Stiff Hands

 Sept 28, 2022.


I finally get my first 2 surgeries after 9 months paused from operating theatre. i have finished all the paper work and all i can do is to sit and make myself useful other than in operating theatre. 

my hands become numbs, i cannot sense my positioning, where i feel most secure to stand. it was only cesarean section. theres no such thing as only that case, only this case. every case is scary, its a bloody work. 

i was just jump into the swimming pool, in my brothers neighborhood, i have promised my son that i would accompany him to swim that day. but one of my colleague called and he couldnt attend the surgery of his patient. he asked whether i could replace. it was my second surgery after so many months i feel numb, missing the OT. without thinking twice, i asked permission to my husband, then to my boy. i was sorry that i 3 hours away from them when i actually promised them swimming.  but, i need that surgery, for my own peace.

done with donning up, i stood on the right hand side of the patient. i didnt feel awkward, because all the situation is awkward. something felt not right but i couldnt address what. the baby was okay, the surgery was okay. and i recalled :

1. i stood in the wrong handside. its not haraam, its just i wasnt used to it

2. i didnt exteriorate the uterus. its not haraam, its even better, but i used to avoid stitching the uterus inside the abdomen, i prefered to take it out first.

3. tanganku ya kaku aja. gimana dong. i need to learn morrreee. 

but by the rule, i cannot supervised a patient yet. due to permission to practice has not been issued yet. 

in the meantime i have been completely desperate to go to surgery, i read this book by Yasmin Mogahed, she described Sabar in a very implementable way:

1. when Allah has commanded something, sabar means persevering in carrying out that action

2. when Allah has forbidden something, sabar means restraining youself against it

3. when Allah has decreed something and we cannot change it, sabar means acceptance without resentment. 

May Allah blessed us and avoid us from wrongdoing. May Allah suffice us. May we can avoid resentment.. 


Impassive

 April 11 2022. 

First post in 2022 i guess. Blogging now i think are more like youngsters instead of for a 33 years old working mother. But i always like the romance of writing..

This is my first written point of view as an obstetrician and gynecologist (uh finally). Do i feel extremely happy passing all of those classess? No. Not extremely happy, but happy and grateful in the modest way realizing i am leaving the most convenient and advance place, the most ultimate hospital. 

Now, i will treat patient with what i got, probably no MRI, probably no color doppler, probably no cystoscopy  probably no hysteroscopy nor laparoscopy. The beautiful theory of ideal treatment will be now limited and only rely on how sharp my knowledge amd intuition.. no more asking dr kemal or dr seno. No more asking for a hand from dr herbert. 

Am i scared? Actually never. Knowing that Allah has all the plan and me only His puppets ofcourse with the brain and the hand. They said it will be time when i lose patient, there will be time i lose my patience, there will be time realizing that i need improvement.

There will be open doors and there will be closed door. There will be maze and uncertainty, ups and downs, high and lows. 

In time of anticipation, i am glad that i have my husband and parents, the place where i belong. I have my kid to kid me all the time. I am not alone in the jungle i have never been into. All of my friends will be in the same phase with different story. I have so much unspoken interconnection with one another. It seemed like i dont have to tell a word, they will understamd anyway.

Many surgeons will be missed. Many moments will be worth to tell. Such an unforgettable 4.5 years experience.

the BEST surgery with the BEST gyne-oncologist


 

29/9/2021

 

this has been the BEST surgery ever.

at first we started with slow music. but the disease says no. 

with 5000 cc hemorrhage. not a good thing, but its inevitable.

low BP with vascon, but its all under control.

after things slowed down we turn off the light. only operating light source on.

techno music.

 

this is dr. Tri. He is like Mr. Galvas. 

 

ga bisa sih, i am so attracted to operating theatre.

i am so in love. 

i thought this is only a cinta monyet. but i realized, i love operating theatre since i knew it.

i remember how gracefully PPDS Bedah di RSHS  mengibarkan duk sebelum operasi. start from there.

then kamar operasi di Sentot Patrol entah kenapa among others, i like to stay for hours. doing whatever they need me to do.

setelah itu, after my head is clear from outside negative vibes, i discover that i love everyday of it. and i always feel the romance and start writing.


and this teacher in front of me, is the model i look for after all these years struggling with PPDSlyfe.

i adore this person as a surgeon. too bad i didnt get enough chance to know him better personally.

see you again at your best health, Dok, thank you for all the lessons. 


we will keep you in our prayers.

dr. Tri deserves a post

"Attractive people are the big winners of the natural selection. They tend to enjoy better success in find mates, earn more money, and get better jobs."

but, some take it shallow. like me i take it shallow. i like beautiful people, the appearance. 

 

but that doesnt apply in operating theatre. 

it seemed we dont really care how you look since we scrub in and put our mask on al the time. i can see smiley eyes, or people banter and joking around, or whistling their favorite song.

all we know, are we clumsy? do we cut meticulously? did we succeed to stop the bleeding? do we make enough preparation before knife?


its now my romance. the operating theatre vibes in and the beating of the monitor energizes me  somehow. a feeling that i cannot express. i didnt get it when i swim through amniotic fluid seeing the baby by ultrasound.


and this dr. Tri, the calmest, the most controlling operator i have ever met. full of strategy and down to earth. less talk, perform more, very charismatic. he showed me how to act in operating table to be a surgeon, not only an obgyn. no wasted movement. 

he is small in talk, little correction he ever mentioned, works at any convenience. but i wish i did good in assisting.


 

 

Bloody Uterine Rupture and Bloody OT Work.


 

No one judge the decision of a surgeon. 

No one understand the situation other than the operator behind the wheel. 

 thats the story of one fine day

 

another story of percreta placentae.

5300 cc, BP dropped to 37/17 mmHg. Bladder was dissected wide open, just to stop the blood fountain.

Kocher forceps and any other instruments just didnt work to stop heavily bleeding. 

we used our own pinch. 

 

its more heavy than menstruation day 1. 

the mom and baby were healthy now. plan to be discharged with 2 weeks bladder catheter. 


i like i enjoy i am fortunate to choose this field.

i feel energized.

i turn myself to the chief i wanted, not the chief they told me to

 

 

Rather a mellifluous teamwork are not the willingness of one or two, its not a fruit of command but proper reaction toward whatever stimulus given to every persona. The melting pot of adrenaline rush, humble tolerance, spiking tone of desperation, and consideration to win peoples heart.

Its our media to tune ourselves to others story. Be a part of their pages, even only 2 pages of their hundreds. One's sacrifice saves all when all try to save someone's someone.

The story to outgrow ourselves.
Thanks @hpthar for balancing my attitude
Thanks @deniswari28 @nurul.ilma for the next level of friendship and annoyance
Thanks @nesy_fatahan for learning about your patient and about yourself
Thanks @aruanlewis for completing and patching the hollow
Thanks @nnahdys see you in a couple days ! ❤