I dont care what day is today. To me there is no longer any diffefence between day or night, friday or monday. What matter is when my baby cries.
I forecast my future me. In psychiatric ward, trying to have more baby and wishing i would have the chance to die within 40 days after the delivery. I would love to die, only to test which one of my 'loved ones' will cry at my funeral. To have shortcut to heaven, without worrying about my babies. His dad certainly will take care of the kids. He seemed to be a good man.
I barely see the good in my days, i might be the evil wife, mother, daughter. hell is what scared my and suited my behavious, although a small part of me still wanting an ideal result of dunya exam, jannah. Thats how my husband say it, we will be together in jannah.
Jannah? Jannah is like Paris, while im living just aside of railroad when i cannot afford to buy any carbs. Its unreachable.
God provides what we forecast about what God will provide. They said, Allah is the Ghofur, the Ghofar, who forgives, and forgives repeatedly. I just want my missing piece, my missing peace.
I am tired of upsetting my family. Tired of being a jerk.
