i found that love..

provides the key,
unlocks the hearts and souls of you and me.

in the stone : earth, wind, and fire

(bagus deh musiknya)

it is an absolute principle, that in the end we find out that God has enigmatic script written down.
if we dont know what will be going on tomorrow? then why live today in fear?

saya cuma mau menyelesaikan chapter kehidupan saya di fakultas kedokteran. masih banyak chapter untuk mimpi2 lain yang menunggu to be leafed through.

saya lebih menikmati chapter2 pendek dengan sparkles yang lebih banyak.
oct 27. 2244hrs

belajar menjauh dari apa2 yang dekat.
karena ada titik dimana tidak ada pilihan untuk kembali. ke yang 'pernah' dekat.

pun ketika kembali, semuanya pasti berbeda.

kalau dulu pernah menjadi yang signifikan, mungkin sekarang hanya bagian dari sebuah 'nostalgia' yang sembunyi di pinggir kesibukan sinaps yang kesemrawutannya menghilangkan chemistry cerita masa lalu.

bahasanya: udah ga satu frekuensi lagi.


between then and now:
-kutipan 5 tahun lalu
"walau ke ujung dunia, pasti akan ku tunggu"
"hidup ini hanya kepingan yang terasing di lautan"
"dirimu mewakili sebuah keluasan"
-witing trisno jalaran soko kulino
-a lot can happen in a year. a lot. termasuk idealisme yang memudar.

ser libre.

0311 am.

kenapa kadang gw lupa kalo hidup ini cuma sekali?

#when changing coffee brand is a major effort, to be free is out of the dictionary.


khawatir resah ini sebuah
ketidakmampuan bersyukur.
naudzubillah. 

dance!

oct 22, 2011. 1337 hrs

once i read a quote: "dream more while you are awake."

and back then i was myself sitting di ruang lab, had a lil chichat with one of my friend who rather had less emotion and expression. cool and calm, yet awkwardness wasnt that hard to be eliminated.

(do not do this at ruang lab, we supposed to sit and listen to the teacher. but im sorry, at the time, i couldnt help it. it was noon and boring. its better to have a lil chat about future rather than sleeping. because i manage to dream more while i am awake :))

having a dream is somewhat keeping the life alive. yet, the probability of heartbreaking cannot be ignored. that is when we got to heartbreaking, we start to dream again. success once told to be: falls ninety nine times and stand back up for the hundredth times.

this friend i had been chat with, despite of the, you know, constant expression, have dreams after freshly graduate. 3 things this friend mentioned, and none of them i ever thought these are what this kid wanted to do. see? how many thing on earth we can do. cruising the carribean sea, cooking in a high-five-star hotel, skydiving, be in an orchestra, learn and teach from and to the nature, mount-climbing, play violin, dancing, study russian language, anything.

me, i wanna do something and be in a dark big auditorium, big headlights had been set all for you. in a auditorium, we can dance, sing, do improvs, as free as we want, like no one watching. because we wont be bothered by hundreds of eyes which sits in the dark. all we can see is us, the headlines. ofcourse because of the lights are only spotted to the whoever is on the stage.

i like the sound of people clapping and yelling out our names. (oh yeah, ive been in that, ive been in that) it felt so relieving, tiring but like with longlasting gladness.

its like the time is seized for you.

like the time stopped, only so you could live the moment. 

nilai diri..

oct 19, 1931 hrs

abis baca artikel personal power di gatra. yang intinya, besar kecilnya nilai diri seseorang dilihat dari peran yang dia jalani, tanggung jawab yang dia penuhi, dan karya yang dia berikan kepada sekitarnya. kelak akan didapat predikat sebagai pemimpin yang disegani, sebagai seorang yang profesional yang dihargai, orang tua yang dihormati dan disayangi, dan sebagai individu yang menarik.

to dear Who Makes Plans, thank you :)

oct 17, 1957 hrs

hidup itu ga selamanya seimbang. tahun kedua, i dont know how i managed my life back then. yang gw tau, belajar agama gw lancar, olahraga gw lancar, kamar gw rapi, and all those perfections i've been dreaming to take back nowadays.

sekarang, hehe, tampaknya i took too many things too seriously. sampe kadang cape sendiri. its definitely okay with me. i am sure every problems will end eventually. God will help anyway.

this morning, i was sitting next to ligai. i was exhausted. the real exhaustion i have never felt since.... jaman kuda gigit besi.

i yelled, "gw capeeeee." ligai with her motherly attitude put her arms around me and told me, "belum ngerasain ngerjain LI, skripsi, sekaligus ngurus anak kan?"

slapped.

*oia, this is why i believe truly that God plotted life beautifully.
- i put a picture of air-balloon on my ym picture. days after i put it up, i actually be in that!
- 2, 3 hari lalu gw nulis enjoy means: "seeing a person who actually sits, plays the guitar and sings me a song which i can sing with." dan kemarin pas foto batchbook, akhirnya ada scene dimana manu duduk dan pura2 main gitar, dan gw n iwith seakan2 menikmati lagu yang dimainin manu. manu actually sat, pretended to play guitar, and he blabbered instead of sang a song. jadi yaaaa pretty much a joy! haha, kapan lagi ngeliat manu ga bermuka datar.
- dan gw nyebur ke sawah. untung ga ada yang liat. well, uun sih ngeliat kronologis jatohnya gimana (dia melihat dengan jarak semacam 20 langkah dari gw) dan suyi yang hanya berjarak 5 langkah di depan gw cuma bilang,"maaf din, saya ketawa dulu ya, baru nolongin kamu" -_____-" what a man. tapi, haha, yang penting enjoy :) seriously, gw seneng kemarin. 

makasih dear Who Makes Perfect Plans :)
thanks for putting ligai sat next to me and nice bright sunshine on my batchbook photoshoot's day without any tanning left on my skin.

ini benar,

oct 15, 0703


hehe. ngeposting blog memang SO RELIEVING. walopun kadang suka mempredikatkan ini sebagai guilty pleasure. just a reminder, setelah ini, harus ngeberesin 40 soal MDE, beresin questionnaire u/ skripsi, dll yang tenang saja, sudah ditulis di agenda. oia, termasuk kumpul tim pansus u/ menuntaskan asysyifaa 2011. dangit, susah bgt nyusun jadwal lately.

gw ga ngerti lagi, tampaknya fulki akan benar2 membuatkan gw: JADWAL UNTUK CONNECT TO INTERNET. gw belum bikin, fulk. in case you read this post, i am sure you will eventually. big hugs.

actually, ini semua karena gw baca blognya teh mooi, which i 'ADORE', blod, capitalized, italic, underlined adore her experiences.

beliau seakan ga pernah berhenti mmm what.. bersinar? yes, yes, thats the word, in indonesian. sebenernya gw prefer 'shining.' tadinya gw mau milih kata, mengkilat. -__-" btw, yeah yeah, this person, is so much like kak titis. dulu, titis ini kakak afs gw di sma. once i got to know her, gw bilang, i wanna be like her! dan there was me, be like her in my own way. (menurut gw sih gitu, karena finally gw mendapatkan what changed her life, what also changed me, afs!)

pertama kali gw ketemu teh mooi, gw tidak bilang,"i wanna be like her," tapi "she is a lot like me." ofcourse, itu tahun pertama, whats on earth i know anything about her. gw cuma semacam dikenalkan ama kang ajay ke teh mooi, when kang ajay discovered gw anak afs, ofcourse kronologisnya sama, kenapa bisa telat setaun blablabla. dan sekarang, ngeekk the mooi like is different in every level. EVERY level. she has this straight lifestyle, all those achievements, wow. ofcourse we had some similarities, but it doesnt make me feel ' a lot like her' anymore. hahaha. this posting is somewhat hilariously about self-pity. lalal, forget that.

yes, we're passed afs selection, living a year somewhere, got accepted di fkup, our parents was graduated in the same major, we were in hnmun, we dropped hnmun, our brothers are awesome, mine like president cimsa, his was like about to be president bem ( a lot awesome-er if you dont drop that ketua angkatan thing, in case you read this posting, tan, i know you will eventually),  but then, she went up with mahasiswa berprestasi unpad, ikut gunma, ikut ini itu yang membuat beliau keliling dunia, berprestasi, pious, studious, and all othe good adjectives. dan me? mm, alhamdulillah, sempet ke beberapa tempat after afs, tapi dibayarin mama papa. lalala. still, whats important was the visas. -___-" mm, ga juga sih, i suddenly feel so low. with all minor thesis procrastination, no longer mopped my room regularly, still dont know how to live, et cetera et cetera.

THATS whats not good in comparing your life with others. it may end up, you feel crappy. because we had no idea what they have been through. she might not have time updating her blog, and me, i am happy i can update this blog as often as i can. yay! and probably thats not her happy indicators juga sih.

but yeah, still, there are no point in comparing others life with yours. gw ga ngerti kenapa gw nulis ini. but this will not be a draft. i gotta post this. so, people who read this post, DONT COMPARE YOUR LIFE WITH OTHERS!

so, back to the topic, i actually wanna be like her, with all those achievements, siapa sih yang engga. you know what comes next after achievements? responsibility. to be always a good person. i feel bad gw tidak se-shining pas jaman gw sma. kalo boleh bilang, after got accepted in med school, my peak is declining. no more obsessions, no passions, all i gotta do is becoming a doctor. i have this 100-things-i-wanna-do-in-life list, and that waaaayyyy looks like impossible. because i wanna be doctor, you know. i wanna be a wife with kids. thats kinda...tightening the schedule. unless i can prove it wrong.

about proving, or some people used to say it as self-actualization was crazy. yesterday, a friend of mine, im sure she will not read this blog, yet im not sure i can put up her name in this post, said to me that her self-actualization to say out loud to the world that she can is by finishing soal MDE yang udah dijatahin ke kita2 way before deadlines. *slap me. what about this self-actualization people??

this is why i dont compare my life with others. i am more likely end up in guilt and disappointment. as long as i can check my to-do list on my agenda and that 100 things thing, i think i am fine.

so, thats the other side of me. you dont wanna know about this 100 things thing, astri was laughed when seeing #62. i am afraid of the certainty of reality of #100 and tired of waiting for #60 to happen, and from those, i highlighted #36! even though is only like one accomplished and one in progress, i am glad, becuase everything start in #1. :) :) :)

thanks God, i can post this on my blog. hope this is not embarrassing. no. i am sure this is not embarrassing. well, its kinda is. but this is my blog (with 3 exclamation marks!!!)

buy thy wei, harus baca postingan teh mooi ttg afs itu. karena similarities go on and on, and gone one and on: 1) mama papa juga dulu ga bisa bilang engga untuk mengizinkan gw jalan karena: bonyok ga tau gw daftar afs s.d gw lulus dan siap berangkat. lalala. kinda put them in fait accompli situation. 2) last time i saw my grandme, she left me on my dad;s birthday in a peaceful sleep. 3) then. hell yeah, that was the most enthuasiastic thing i have ever been into.

again, thanks to You, Allah. :D

en-joy.

oct 15, 0510 hrs

gw bukannya sering melupakan syukur. gw hanya lupa apa2 yang gw nikmati, ato lebih tepatnya, i dont know how to 'enjoy.'

:) senyum miris

apa yang ada di pikiran gw pada saat kata enjoy muncul?
belajar nembak. i always wanna hold a gun, use it. its okay if it is only color gun, or laser tag kinda thing
coffee break in downtown portland, ofcourse sama hye yoon, it was just perfect
seeing a person who actually sits, plays the guitar, and sings me a song which i cant sing with.
sleep after bronchodilator pills
in a beautifully landed plane. knowing that Allah keep you alive.

see, i know life can be enjoyed fully! i just forget how.

Dear God, thank you for waking me up right in the time for subuh, after i slept through my nice sleep after one theophylline.
i was dreaming about shoes.

:) totally bukan senyum miris. who can tell the different?

tempat kembali.

seconds before october 14 knocks.

pergi kalian keliling dunia, cari apa yang kamu butuhkan. kembalilah kamu ke negerimu untuk mendapatkannya.
ketika keasingan mengeksploitasi prinsip diri, rumahlah yang mengingatkan siapa sebenarnya kita.
liarlah. dengan begitu, kita bisa menemukan apa yang disebut damai.
lari jauh-jauh, karena jarak akan melepas kebutaan dari apa yang selama ini dekat.

saat menjadi  hanya serpih yang mewakili sebuah keluasan, kamu tidak bisa hidup tanpa identitas.
bagaimanapun semua yang pergi akan kembali.

distance makes the heart grows fonder - mrs. dawson

contradiction.

oct 13, 2303 hrs

dulu ada pertanyaan : bersedia ga ngurusin angkatan seumur hidup?

ada yang jawab....ini, ina, itu : iya, engga, kumaha engke. thank God, future is always be mystery.

melihat momen akhir2 ini, i think its funny how past and future flips in a wink and contradicts.

* mau cc ke tanri dan rahmi.
* nerusin LI, caffeine saved my renal review.




ad-lib randomization

oct 11, 1819


fulki was sleeping on my bed without changing her clothes (actually, she fell asleep after 15 minutes she told me that she come home everyday, even in 1 oclock in the morning, because she couldnt sleep in bed other than her bed), and i swear i wont take my sheet out (wanna make the point that, i am not that hygiene anymore). she made me look up in my dictionary about these words. thank you. so, dont pick the wrong diction to blurt out .

respect n. 1 admiration or esteem; for others' rights and wishes. 2 an aspect of a situation etc. - v. fell or show respect for.


admire v. 1 respect highly. 2 look at with pleasure -admiration n.

adore v. love deeply -adorable adj. adoration n.

adhika was teaching me to use muscle risorius more often, so the contraction of depressor anguli oris can be reduced. wish there is no more 'jutek congenital' dedicated to me.

fact about the author: when she is stressed out, she loves to sit in a bus stop only to watch the cars lights and she suddenly brush her hair too often. and yes, i am not the center of the universe. because the earth spins anyway, with or without me.

and...THIS IS MY BLOG. (exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark)

dan gw baru terima sms dari Odi, dengan pesan "nasi ayam jamur 1 ke gbt hegarmanah kamar a3."

oh senja menggila..

man of no choice.

oct 9, 2313 hrs

lucky for those who are adding chances and choices to their life.

this is not me being the only oldest son of a financially insufficient family, who has to take care of his younger siblings, keep them stuffed and lived.
nor a victim of an arrange-married bride whose complaint wouldnt matter in the inside of a roof-ed box called home.
i am not either the postman whose life is pointed by map for years and years walking the same route, in the same hours of day, the same addresses, the same citizens to be said hi.

i am only a person who live a life  with a bit limitation by an honor called, responsibility.

* a reminder for:
- myself
- those who start to forget that they are a part of a family
- those who start to forget that they are a part of an organizations, foundations, volunteering programs, anything
- those who start to forget that they are a part of a country. by the way, it felt good having the name of your country written on your head, carrying it everywhere on your shoulders.
- those who start to forget that they are a part of a friend's life
- those who start to forget that they are ones of God's most perfect creation, that are able to give actions, to think before determine, to consider consequences, to calculate anticipations, to follow what leads, to lead the followers.

May Allah forgive us/
gw punya keegoisan tinggi dalam berkata-kata. simply because i dont wanna live a life without the bravery to express out loud.

i will say it anyway, even if the world grab me in the neck teaching me how to shut up.

seriously, i wanna live my life. i tasted life once, i aimed to that to be tasted again. and i know exactly how i dont wanna live : in a common silence.

a few secs to burn.

1742 hrs

"friendship is like a book. it took years to write, a few secs to burn."

in any sights, the above sentence is right. it doesnt take any minute to understand the statement. 

to me, right now, friendship is the best kind of any kind of relationship. thats why some of my 2010 resolutions are:
1. if i have problems with somebody for no reason, dont avoid him/her, i will desensitize. if i do have for a reason, then talk. make it clear, apologize if needed.
2. makes everyone presence is special  for me. dont expect them to do the same. now, its time to learn how to be full-hearted. dont ask for recognition or acknowledgement.
3. focus on my own self-image is not anymore on my life dictionary. if i think a joke, a call, a text, or anything would make my friends happy, do it. bet theyre gonna love it.
4. dealing with people i dont like is a skill, decide to stop dealing with them is my lost.

and now, i dont get the point why my own 'old' or 'former'(?) best friend decide to stop connected with me just because his girlfriend is disliking my presence. wow. well, i was angry, but in anyway, i respect my rule: everyone presence is special. though sometimes it confused me, if everyone special then whats so special anymore?

if everyone special then whats so special anymore?

dear readers, if you by purpose or not in purpose are reading this blog, and you feel like you need to know how special you are to me, just text me. i will reply, inshaAllah. dear God, thank you sending me lots of friends. for their presences, i thank You. :)

reblogged: sisi anak kecil

oct 5, 1701hrs

this is one of my favorite postings. thank god i saved this in my email. so, after the disappearance of my old-green blog, i tried so hard to recollect my scattered writings. unfortunately, it is almost impossible to recollect, recall, rewrite my 5-year-almost-200-blog-postings.


Setiap orang punya sisi ‘anak kecil’ nya masing-masing..

Hff, keseluruhan kuliah hari ini gw habiskan dengan kelompok tutor gw, C5 [as we unabbreviated it, ce 5 co 5].. sungguh tidak penting..

Artis pembicaraan gw kali ini adalah Mario..[may peace be on him, haha..] sebagai anggota tutor 89, gw dengan semena-menanya manggil dia acil, aka anak kecil secara dia kaya 3 thn lebih muda dari gw, [argh]..

‘ngembek mulu kaya anak tk nih si acil’.. mm, kira2 gitu sih ngeledekinnya.. ga parah2 amatlah menurut gw,. Ngeledekin orang tuh sebenernya nyenengin, asalkan objek penderitanya ga ambil hati, ..

Prinsip gw: ngeledekin orang is the shortest way for making a longlasting friendship, haha.. ga tau bener apa engga,,

Bukan itu sih inti ceritanya..

Hari ini gw lab after shalat jumat. Seperti biasa, orang2 C5, pada buru2 dtg ke lab untuk rebutan tempat duduk [sungguh tidak penting..LAGI], pada ga mau duduk di deket hall, takut ditanyain dosen..[dasar]

Yang dateng pertama kali gw n mario.. dari kejauhan, [pas lagi duduk di kursi lab yang ‘aman’], feeling gw ngerasa ada yang aneh, bener aja, si ricky udah di depan tangga menuju ke lab..
Herannya, gw nyempet2in ngintip dari dalem lab, begitu sadar itu ricky n miko, langsung gw lari ke arah pintu lab, langsung gw tutup, mxdnya biar ricky n miko ga bisa masuk.. dari arah seberang, mereka berdua juga lari, bisa2nya mereka mikir kalo gw akan melakukan suatu keisengan.. [sepertinya muka gw ga jauh2 dari tampang licik dan iseng, haha]yasudahlah..

Sudah cukup dengan gw berhasil membuat ricky teriak dari luar, “awas lo Her!”..

Akhirnya gw kembali ke tempat duduk gw yang aman, sambil ngetawain miko dan ricky yang berlarian rebutan kursi yang paling jauh deket jendela.. dodol..

Bukan itu juga inti ceritanya, haha.,

Pas gw sedang menikmati fenomena suryo dan Amanda, dan rayi berebutan kursi, Mario bilang, “sekarang siapa yang anak kecil? Saya atau kamu?” dengan sejuta pede gw bilang, “tetep kamulah!”

Mungkin Mario pikir,” yasudahlah, percuma mendewasakan seorang herdinda”..
Tapi ini yang dia bilang,”setiap orang itu punya sisi anak kecilnya masing2..”

Mungkin Cuma sekilas, tapi bener juga ya..

Ga bisa selamanya orang itu bersikap dewasa dan bijak.. mungkin bisa, di depan orang2 yang dia ga kenal, tapi semakin sering orang itu berinteraksi dengan orang yang lainnya, pasti akan ada momen dimana dia ga sengaja ngeluarin sisi anak kecilnya itu..

Gw  sangat menikmati momen2 anak kecil temen2 gw yang mereka keluarkan toward me..  mungkin Cuma karena itu ngebuat gw ngerasa be friended [whatever that phrase meant to you..]

Banyak keceriaan yang keliatan pas seseorang lagi mengeluarkan sisi anak kecilnya.. itu jauh lebih menyenangkan untuk gw ngeliatnya, daripada orang yang being so wise and mature all the time.. even though, maybe it is not wrong..

mungkin, now, what i adore dari seorang anak kecil adalah kebebasan untuk berekspresi. meluk kalau sayang, nangis kalau sedih, ngumpet kalau takut, lari dan loncat2 kalau seneng. there is nothing theyre afraid to be expressed. ketika kita (i assume, young adults) tried to maintain their emotions. that word 'maintain' often scares me wayyy before the emotion itself appeared.  
curhat pagi. janji sebentar aja ngetiknya.
1. life is messy. agenda udah ga guna. kayanya tlalu byk hal di otak.
2. prioritas tingkat sudra. skripsi ga jalan. ngelimpahin amanah ke angkatan bawah sering diblock dg alasan 'belum pengalaman'
3. everything and everyone kills me softly. salah gw juga sih, mau2 aja dibunuh.
yah. semoga mati masuk surga, thats gonna worth the pain.

aamiin. dear Allah, we need some quality time, what time we can meet up? because my agenda is packed, i hope i can see you in between agendas, WITHOUT DISTRACTION.