on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve..

august 19, 2013 1006 hrs

5 days to UKDI and agitated aura comes.
dear Allah, please forgive me for forgetting.

"Have you seen those who takes his own lust as his god? And Allah, knowing him as such, left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart, and put a cover on his sight. Who then will guide him Allah? Will you not then remember?" (QS 45: 23)

but then,

"Verily, those who say: 'Our Lord is Allah.' and thereafter stand firm and straight on the Path, on them shall be no fear, nor shall they grieve." (QS 46:13)

May Allah forgive.

Rumi once said, dont stop falling in love, because once it ruined, lesson are under the crap.

wedding band

July 29, 2013. 1846

Allah itu sudah menentukan kita berjodoh dengan siapa kan?

Iya.

then fear nothing, stop worrying.
but then we gotta understand that jatuh cinta dan jodoh are two different things.

so stop falling for people unless s/he's marrying you.

set a meeting for parents of two persons doesnt make that they are jodoh. they might be only expanding networking.

but if they do meant to be together, they'll end up together. with or without considerations.

ya Allah, janganlah Engkau jadikan hati kami condong kepada kesesatan sesudah Engkau memberi petunjuk kepada Kami. Karuniakanlah kami rahmat dari sisi-Mu, karena sesungguhnya Engkaulah Maha Pemberi.


ampunilah saya dan dia. 



dear us, 2008.


dear 2008, 

at the end of the day,
remember the days when we were close to the edge and we wonder how we made it through the night,
the end of the day,
remember the way we stayed so close till the end,
we'll remember, it was me and you


inget jaman skripsi? jaman segala serba dadakan, those has passed. UKDI too shall pass.

we will never know how strong we are,until being strong is the only choice we have.

we proceed, dek koas.
perjalanan masih panjang, selalu ada yang kelam, selalu ada yang bahagia :)


again, temporary.

"ALL things in life is TEMPORARY.
If going well, enjoy it, they won't last forever.
If going wrong, don't worry. they can't last long."

this used to give me great impact, my readers got inspired by those phrase.
i wonder why words dont affect me as much as they used to.


mediocre

july 6, 2013. 1020 hrs

semalem nadhila ke kamar, we got some time untuk catching up with each others stories.

then, she came up with story that a friend, she refused to mention the name, menanyakan kenapa sejak obgin gw berubah. bahasanya sih gw jd less care, kalo diinterpretasiin shallowly sih semacam ignorant kali ya..


jawaban nadhila, si herdinda lagi bosen ama perkoasan.

jawaban gw dalem hati sih, mungkin karena gw udah ga mencintai hal yang dulu gw cintai.


lucu juga ngeliat hal yang dulu i had been fell madly sekarang jadi sesuatu yang mediocre.
prioritas berubah.

for better or worse? some get my better, some get my worse.
untuk diri gw sendiri sih, idk. i felt numb mostly.

mazel tov.

*i know i need to me more positive. :) at least im staying on medicine, thats a good thing.


we think we have time,

june 6, 2013. 0845

it was over a week ago : last night shift in internal medicine department.

selesai stase IPD itu seperti mengeluarkan setengah beban jiwa, apalagi sadar sepenuhnya bahwa selasa malam itu seminggu lalu adalah my last jage!

jaga terakhir gw di ruangan dahlia, yang isinya bapak ibu yang menderita tuberkulosis plus plus, plus sakit liver, plus resisten obat TB jadinya mesti nyoba obat yang has higher strength. kalo ketularan...ya namanya rizkinya, mudah2an engga.

so, it was a pretty peaceful night shift. gw ditugasin observasi si ibu I, di bed 6 kamar 1, et causa si ibu punya gagal ginjal dan penurunan kesadaran.. keluarganya udah ga mau si ibu diapa2in (seharusnya si ibu di cuci darah), dan minta pulang paksa, against medical advice. pas gw lagi istirahat makan malem, pak boby (yang menurut gw sangat *if not, terlalu, oke sebagai perawat dahlia) nganter si ibu ke mobil keluarganya di igd depan. pas gw istirahat makan malem, ternyata si ibu istirahat selama2nya di perjalanan menuju mobilnya. innalillahi..

at first to me its another death. its the same with the previous death, and the upcoming death the day after that, but then the difference was i read this in that precise night, its like the dead warned me:

"its such a shame to waste time. we always think we have much of it." - one more day, by: mitch albom.

may she rest in peace.





than candy cake..

may 16, 2013. 1057 hrs

memories arent stay there longer when it is fated to fade.
neither text, photographs, even mind.

let us say, brain injury, or simply misplace your favorite pictures,
or blog error, erasing old stories that you have tried so hard to keep.
if it is meant to be yours again, if it is meant to reappear after a long lost
it will pop up in front of you. out of nowhere, anytime, even in the most awkward one.

and when it come back to you, sweet memories are sweeter than a candy cake.

like the 1001 old text messages, in form of some of the best and unforgettable pictures i have had in 24 years of life,

in closer focus

center pic

whole object

scrapframe.

seminggu lagi longcase IPD
dan belum belajar.

baru baca blognya kang dani, intinya:

"berbahagialah, berbaik sangkalah kepada Allah."

gw yakin insyaAllah, Allah bakal ngelulusin longcase gw,
ya tapi, kalo ga belajar.......

belajar woy.

gw malah ngerjain ini... this makes me happy though..
another way to enjoy, and discover fun.. SCRAPFRAME!

this is another product of addiction,

wonder if i can get a week off and wanna see whether i can make 20 more frames.

:)

im happy!

and happiness is contagious (supposed to be, thou)

somebody that i used to know

april 11, 2013. 1945 hrs

"Barangsiapa yang mendekat kepada-Ku satu hasta maka Aku akan mendekat kepadanya satu lengan, dan barang siapa mendekat kepada-Ku satu lengan maka Aku akan mendekat kepadanya dua lengan, dan jika ia menghadap kepada-Ku dengan berjalan maka Aku menemuinya dengan berlari." (Hadits diriwayatkan oleh Bukhari-Muslim)

segitu aja deh. 
iman itu bukan sekedar di hati, bukan sekedar niat, tapi di kata dan perbuatan. di perbuatan. 

kembali baik itu ga gampang euy. tapi selalu ada jalan buat kembali baik, katanya. 

kalo nginget hidupnya si herdinda dulu, dia si somebody that i used to know. skrg udah ga kenal, berasa miris ngeliat gw teh sekarang ada di sumur gitu ya? gelap pisun. 

sekarang paling gampang bilang: yasudahlah. may God forgive.

semoga besok pagi saya tidak memulai hari dengan manyun. aamiin. pdhl gw tau manyun tanda ga bersyukur, teu sae, tetep aja manyun bari jeung berdoa semoga hari ini cepat berakhir -_-"







air beriak tanda tak dalam.

ga sama halnya dengan di dunia perkoasan. air beriak tanda dapet a. ilmu padi bukan kultur.
wasnt that embarassing?

di sini mungkin implementasi 'bermain kotor itu baik' ternyata benar ada.
selamat menjadi manusia yg lebih baik. sulit, tapi mutlak harus lebih baik.

walaupun mungkin tidak lebih baik untuk mereka, tapi lebih baik untuk beberapa hati.

we dont have to win every hearts. we have to win for our own definition.

cupet

banyak hal yang menumpulkan hati, salah satunya:
berhenti memikirkan orang lain dan fokus ke diri sendiri, focus on what will i get.
miskin sudut pandang, cuma mikirin yang nikmat2 aja.
lupa kalo Tuhan itu ngasih ujian itu via apapun, termasuk hal2 yang menyenangkan hati.

hidup udah mencong.
semoga neraka ga ngedeket.

kata Al-Quran, Allah Maha Pengampun, Penyayang, Pengasih.
there's always a way to be good again.


boneka..

march 4, 2013 2103 hrs

gw baru tau kenapa some kids suka tidur bareng boneka.. since i was a kid, my parents always tried to limit any addictions that might lead to certain silly behavior disorders.. seperti, ga bisa tidur kalo ga ada boneka, ga bisa tidur kalo ga ditepok2, nangis2 kalo ditinggal mama kerja, ngerengek2 kalo baby sitter gw pulang kampung, etc etc.

the point is, i can survive no matter how discomfort the zone was,

tapi ternyata, ketika biasa di tempat yg discomfort, ketika nemuin hal yang comforting, tetep aja gw milih berada di tempat yang make me feel better..

yeah, right now, i got my boneka, atau sesuatu, apapun itu yang bikin tidur lebih comforting dan lebih aman..

ijazahku terbang ketiup angin :(

feb 28, 2013. 2239

hari ini ujian radiologi. it went well and by 12 i finished both the written and oral exams. then, impulsively went to jatinangor..

setelah nyasar2, muter2, karena no other way selain naik travel. biar cepet, sampe nangor sebelum work hour selesai, pdhl i was craving buat naik damri..

long story and tiring short, i made up my way ke nangor dan sekarang ceritanya udah on my way the shelter damri nangor sambil ngebawa amplop coklat tipis yang isinya ijazah. IJAZAH, sesuatu yang.....at the time was so important. dan sekarang juga sih..

angin nangor lagi ga berteman tampaknya, karena berkali2 bikin mata gw kelilipan, dan at climax, amplop coklat berisi HIDUP gw terbang. bayangkan, terbang! kaya di sinetron2 dan at the moment. man, my life is gone. my LIFE is gone. damn my black skirt, gw kejar itu amplop, sambil teriak2 ama bapak2 yg lagi motongin rumput di depan gw, buat ngbantuin..

dan tertangkap oleh si bapak tukang potong rumput itu. dan i felt such a great relieve. pernah ga ya gw merasa selega itu? aduh, pgn bgt nyium tangan bapak2, atau lebih tepat disebut bapak2 tua yg so heroic ituuuu..

hidup gw ga jadi terbang entah kemana.. sekarang mendarat mulus di kamar.

gw bisa seclumsy itu. ya Allah -_-"

despite of such a heart pounding moment. i hate to go to jatinangor alone, dan disaat tidak memungkinkan untuk berwisata kuliner.

so, my hero for today: bapak2 tua pemotong rumput yang pake sarung tangan putih dekil tapi epic!
akhirnya ada sesuatu yg bisa gw ceritakan di blog, between my plain days. :)
cinta itu ga pake itung-itungan.
kalo udah mulai mikir “pengorbanan” itu namanya kalkulasi”


-sujiwo tejo-

cermin

Usamah bin Zaid ra. mengemukakan bahwa Rasulullah SAW bersabda,
"Kelak pada hari kiamat seseorang akan diadili. Setelah itu dilemparkan ke neraka dan
bertaburanlah seluruh isi perutnya. Kemudian ia diputar-putar seperti keledai memutar kilangan.
'Wahai Fulan,' tanya penduduk neraka yang menyakikan, 'apakah dosamu? Bukankah engkau (sewaktu di dunia) memerintah orang lain berbuat kebaikan dan mencegah kemunkaran?'
'Ya,' jawab si Fulan. 'Aku menyuruh orang kepada yang baik, tetapi aku sendiri tidak melaksanakannya.
Aku juga melarang orang lain berbuat munkar, namun aku sendiri melanggarnya.' [HR Muslim]

copas dari http://syu130990.blogspot.com/2013/02/cermin.html

Radiology!

february 24, 2013. 2146

kalo dipikir-pikir, hidup itu kaya ngeekspertise foto xray, ct.. bukan plek-plekan hitam putih, ada abu2nya juga.. ga semata-mata salah atau benar, tapi salah ada juga yang manis, benar ada juga yang bikin mangkel..

dan butuh imajinasi! banyak gambar-gambar yang katanya mirip ini ina itu, tapi pas diliat....manaaa? semacam ga bisa sekedar dilihat dari realita aja, lihat dari sisi2 lain.. yg sebenernya gw ga tau sisi apa, tapi yg jelas, gambar2 yg mirip scottie dog, bat wing, step ladder, dll emang keliatan kok.. cuma mesti.....berdoa dulu, may Allah point those to you. -_-"

sama kaya hidup kan, butuh imajinasi, dan in the end akan keliatan kok the shape of your life kaya gimana.. berdoa aja Allah point it to you.. sekarang aja ngomongnya, "katanya bakal jadi dokter, manaaaa?" silakan berimajinasi sedemikian rupa and work toward it ampe bentuk dokternya keliatan..

udah harus belajar nih, kamis jumat ujian.. see? mood for blogging memang selalu datang di saat yang.....unik.

----
oia, tadi ketemu teh nada! akhirnyaaa..
dan everytime i saw her, pasti ada pelajaran yg menamparrr..

nada: "kemarin akang pulang 10 hari.. makanya aku di bandung, selain ingin nyoblos.."
dinda: "sekarang udah pulang? yaah, sedih dong.."
nada: "engga dong. aku udah diceramahin ama akang, katanya sedih ditinggalinnya jangan sekedar sedih2 yang ga produktif. harus berkembang, biar nanti kalo ketemu lagi udah banyak improvement.."
dinda: "aaaa bener bangeettt.."

i love this conversation.
harus produktif kalo lg kangen, jadi kalo ketemu udah banyak improvement..

bukan kangen, terus tidur berharap pas bangun ud felt better
yg ada malah ngerasa bersalah krn tidur moloo.. herdindaaa -_-"

belajar!


feb 18, 2013. 2020 hrs

dear Allah, The Finest Form of All.
jangan jadikan hal2 yang aku pelihara menjadi ujian dalam bentuk nikmat.
for what i do, i say grace to You
for any shapes of comfort and profound calmness may those dont stir me away from Your presence.
for any given You have lend me, may that does not diminish even when it goes back to You.

belajar sabar, sabar belajar.

"Bila kamu tidak tahan akan lelahnya belajar,
kamu akan menanggung perihnya kebodohan.."

-Imam Syafiie-

nice quote hasil belajar dari catetannya Wado..

dokter itu tiap pagi GCSnya mesti 15!
jiwa, raga, dan pikiran harus sadar sesadar-sadarnya..

ilmu itu rejeki.. seperti rejeki ngedapetin pembimbing yang asik, penguji yang baik, dan lain-lain.
all we gotta do is enjoy.
dan enjoying anesthesiology isnt as hard as surgery :)

me thank you, dear God.

God is always nice

after our aftermidnight conversation with my future plan..

God just showed me one way to be happy thoroughly, to be grateful, to feel so comfort. may He supports the plan.

love has many forms,
and God send me one vivid form.

new year's eve all over again

jan 21, 2013. 0437

today is my 1st of jan. when i can start all over to reset the mood, forgetting the pain of being nothing.
its always nice to start something new, its like love for the first time,it will all make sense.

new blue front for sure :)

days arent meant for only to be passed without virtues to learn, without lesson to seize.
days are supposed to be tasty!

bye surgery. welcome anesthesiology.. may you diminish the pain and anxiety.
feel the propofol through your veins.


pulmonary embolism


bosen bgt ya kalo ngomongin bosen mulu :)
nikmatin aja. koas bakal berakhir kok.

if my life resembles a print out of electrocardiography, the line shows pulmonary embolism, which the Q is deep in lead I, and there is inverted T in lead III.

oh iya, fotonya dapet dr timelinenya teh nada. i miss her..

thank you 2012,
selamat datang 2013 :)

may the universe supports us.

i spent my new year's eve di IGD bedah RSHS, which was a good thing.
then we went away from real life.

udah gw bilang banyak hal yang akan berubah dalam waktu 1 tahun. termasuk hati, dind. termasuk hati. kalo boleh plagiat dari coldplay, 2012 i was tired and underprepared. now i crossed the line, i was scared, and there are lines i couldnt change anymore. dear God, jangan jadikan ini suatu penyesalan, jadikan ini suatu pembelajaran. 

i have chose which way to go. jangan belokkan ya Allah. saya tidak mau kembali.