permutation

august 26. 12.40.

besok gw ujian jam 8. dan i cant keep my head straight to williams, karena isinya tulisan semua. beberapa gambar, tapi those dont interest me. gw pengen nulis blog. UDAH lama BANGET. man, what kinda life without blogging. again, kalo gw amnesia, sekian minggu kebelakang would be a total lost. hope i remember all the past, take lessons, and move on.

from my favorite dictionary, permutation: n. each of several possible arrangements of a number of things.

recently life has been showing me some possible arrangements. putting every plan into a gamble. selalu harus ada yang dikorbankan. although reluctantly.

gw suka bgt frase "possible arrangement": pengaturan yang mungkin bisa exist.

we do this everyday in our daily routine:
kalo gw bangun jam segini, gw bisa thumbprinting jam segini, abis itu gw beli sarapan, masuk jam sekian, setelah itu gw bisa curi2 tidur stgh jam lets say, and dadadada

atau, gw bisa thumbprint sekarang, terus gw pulang ke kosan, balik jam 7, ga usah mandilah, semua org juga tau gw abis jaga (misalnya, haha), beli sarapan nanti nitip si ini, abis morning report gw bisa ngeberesin tugas lalalala

atau rencana yg ini, ina, itu.

but then. sesuai rencanakah? kalo di rumah sakit dan kehidupan gw sebagai koas, jawabannya engga. beda mungkin kalo gw kerja di kantoran, di perusahaan surat kabar, ato mungkin di shipping line maenan kargo, mungkin all my plan HAS to be EXACTLY like i wrote down. tapi ini engggaaa *dengan nada pasrah.

dan semakin gw nyelem ke dalem mikirin segala kemungkinan yang ada, semakin blur gambaran target yang gw rencanakan. makin sarat gamble. termasuk apa? termasuk planning the future.

bahasan baru, and why future do seem get closer and unkind?
like world wont give hungry hearts something to eat, like time will run too fast for me watching my kids grow,   and everything will change in a wink, on snaps.

ini sebenernya fase apaan sih. kok kayanya semacam overwhelm gitu.

ngeliat tweetnya teh mooi, "dont worry, you will know what to do when the time comes."
ini beda bgt ama mani,"when i see the bridge, i need to already understood what im going to do when i make across the bridge."

dua-duanya sounds true and ideal. yet, both doesnt fit me. myee.

next topic.
a lot going on within in the past few weeks. which i will not frontally share. cukup doakan yang terbaik. since life is a gamble. only heaven knows.

i remember that i once said that God doesnt give answer, yet He gives choices. and now, right now, i hope God command me what to do, instead of me getting myself lost within choices. kata kang dani, jaga hati, buka pikiran.

this will over, dind.