Sad puzzle and joyful puzzle

 Aug 28, 2023. 2258 hrs

I ended up my yesterday by arranging food for my son's birthday in his class. He had never celebrated his bday in class. I didnt think that celebrating bday in class would be so necessary. But my husband believed otherwise. 

I decided to drive my son to school and we discussed about things. I realized that there has been so much time i spent not to be with him. Either school, hospital, and most of the time, cellphone. But i sucessfully treasured the moment. God has answered my prayer, i can drive my son to school has been my objective since residency. 

That was a fun drive until i noticed sakha didnt wear the pramuka tie. I almost snapped, but i controlled myself by asking, "dont you get punished if u dont use the tie?"

And he said, no. Well, how much changes in the system nowadays. Back then i would be standing in forn of the class if i missed one of my property. 

I dropped him off and he made sure he had not forgotten our goodbye kiss. Indeed i raised him right with this level of affection he showed to me. And i prayed him ayat kursi. And i left.

Hospital has been crazy. Meetings, emergency room, policlinics, late afternoon meeting, and wrapped up by emergency cesarean. I planned to go home fast. I didnt expect the surgery has to be today. Why the patient come today. Why not yesterday or tomorrow? Why does she have to be there in my son bday exactly. 

Weary by all the sad puzzles, i came home only to accompany him to brush his teeth. My husband was already asleep. I have missed so much in a day. 

But then i believed that the day i had today, just a little piece of bigger puzzle. Today i had a dark color puzzle with a little white and pink and other nice color i might forget to be thankful of. And everyday, i just followed my heart to out one step after another to embrace whatever mystery. 

I am afraid if i resist what my heart say, i might not have such a long time, and i may not live my fullest. 

And my big joyful puzzle is i am a mom of a handsome 9 yesr old boy who still eager to kiss me goodbye. I am so blessed.

Next patient, please!

Aug 27, 2024. 07.40

"Why are you so nice to me, doc?"

"its not that im being nice to you. im being nice because u have depression."

sometimes people just dont understand that doctors go extra miles because we function that way. our surrounding raised us being completely aware of warning signs. its our nature to suspect the worst of a scenario until it is proven otherwise. 

i realized people are now loosing their time in screen trying to be loud of what they are doing. they seek much attention to an illusion. their instagram, whatever account they might have release the dopamine so much they got aroused by likes and hearts or comments. 

see now as a doctor i have treated so many patients that in fact i lost to count how many, thousands? i cant remember their names to be honest. i have encountered people lying, i can sense people hiding behind their happy mask only to find out they are in a greater burden. these people worth my time. i even asked my patients, " did u poop today?", i wiped their poop, some other time i took a shower bcs people cant control their pee.. so dont get me wrong when i even try to put people in the kitchen to share wisdom.

some people are just raised in a different games. some parents crystalize the value of being a straight A student. some parents let their kid go explore and learn from the nature instead. this is where the depression intercept. they are putting so much expectation in life trying to play the same game, while naturally they are not born to be the player yet people expect them to play the same game. 

people try to fit in to society so bad they loose themselves. i lost myself to when thriving to finish school. some people dont get it, they would say, i want to live my life to the fullest. and then, we will back to square one, how do u define living life to the fullest?

your way to live to your fullest might be completely insane and unthinkable and i would say that doesnt fit me. 

i met this guy who are extremely proud of his paddling activity, i just cant comprehend. especially to myself whos eyesight only effective within 20 cm. its the same way my husband cannot comprehend situation in operating theatre. its the same way with the only child who never learn to please anyone has lost so much due to the incapability to serve other people. thats where we dont have to meet people's expectation.  yet some people struggles to let go. some people doesnt have the need for having other people. and that is permissible. that is the dynamic of a society. you dont have to fit in, let yourself be just another color. 

Just stop trying to be a right-handed if you are a lefty.

Intercept

 No date. Because i wish this imply the summary of my lifetime lesson.

Every being i intercept, they will give lesson to learn, whether its the good or heartbreaking. 

And Allah The Most Merciful will let us for our own either to get up and restart or to surrender. 

Everyday i will look around to look for little sparkling the universe provides. Surprisingly enchanting. 

Bener2 Allah Maha Baik. He undestand and provides me. Among all darkness and finally put the sunrise. Sunrise is not gonna be there for long. So I obliged to enjoy it, absorb the meaning of beautiful amount of ray. And then it passes.

Too much ray blinds you.

But no ray makes you gloomy

Highway to heaven

 

Aug 12, 1730 hrs. 

Kematian itu selalu berat. Tapi seandainya mereka tahu dengan siapa mereka akan bertemu di surga, maka mereka akan mempersiapkannya.

We did everything, she came to our ER just too late. Lost of conciousness, no more bleeding, because theres no blood left in her system, no pulse, barely a heartbeat. Dari mana berdarahnyaaa. I need to search. Paling engga, pas kantong darah transfusi datang, itu sumber darahnya udah ga bolong. She might live.

Dr. Apang (my fellow anesthesiologist)  which happened to deserve a post in my blog, did the resuscitation. She died and she came back! Good Lord and to operating theatre we went. With so much hope and idealism. And we pray. 

The obgyns finished the job in the OR while anesthesiologists fighting over RJP. Countless cycle of RJP, no one kept tracks. We just believe she would come back like she just did. 

But she didnt. I guess the angel provides a highway to heaven. Tanpa hisab. Langsung surga. 

Al Fatihah.