuild my broken prayers to God. i did not read my Quran, i did not my time for my Dhuha, i postpone prayers til i feel guilty myself. this is the time God give me a test to see whether i seek Him in this crisis. Astagfirullah.
3) we wouldnt take teacher for granted. we parents, sometime give all those effort in teaching to teachers. forgetting us also the real teacher. Sakha would have a good handwriting due to practicing WITH me. i shouldve spend more time teaching him. especially when i sometimes imagining that life would be abruptly ended just like that.
4) marriage would be tough when both doesnt have time alone. but realizing that we are both at home, but we couldnt meet just because i was finishing shift in hospital was like pain in the ass. imagining that all these time i have spent in hospital could be the time my husband to rest, but now, he has two babies to take care of, could be tiring and annoying at the same time. still, i cannot live like this anymore. i shouldve done something else other than realizing that my husband is not for me all the time, he has to work, he has kid to feed, he has baby boy wanting to play ball and bicycling. after all these years, i thought my husband was all for me, in fact, my husband was there late at night after i arrived home, and before i leave for hospital. now that i have plenty of time alone, i become more egoistical selfish monster, imagining this might be the only time i can spend with my husband. will there be any second chance? will there be any future?
shut up.
i have no where to post this
Try to see all these in real life, and a good example on one of that is your own self.
- When a person laugh too much even on stupid things, that person is sad deep inside.
When a person sleeps a lot, that person is lonely.When a person talk less, or he/she talks fast, that person keeps secrets.When a person can’t cry, that person is weak.- When a person eats in abnormal way, that person is is tension.
- When a person cry on little things, that person is innocent and soft-hearted.
- When a person gets angry on silly things, that person is in love.
i was so stupid for letting you go
tangerang set my mood like rollercoaster
it has the ups and downs
some feelings cannot be freely written and better to be left unsaid
much appreciation cannot be expressed
some emotions was kept silent
this month was complicated
i miss my husband and sakha but i cannot hug
i love some conditions but i cannot tell
i felt i wanted to be understood, but chose not to explain
i have desire to some actions, but i cannot ask for it
i have love to share and i abandoned iti have forgiven but i did not show
but definitely there are lesson to learned.
and i will keep them in prayer.
a story-telling
Altruist, they said
or is it foolish?
oh well, what to sorrow
it is only a soul you borrow
what are we battling?
this all along was just a story telling
go grief
so we appreciate life we were once lived
we are just now longing for beautiful illusion of the past
ruining the present
worrying the future
what for, is what they have been saying
this is only a story-telling
or is it foolish?
oh well, what to sorrow
it is only a soul you borrow
what are we battling?
this all along was just a story telling
go grief
so we appreciate life we were once lived
we are just now longing for beautiful illusion of the past
ruining the present
worrying the future
what for, is what they have been saying
this is only a story-telling
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