satu rasa

oct 2, 2018 2020 hrs

apa sih yang buat sekolah ini begitu berat?
kalo gw sih, karena ga ada tempat cerita karena ga ada satupun yang serasa.

we have different roles. yang satu mungkin seorang ibu, yang lain masih perawan/perjaka/ga jelas apa orientasi seksualnya, atau ga jelas kapan nikahnya. yang satu pengen bisa membabat semua pasien SC, yang lain ngerasa ibu2 kesakitan itu tak pantas disakiti. yang satu dpt self esteem dengan menjadi pintar, yang satu cuma pengen lulus, yang lainnya masih denial knp terjerumus ke obgin.

mungkin di luar sana banyak yang punya cerita sama, masalahnya ga pernah jodoh untuk ketemu dan bicara.  mungkin di dekat-dekat kita banyak yang mau mendengar, tapi kitanya yang takut cerita, kitanya yang ga ada waktu untuk cerita, berpikir orang lain juga punya masalahnya sendiri.

padahal mungkin, life would be so much easier if we share.

ga akan menjanjikan bahwa kehidupan ini seketika indah sih.. tapi, paling ga jadi tau bahwa ada yang mau dengar, ada yang berkenan menyediakan waktu, tahu bahwa diantara orang2 sibuk yang selalu dalam deadline dan ketakutan, ada yang peduli ternyata.

kita semua hanyut dengan cerita dan masalah masing-masing. lupa bahagia, kalo kata mas marco.

and when somebody is quit, kita berlomba-lomba supporting not to quit, when they are already decided to quit.

ibu ini tangguh, punya banyak cerita di balik keadaan dirinya yang sekarang. i cannot claimed i knew her well, but i have know her enough to wish her well and believe that Allah loves her so much. God indeed gives her all the prayer, i have sent to Allah. my prayer find reasons to quit school.

she quit, but i believe it is so much BETTER for her. if i was closer to her, i would certainly support whatever decision she has made. hamil. above all reason to stay in ppds, this is the best fortune Allah can give to His human. she gets pregnant and quit. kurang indah apalagi. (well, pernah gw berdoa mati syahid ajalah kalo ppds begini bgt jalan cerita hidupnya -_-")

dia keterima ppds. dia hamil. di keluar. SEMUA jenis acknowledgement she have achieved. all the dream i have wanted is in her story.

siapa sih ppds yang ga mau keluar? siapa ppds yang berharap Tuhan memilihkan jalan buat dia, so they could be happier? siapa yang ga muak menjalani hari-hari seperti layaknya hari-hari ppds.. ogbin lagi.. terus siapa aja yang Allah selamatkan dari ini semua? Dia. Sehingga dia bisa berperan layaknya ibu, layaknya istri, layaknya teman, layaknya manusia normal..

i wished her well, apapun pilihannya. if she returns, she would be missed very much, if she decide to quit, she would done other roles better than when she is in the school,

paling tidak, kita pernah satu rasa.

sweet escape

Sept 29, 2018 2017 hrs

theme song nya aulia dalam perjalanan RSUT RSCM,

Its not about where do you work, its about who do you work with.

Now, who made my days?

Thanks mba alit, the real manusia kuat. Thanks to aul for showing me freedom. 
Another sparkles that keeps me going.


5/9/18 0909 hrs

setelah kehidupan PPDS sebegitu kelamnya, SEBEGITU kelamnya, finally i crosspathed with few pearls under heavy mud.

1. asisten perina saya (which remained unnamed)
he reads books. good sophisticated books actually.
easy going. with certain mental illness. LOL. exactly similar to me.
he certainly would be a good friend

2. as usual, kakak chief.
who made my day? kakak chief. this kakak chief is the best support system. he got his back on us, all the time. ALL the time. 

i write, i wont forget.

Dirty Tricks and Black Magic

July 22nd 2018 1903 hrs

just finished my 24 hrs shift, which almost certainly prolonged to 30 hrs ++ as always. i dont know how many new patients, but last night was definitely pain. excruciating pain.

we are legal criminals if i may say. yes, i did not even try to defend myself.

i have no idea why am i ended up in such negative surrounding. from tons of choices in my hand, i decided, sadly fully conscious about what i took, to dip myself in this institution, this hospital. i couldve happier outside, i wouldve do things i love, something i can embrace positively. rather than tightening my chest in this tricky sinful area i should have never commited.

there are good people in there, yes indeed, but they are just playing the same tricks, the same rituals, believing God would have been nicer because the condition forces us to do so.

to me, i always have alternative to choose better circumstances, that may be better for my health,  better to my relationships and networking, instead of killing my character piece by piece one at a time for over 4 years, and god forbid probably years after school.

and as i posted the last time, who made your day? your chief. who ruined your day? your chief. dear god, please help me so my sons and daughters far alike from people like those who only knows their own perception, have no consideration of others. jadikanlah anak-anak saya pemimpin yang bijaksana.

what ashamed that this well-rooted education in well known institution ended up producing rotten doctors with no hearts. i dont wanna ended up trying to change the world to be a better place, i just want to have peace.

dear bad guys, Allah tidak buta.. so may you rest in peace.

Who made your day?

18.48. Jul 18th 18

your chief. period.

they have been there. in my position. sending patients yang lucunya, no one wanted to take care. serba ribet. but then i have my chiefs giving support emotionally and physically. i cannot complain no more..

as Lendl said
"you need to keep finding little sparkles to keep you going"

i like being in outpatient clinic.
i do talking to some who were well educated, some irritatedly and need extra patience.
i discuss my patients with my supervisor, which most of the time, i found myself extremely clueless. i have never read what theyve been saying. i did not make time.

one day i need a turning point. not now please. i wanna enjoy.

Bentar lagi 1B

June 30 2018 ( on the way home after submitting my 1st self reflection) 11.51 am

Setelah ujian CBD sama dr. Kemal di tempat futsal yg hanya menyisakan satu rasa : 

Lupa rasanya berprestasi

If the world know how its like trying to climb a big tree just to see a glimpse of light in a darkest valley. It feels like far from possible. No self esteem. No love to self no love to others no humaniora. Just you and how make things look good from the outside.

Mungkin harus belajar rebuilding my ruined self esteem. Mungkin dg bersyukur. Udah lama jauh dari Allah. Lupa bahwa dulu we were used to be decent. 

In days like these with this kinda rude routine, it seems like me losing senses. Sense of seeing sparkles. Instead easily hurt and irritated, more over let the negavity ruins senses of being grateful. 

Well.. I need to look around searching for strenght to hang on.

Bentar lagi F

December 19, 2017

Dear Bekisar,

1. Yg suka pura2 mati, sadar diri, org males bantuin lo kalo lo ga pernah berarti buat org lain
2. Yg suka bunuh diri, sadar diri, save yourself first, baru org lain
3. Yg suka ngebeban, inget2 bentar lagi sendirian, belajar
4. Yg suka dibebanin, inget2 bentar lagi sendirian, sabar
5. Kita cuma bertujuh (tanpa supir tanpa kurir)

Do you want to be common?

September 13, 2017
Last night, I finally felt the urge to write. About anything, but I just cannot. I have topics to discussed, if not with others, then with myself. Roles as mother, when I realized that I didn’t know how to mother. As a daughter, when I had argument with my mom and dad considering my future and family. As a wife, when little article slapped me, telling me how to be a good serving wife, instead of what I have done now.

I used to have freedom to write, because I stood up my own opinion based on my own background. I used to believe that I cannot be common. I need to be different.
Once I marry my husband, I have deep responsibility to protect his dignity and security. I am too afraid to break the comfort. Once I have a baby, I profusely spend my resource trying to be a good mother without knowing how. Even worse, once I am inside the institution, I am frightened by people’s judgement. 

At first, I thought I was living in the world of ‘no questions asked.’ I cannot be me, I cannot be nice, silent is much better than ideas. Suppressing the idea and no bravery to say opinion has been around within the culture. For some period, I believe that staying calm, down to earth, and keep silent are the key to strive and survive, just go with the flow. But then, what is the purpose of spending 4 years pretending?

But here, today, I saw many role models of being different and disruptive. If I start usual, I will be usual. If we start different, we will end outstanding. Living a life of a doctor, as one said, like putting one leg on the edge of a cliff. At anytime, we can fall and fail. Patients may die, one may be fail, but its how we react toward nature.

Kata mas irsyad, we are in the world of diamond mining. We are surrounded with brilliant and intelligent people. We cannot be just a diamond, kita harus jadi berlian yang loncat-loncat.
Thanks to teh nada and keken to respond my vague thought. Thanks to mas danny and mas adly for telling us that we are not living in ‘that’ dark dark world and mankind are kind.  

Closer to God

March 23, 2017.


well, actually, HI!

it's me again. my last post was pretty....savage. if you are a mother and having the same baby blue or post partum depression, as i diagnosed myself, you do probably understand.

but hey! here i am, LOVING every single second of breastfeeding right now. Sakha is now more talkative and emotionally lovable. and i declare now that all these mother work is joyful.. erm, except part of running around try to make him eat. but he grows, he gained weight, i do not worry that much anymore. he is not a fragile little tiny baby anymore. so i passed. and that suicidal post, get over it. past is passed.


i've been spending one and a half years interning in obgyn dept UI.. in ten days, i will try my luck. i would love to use luck, as i believe God decides in most of my life options. im just pursuing what i thought God might tell me.

i believe, like i have always believed, i will get what ever best for me, and now not only me, also sakha, also mas irsyad, our parents.

so i will study. (and it has to be at full speed, dinda!), and let Allah do the rest.